Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

I always thought of Asian families as so nice, calm, and well-mannered and now after reading several posts on this board about them yelling, being forceful, or even striking or humiliating children, I am not sure they are that nice after all. I am not sure I want to be like that to my kids just to get them to behave. I just cout to 20 or put myself in a 5 minute timeout when they are stressing me out.

Asian families don’t yell. The one weapon we have that white people don’t is the concept of shame. So they will compare you to other kids and make you feel bad that you’re not as obedient, not following rules etc.

Anonymous wrote:It has been a LONG few weeks. Spent about 20 days quarantined due to COVID and now we are staying home through the new year instead of visiting family as planned. I have been the default parent as always and am beyond burnt out. My husband is useless and I can’t have another conversation with him about how he needs to step up more with the kids.

I truly feel bad because I have been yelling at my kids more than ever and would love any advice on how to just take a deep breath and let it go. I don’t want my kids to remember me as always yelling at them but between the fighting, whining, constant demands and the 2 year old’s tantrums and general dictatorship I am losing it.

How do other stay calm and tone down the yelling?

Sadly getting a sitter is not an option right now.

Screaming and yelling is verbal abuse and scars worse than physical abuse. You, and only you, can control your temper. Get help for anger management.

I have a problem with yelling, and I actually find that a couple things help.

(1) As much as possible, I talk MORE quietly when I'm starting to get mad. My kids pay more attention and because I'm more in control, they stay more in control.

(2) I say less. At most, they get one explanation of why they have to do something (we skip this if it's something that's well-established), and then I just say, "Shoes," or "Teeth," or whatever.

(3) I minimize warnings. We used 1-2-3 Magic, and even now, when I start counting, my kids will, however begrudgingly, comply. Again, I stay calm when counting, but they know that when I get to 3, there will be a consequence.

(4) I apologize when I lose my temper. It's a reminder to my kisd and myself that yelling isn't kind or respectful, and helps me commit to doing better -- taking a deep breath, walking away, whatever it takes to stay in control of my anger.

(5) It's also helpful to use humor, games, stories, whatever, to obtain compliance. Sometimes I exaggerate my reaction to something in a silly way: "Oh, no, there are Legos all over the floor! I can't vacuum! Aaaauuuuggggghhhhhh! What will I do! Help me! Somebody help me!" and the kid giggles and runs over and picks them up.

(6) Ignore performative tantrums. Just walk away. Without an audience, they go away. If the kid is legit losing it and genuinely can't control themselves, you can stay, but stay calm, don't talk, just let it roll on by. Then act like nothing happened and go on as if the tantrum had not occurred. Don't engage with them, don't talk to the kid while they are happening, and the tantrum never alters your plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

This is my dream! How do you make that happen?

Really?
I'm going to guess because the kids don't want another round of lovely corporal punishment.

Yep this.

It's also just that these parents carry themselves with confidence and authority -- two things that are lacking among modern American moms who waffle and equivocate and talk about feelings.

My MIL does the same "look" and never hit her kids (and she is white, fwiw, but from a different generation). But you can tell she means it when she says "NO."

OP. No real advice, just commiseration. One thing I do try to be good about is apologizing when I yell. Of course, not yelling is better...but letting my kids know I understand that it was out-of-line is better than pretending it wasn't.

One thing is to understand why you are getting triggered. For myself, I know what the problem is. I'm a true introvert who needs alone time to recharge, and after 2 years I'm tapped out. I used to work from home and travel at least once a month. Both of these things gave me stretches of time when I was alone. In addition, DH used to take the kids out for a half day on the weekend. I haven't had these opportunities to recharge in 2 years, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. When DH does take the kids out now, he brings lunch home (instead of a restaurant like before), and it ends up being a shorter outing and a mess for me to clean up. That last one is an area where he can help. I am simply exhausted never having the ability not to think about someone else.

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

+1. Most yelling at little kids is impotent/ineffective anger. Be effective and you solve most of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP, but I identify a lot with this thread.
For the “drop the ball” people…how do you do that without impacting your kids? If I don’t prep food or do laundry or bathe the kids, or other important “balls”…they don’t get done. DH just doesn’t care anymore. Kids are 5 and 18mo. I can’t exactly let them starve or be filthy dirty all the time.

Divorce.

They won't starve

I don't think yelling is the worst thing. Being allowed to be upset is okay. It's okay for your kid and it's okay for you. Obviously you don't want to have a scary meltdown, but a loud tone when someone isn't listening is how we are heard. It's not bad to be aggressive.

Women are taught not to be assertive and I noticed that a lot of my fellow moms seemed to carry that into their parenting. Like, never saying "johnny! Get off the slide now we have to go!" Instead, they'd tie themselves into knots with a "mindful" tone or voice. "johnny? Wouldn't you like to come down from there so we can go home so mommy can do her work now?"

I mean, if you were johnny, what would you do? Say no and keep on playing? I would.

I am a nice white lady who sometimes yells. My husband sometimes yells ,usually at inanimate objects. Our kid sometimes yells, too. I've noticed that other white ladies don't really seem to understand our family. I don't know what to tell them... But I think it's healthier to express frustration than it is to put on a facade.

My advice to you is to allow yourself time to be selfish. Let the television nanny your kids for a few hours. Dump them on your husband. Don't ask!! Dump! Raising a small child is like living life in five minute intervals. Everytime you settle into getting a task done there will be an interruption and yes, that is maddening... So you need to breathe deep and not punish yourself for being maddened. (And obviously, don't punish your kids, either.) It's okay to be annoyed when things are annoying.

