Anonymous
Post 01/08/2022 17:46     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
"QTIP" poster deserves an award! It's simple and makes so much sense. I stopped reading parenting books long ago because it was too much BS to sort through before finding a gem like this!
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2022 17:05     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
OP here. My son has been diagnosed with ADD. Not sure if the defiance stems from that. I have some undiagnosed/self-diagnosed attention issues but am successful at work and run the household by myself so I don’t think it’s fair to use ADD as an excuse. I always helped around the house (dishes, lawn mowing, vacuuming). I’m not sure if I did it to be helpful but there was no option. My mom was tough. She says that I give in too easily. I’m not sure what else to do. I’ve hidden the TV remote and we shut off the phone through the telephone company. Next thing to go is the WiFi but he is purportedly working on his homework.

I asked the 16 year old to unload the dishwasher just to give him a task and he very easily declined. I’ve asked him 6 times now. Will not do it. What I don’t understand is he not an asshole. At least not to his younger 7 year old sibling but how can he be so flippant when I ask for help?
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2022 07:55     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
You need to start earlier. Why didn’t your 7 year old come out as well to help clear snow?
From the time, they were 6-7, our kids came out when we went out to shovel. They could clear the car windows or “shovel” the front walk. Yes, we’d have to come behind them and finish the job, but they know it is work first, play later. Now as a tween and a teen, they know what needs to be done for snow removal, no fussing.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 23:24     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:As a black parent would say I’d beat that ass”.


Another Black parent…. There are not physical beatings in my house.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 22:50     Subject: Re:16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:NP, here. OP, I hope you realize that these folks who are telling you their DC "never" would have refused to do something they asked are either revisionists, abusers, or extremely lucky. Probably narcissitic revisionists, if I had to guess.



Oh, jeez. You don't think that maybe their kid would "never" refuse to shovel the walk because they knew it was their responsibility? Not everyone is damaged like you. Many of the parents here have been successful in raising happy and functional kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 22:29     Subject: Re:16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:NP, here. OP, I hope you realize that these folks who are telling you their DC "never" would have refused to do something they asked are either revisionists, abusers, or extremely lucky. Probably narcissitic revisionists, if I had to guess.



DP. And they were all terribly raised, I might add.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 22:28     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. New snowfall, so new update. I asked my 16 year old to clean up the driveway today. It took him about an hour to get himself to do it but he did. I think after reading all the comments, my lesson learned was that i should have had him working on these tasks at a much earlier age. He really tested my patience today in the time it took him to start shoveling. Normally I would have just yelled at him and done it myself but I kept my cool and praised him (I don’t do that enough) for shoveling.


So the problem was you.


NP. Lol, was it your mom's fault you turned out so rude?

Try this instead: Great news, OP! It sounds like you have a plan for moving forward.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 22:22     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
As a black parent would say I’d beat that ass”.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 19:51     Subject: Re:16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
NP, here. OP, I hope you realize that these folks who are telling you their DC "never" would have refused to do something they asked are either revisionists, abusers, or extremely lucky. Probably narcissitic revisionists, if I had to guess.

Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 19:35     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. New snowfall, so new update. I asked my 16 year old to clean up the driveway today. It took him about an hour to get himself to do it but he did. I think after reading all the comments, my lesson learned was that i should have had him working on these tasks at a much earlier age. He really tested my patience today in the time it took him to start shoveling. Normally I would have just yelled at him and done it myself but I kept my cool and praised him (I don’t do that enough) for shoveling.


Good job. Team work makes the dream work when we all do our part. My suggestion is that you guys start having weekly family meetings. It is never too late to start talking about the mechanics of how your household operates and what each person can do to contribute to those mechanics. Your son needs to see that his expectation to have use of the internet or his cell phone or the family car is directly tied to his contributions to the functioning of the household by doing things like shoveling the driveway or loading the dishwasher or running errands for you.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 17:33     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. New snowfall, so new update. I asked my 16 year old to clean up the driveway today. It took him about an hour to get himself to do it but he did. I think after reading all the comments, my lesson learned was that i should have had him working on these tasks at a much earlier age. He really tested my patience today in the time it took him to start shoveling. Normally I would have just yelled at him and done it myself but I kept my cool and praised him (I don’t do that enough) for shoveling.


So the problem was you.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2022 17:30     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
OP here. New snowfall, so new update. I asked my 16 year old to clean up the driveway today. It took him about an hour to get himself to do it but he did. I think after reading all the comments, my lesson learned was that i should have had him working on these tasks at a much earlier age. He really tested my patience today in the time it took him to start shoveling. Normally I would have just yelled at him and done it myself but I kept my cool and praised him (I don’t do that enough) for shoveling.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2022 21:08     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s now outside finishing it up. Must be the internet being turned off (phone is an android with parental controls and a time limit that as already used up).

I’m getting the desired result but I hate the way I got it done. Why can’t he just be helpful? Or just do it when I ask him to do it?


If he was watching you do it and then refused to help when you asked, I'd flip out...

Is he Ill or suicidally depressed or just a rotten young man ?

If not, I'd take away all phones, TV, video games and make him take the bus to school and make his own meals and get an after school job to pay for his clothes and spending money moving forward
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2022 08:51     Subject: 16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are your other children?

I know a teenager just like your son. He does nothing his parents ask, but they never follow through. Good for you for having consequences. I wouldn’t turn the internet back on just because he finally shoveled. He’d have to earn it back by not giving you a hard time.

Hope your back feels better.


No, no, no. This is the emotional, reactive way to go, and it puts DS in a no-win situation. Next time he behaves badly, his response will be, "well, there is nothing I can do now, she won't turn the internet back on, so why should I bother shoveling (or otherwise trying to make the situation better)?"

A kid who has behaved badly needs a path to make things right. Turning the internet off is a kind of shock to DS's system. He straightens up and tries to make things right. The appropriate reaction is to thank him for doing as he was asked, calmly remind him that you are all members of a family and cooperation is needed to make things go smoothly, and turn on the internet.

Never set up a no-win situation. It's your hurt feelings that make you want to say, "well, I got what I wanted but I'm going to keep punishing because I didn't get it the way I wanted it." Tempting, but entirely counterproductive. QTIP!
l

This parent is wise. I will remember this!


+1. I sure wish my DH would be like this. He enjoys setting our DS up to fail.
Anonymous
Post 01/04/2022 07:53     Subject: Re:16 year old won’t shovel driveway.
Well, we are a family of 5 and we divide the job into 5. Deck, sidewalk, patio and the driveway in half. My three teens complain but they do it because I have no qualms with taking away their phones for a week.