Anonymous
Post 01/19/2022 15:42     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When your instincts tell you something you have to listen. They truly are another sense. If you think something is off there’s a reason you feel that way. Is the tutor from a country that is known for women trying to land US citizenship through relationships? I’m actually surprised they’re doing tutoring sessions in person, I’d assume they’d all be done over Zoom. My work still isn’t back to in person meetings.


This. OP has the best resource right at hand. Her gut. If nothing felt off to her…nothing would feel off to her. I think we fail to listen to our bodies way more than we admit …or we simply don’t admit that our bodies have useful information for us. She could still be wrong, of course, maybe it is just a great hobby. But if her guy is telling her that something is wrong she should listen to it and figure out what it is that is wrong.


And when you experience gaslighting and you really want to trust and believe (because the alternative is too horrifying), you ignore your gut and cling to the plausible scenarios and excuses your spouse provides. What is worse that most people that know you and your spouse want to comfort you, so they will tell you that you are crazy for thinking that. "Oh he/she would never do that".

OP, another tactic is that they will make a joke about a situation that is really happening like it is such a far-flung chance of being real that we can joke and laugh about it.


Omg- so true!! I used to have a running bit about my ex’s skanky mistress from Gaithersburg. Joke about what she’d settle for or if he was late “oh tell Amber I said ‘hi’. Turns out he really had a f”””king mistress- only she was from Rockville/N.Bethesda, but was just as skanky. Lol. You can’t make some of this sh@t up. I later found from my therapist this is a common tactic expert gaslighters use and in betrayed support boards- many mention stuff like this.

It really is a mind warp. Some real sick sh@t to do that to someone.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2022 15:37     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
My DH loves to learn languages, and in the past six months he has been meeting with a tutor who is a graduate student. I work pretty long hours, including weeks when I have to travel out of town. We have a good relationship overall including our intimate relationship, and we're both about 50 and in good health and fit. One kid, who just went off to college last year (we started early). I've met the tutor, who is in her late 20s and attractive, and she seems very nice and professional and all but lately it has been bothering me that they sometimes meet when I am out of town. Am I being paranoid? I have no evidence that he's ever been unfaithful to me.


Two ways to look at this:

1. Why would an attractive woman in her 20s want to be with an older 50 year old man? If she's attractive she's bringing in men her age.

2. Is your husband suppose to stop taking lessons when you're out of town?
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2022 15:35     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When your instincts tell you something you have to listen. They truly are another sense. If you think something is off there’s a reason you feel that way. Is the tutor from a country that is known for women trying to land US citizenship through relationships? I’m actually surprised they’re doing tutoring sessions in person, I’d assume they’d all be done over Zoom. My work still isn’t back to in person meetings.


This. OP has the best resource right at hand. Her gut. If nothing felt off to her…nothing would feel off to her. I think we fail to listen to our bodies way more than we admit …or we simply don’t admit that our bodies have useful information for us. She could still be wrong, of course, maybe it is just a great hobby. But if her guy is telling her that something is wrong she should listen to it and figure out what it is that is wrong.


And when you experience gaslighting and you really want to trust and believe (because the alternative is too horrifying), you ignore your gut and cling to the plausible scenarios and excuses your spouse provides. What is worse that most people that know you and your spouse want to comfort you, so they will tell you that you are crazy for thinking that. "Oh he/she would never do that".

OP, another tactic is that they will make a joke about a situation that is really happening like it is such a far-flung chance of being real that we can joke and laugh about it.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2022 15:17     Subject: Am I being paranoid?

I decided to have a neighbor friend keep an eye out, since they are meeting at our house.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 22:56     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When your instincts tell you something you have to listen. They truly are another sense. If you think something is off there’s a reason you feel that way. Is the tutor from a country that is known for women trying to land US citizenship through relationships? I’m actually surprised they’re doing tutoring sessions in person, I’d assume they’d all be done over Zoom. My work still isn’t back to in person meetings.


This. OP has the best resource right at hand. Her gut. If nothing felt off to her…nothing would feel off to her. I think we fail to listen to our bodies way more than we admit …or we simply don’t admit that our bodies have useful information for us. She could still be wrong, of course, maybe it is just a great hobby. But if her guy is telling her that something is wrong she should listen to it and figure out what it is that is wrong.


Thank you. I am thinking I may order a camera.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 22:54     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.


Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.


OP here again. Almost all of his tutors have been women in the 20-30 age range. He says they are more energetic and upbeat than the generally older male tutors he’s interviewed. They also charge less.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 21:11     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:When your instincts tell you something you have to listen. They truly are another sense. If you think something is off there’s a reason you feel that way. Is the tutor from a country that is known for women trying to land US citizenship through relationships? I’m actually surprised they’re doing tutoring sessions in person, I’d assume they’d all be done over Zoom. My work still isn’t back to in person meetings.


This. OP has the best resource right at hand. Her gut. If nothing felt off to her…nothing would feel off to her. I think we fail to listen to our bodies way more than we admit …or we simply don’t admit that our bodies have useful information for us. She could still be wrong, of course, maybe it is just a great hobby. But if her guy is telling her that something is wrong she should listen to it and figure out what it is that is wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 20:32     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Yes, I am a little uncomfortable but can't really point to anything. I guess I could nose around, but that feels like an invasion of privacy. Back when he was learning some Swedish from the au pairs, he used to keep vocabulary lists in a notebook, but I think those are in his work office.


Troll.


Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 20:30     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.


Seriously. It sounds like he’s learning Spanish. Every other person speaks Spanish. I find it hard to believe he can’t find a guy.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 20:24     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would not be comfortable with this. And I'm a hot twenty something


Oh, please. When I was a hot 20 year old I did not a 50 year old.


+1,000 I was just thinking this.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 19:36     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.


Most teachers in general are female, so it's no surprise most language tutors are also female.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 18:43     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:When your instincts tell you something you have to listen. They truly are another sense. If you think something is off there’s a reason you feel that way. Is the tutor from a country that is known for women trying to land US citizenship through relationships? I’m actually surprised they’re doing tutoring sessions in person, I’d assume they’d all be done over Zoom. My work still isn’t back to in person meetings.


She grew up in Barcelona, and evidently is fluent in both Spanish and Catalan. I'm not all that knowledgeable about the reputation of people from other countries for stuff like that, haven't traveled that much. I've encouraged him to learn to speak Thai -- we love Thai food and I hope we can travel there someday.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 18:28     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
When your instincts tell you something you have to listen. They truly are another sense. If you think something is off there’s a reason you feel that way. Is the tutor from a country that is known for women trying to land US citizenship through relationships? I’m actually surprised they’re doing tutoring sessions in person, I’d assume they’d all be done over Zoom. My work still isn’t back to in person meetings.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 17:56     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
It’s as if your DH can’t find male tutors? Troll or clueless OP. Thailand, are you kidding me?

What’s the point of catching him? Ask yourself that. Focus your energy on you.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2022 17:53     Subject: Am I being paranoid?
Anonymous wrote:
OP here again. He just told me he's going to start up lessons with her at the end of the week. I have to be out of town for a couple of days, including the day they plan to meet. Also, I asked him to make sure she got her booster and he responded immediately that she had gotten it. That struck me as a bit odd because, unlike me, he's not very worried about covid but maybe she mentioned that without him asking.


Mean to add that he told me about the resuming of lessons only after he knew I had to be out of town. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, though.