Anonymous wrote:Lol, your kids aren’t scared of you. In my Asian family, we just need to glare at a child and they’ll fall in line.

I always thought of Asian families as so nice, calm, and well-mannered and now after reading several posts on this board about them yelling, being forceful, or even striking or humiliating children, I am not sure they are that nice after all. I am not sure I want to be like that to my kids just to get them to behave. I just cout to 20 or put myself in a 5 minute timeout when they are stressing me out.

Anonymous wrote:NP, but I identify a lot with this thread.
For the “drop the ball” people…how do you do that without impacting your kids? If I don’t prep food or do laundry or bathe the kids, or other important “balls”…they don’t get done. DH just doesn’t care anymore. Kids are 5 and 18mo. I can’t exactly let them starve or be filthy dirty all the time.

Divorce.

Anonymous wrote:It has been a LONG few weeks. Spent about 20 days quarantined due to COVID and now we are staying home through the new year instead of visiting family as planned. I have been the default parent as always and am beyond burnt out. My husband is useless and I can’t have another conversation with him about how he needs to step up more with the kids.

I truly feel bad because I have been yelling at my kids more than ever and would love any advice on how to just take a deep breath and let it go. I don’t want my kids to remember me as always yelling at them but between the fighting, whining, constant demands and the 2 year old’s tantrums and general dictatorship I am losing it.

How do other stay calm and tone down the yelling?

Sadly getting a sitter is not an option right now.

Turn around and ignore the 2yo. Tantrums will escalate for a short while, then they’ll decrease.

Instead of yelling, drop your volume. Start randomly saying things like “I’m getting ice cream, does anyone else want any?” in a quiet tone, and the kids will start listening more.

Op- you are definitely not alone. You probably are struggling like half the parents out there. My sister is a superintendent in Texas and she advocates “Love with Logic” series.
I went to one of their sessions and loved it but of course didn’t follow through. I think all these techniques - Supernanny- all the other stuff suggested- provide great ideas and for some may work. I haven’t followed any enough to see lasting change.
My dad was like the Asian parent- whatever he did ( and never touched us)- it just worked. We were so well behaved- same with my husbands mom- but for most parents, I think there is a ton of struggle and exhaustion.
I have no advice- but I wish I could go out to lunch with you- give you hug and tell you I feel exactly the same!! Hang in there.

Remember when raising kids- the days drag on but the years fly by. Try to maybe be calm and positive/ firm and enjoy a couple moments a day. Only thing I have found that works is to avoid over committing. I find when we are in a hurry, the yelling intensifies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

There are a lot of good suggestions here but this one is particularly good. A lot of frustration and yelling comes from the dynamic where kids get many, many chances to comply. Their natural reaction is to keep ignoring. You need to break this cycle. But it will be slow going.

-1

This is possibly the worst suggestion. You're expecting a child, biologically incapable of impulse control, to mange their emotions yet not hold the adult to the same standard?

And not for nothing, I don't want my daughters to blindly accept and comply with whatever directives they're given. I want them to recognize their autonomy and learn to think and make decisions for themselves.

Of course I hold adults to the same standard. Does your boss plead with you ten times to submit your work?

All of early childhood is learning impulse control. Starting at birth, infants are learning to control their bodies; then crawl, walk, feed themselves, tie their shoes. Parents who do not make self-control the primary discipline practiced by their young children are doing them an incredible disservice that will follow them their entire lives. A child who will control their voice when they are asked to be quiet at the library will be miles ahead the 20 other children whose mothers follow them around uselessly pleading with them to Make Good Choices.

Preach! I grew up in an Asian country and I remember I learned my lesson not to talk while the teacher was talking when he sent me for detention during recess. Children learn fast when there are consequences.

Just ask all the kids in sweatshops!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get them to obey the first time. The reason parents yell is that their children don’t listen the first three or ten times they are instructed to do something. Pick the most offensive behavior and work on that for a day. Say: Larlo, let’s practice turning off your Switch the first time Mama tells you to. Then practice it, literally. Every time Larlo does it right, clap and hug him. Repeat for every offensive behavior and eventually you won’t ever raise your voice.

There are a lot of good suggestions here but this one is particularly good. A lot of frustration and yelling comes from the dynamic where kids get many, many chances to comply. Their natural reaction is to keep ignoring. You need to break this cycle. But it will be slow going.

-1

This is possibly the worst suggestion. You're expecting a child, biologically incapable of impulse control, to mange their emotions yet not hold the adult to the same standard?

And not for nothing, I don't want my daughters to blindly accept and comply with whatever directives they're given. I want them to recognize their autonomy and learn to think and make decisions for themselves.

Of course I hold adults to the same standard. Does your boss plead with you ten times to submit your work?

All of early childhood is learning impulse control. Starting at birth, infants are learning to control their bodies; then crawl, walk, feed themselves, tie their shoes. Parents who do not make self-control the primary discipline practiced by their young children are doing them an incredible disservice that will follow them their entire lives. A child who will control their voice when they are asked to be quiet at the library will be miles ahead the 20 other children whose mothers follow them around uselessly pleading with them to Make Good Choices.

Preach! I grew up in an Asian country and I remember I learned my lesson not to talk while the teacher was talking when he sent me for detention during recess. Children learn fast when there are consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Celebrate Calm changed our LIFE.

Thank you whoever on here suggested it.

What is celebrate calm?

https://celebratecalm.com/

We haven’t paid for the courses. We’ve listened to almost all of the podcasts. They changed our life, in just a few short listens.

He’s not fluffy. He’s smart, honest, and speaks from the heart.

A million thanks to the person who recommended it to me on another thread (I posted about how difficult my kids are).