Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:57
Subject: Re:I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
OP what did DH say? How will he help you prepare for hosting?
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:56
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
It is your right to set the boundary and to stick up for yourself. But you can’t change how she reacts. If she chooses to be snarky and put out, that’s not something you can control.
My ILs once showed up five hours before we agreed to, and I told them I needed time to prepare and wouldn’t be ready for them for a few more hours. I told them that we had agreed on a time, I had a lot to do and they were stressing me out. They went to Trader Joe’s and Wegmans to keep themselves entertained and didn’t pull the early crap on us again.
My ILs once showed up five hours before we agreed to, and I told them I needed time to prepare and wouldn’t be ready for them for a few more hours. I told them that we had agreed on a time, I had a lot to do and they were stressing me out. They went to Trader Joe’s and Wegmans to keep themselves entertained and didn’t pull the early crap on us again.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:54
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?
they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.
Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!
+1
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:53
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!
Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.
One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.
So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.
NP here. I liked PP's advice but I'm a petty b!tc# and I own it.
You will become the hated MIL if you keep it up
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:53
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Christmas is not about you and your personal time. It’s a day for family. Who cares if your in laws sit around your house while you prep? If your life is so “crazy hard” that Xmas is your only day to yourself, then I think the problem is your life and not your in laws.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:52
Subject: Re:I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
The thing about setting boundaries is that you then need to be okay with the other person feeling annoyed, inconvenienced, or hurt. All you needed to say after your MILs zinger is "great, I appreciate you understanding. We are all looking forward to seeing you!" and then forget about it and get on with your holiday prep.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:49
Subject: Re:I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Posts like these remind me of how thankful I am that we both have normal relationships with our parents. I had no idea how rare it is. Both sets of our parents are welcome in our home at any time, especially the set that has to travel to get here. There is absolutely no circumstance where we would ever dictate or decline an arrival time, especially for the holidays. Yes, we both work so I understand how it feels to be short on time. But these are parents, not dinner party guests.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:43
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?
they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.
Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:42
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!
Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.
One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.
So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.
NP here. I liked PP's advice but I'm a petty b!tc# and I own it.
Op - I actually do like my mil And am concerned about her and don’t want them to drive in the dark if they don’t want to. I work crazy hard and have had a difficult year and 24th is the only day I have off work which isn’t full family or travel (we go to my parents on Sunday). I just wanted some space and genuinely do need to protect my mental health a bit. Mil knows we have had a hard year (dh laid off twice and other health factors) so I’m just bummed that she would feel the need to push on this and make it personal. It’s not personal I’m just trying to keep my head above water and also it should be fine for humans to communicate about a convenient time for a guest to arrive without guilt
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:38
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!
Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.
One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.
So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.
NP here. I liked PP's advice but I'm a petty b!tc# and I own it.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:34
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?
they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.
Why too late?
Also if someone feels unwelcome in your house bc you asked them to come at a certain time that feels like their decision rather than a fact
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:29
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?
they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.
they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:28
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
4pm is not dark, so the ILs won’t be driving in the dark and wouldn’t be arriving in the dark. GMAB with all the boo hoo. OP tried a compromise and MIL didn’t want t to hear it and tried the old switcheroo to try to guilt OP “we wouldn’t want to interfere with your ‘mental health’ “. I would have replied: “great that we are on the same page. Bye”. And hung up.
My own mother is exactly like this. She absolutely positively has to be in control of time, I have no idea what her objective is but she’s infamous for never arriving when she say she will or never calling when she leaves her home (like she promises she will) so we can have things ready for her or even make sure we are home. It’s a weird game of gotcha.
OP should be ready for her ILs to just show up early. They may have the excuse “it took us much shorter than we expected so we’re here”. Or “we though there would be more traffic, so we got her much faster, you don’t mind do you?”
Have a game plan. Make sure your husband is home.
My own mother is exactly like this. She absolutely positively has to be in control of time, I have no idea what her objective is but she’s infamous for never arriving when she say she will or never calling when she leaves her home (like she promises she will) so we can have things ready for her or even make sure we are home. It’s a weird game of gotcha.
OP should be ready for her ILs to just show up early. They may have the excuse “it took us much shorter than we expected so we’re here”. Or “we though there would be more traffic, so we got her much faster, you don’t mind do you?”
Have a game plan. Make sure your husband is home.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:27
Subject: I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!
Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.
One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.
So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.
Anonymous
12/23/2021 10:23
Subject: Re:I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad
Anonymous wrote:Your MIL makes a valid point about driving in the dark and you dig in, OP, not being able to concede that she is right. Then you come here seeking validation. Huh.
Assuming OP is in the DC area, it is definitely still very much daylight out at the 4pm arrival time.