If it's that important to be included and invited to all the parties, what are you doing to strengthen the friendship bonds between your son and the other boys? Are you hosting play dates? Getting to know their parents? You may have to put in the effort on your end as well and not just rely on the benevolence of others given the challenges you face. Also are the other parents even aware of the special needs?

^i meant to quote OP, not the person replying to OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP could it also be that you are from a small town in Europe? I think it is different when the challenging kid belongs to parents you know and already have close ties to in your community. Then it is “worth it” socially to see it as a phase and that they need included too. You may see this in small towns here too.

But this is a big metro area and presumably the other mom does not know you not have a reasonable expectation she will need to know and interact with you for years to come. So the social “incentive structure” is different

I understand your point and it’s nice to be inclusive, but where do you draw the line? At that age my child would want some kids from class, some from the soccer team, some from the scout troop, some long time friends from preschool and some from the neighborhood. If you included everyone from all of these groups the party would not be a manageable size and not be fun for anyone. Not many venues or houses could accommodate that many kids. You seem focused on the class but this child may be inviting kids from other areas of life too.

Anonymous wrote:Op - so this is a really interesting thread and I have learned a lot
Some background - I am not from the us originally. Where I am from in Europe - is a bit of a different conversation. Some kids have challenges etc but is more of an inclusive approach where I think the aim is to less see emotional regulation issues as a ‘fault’ of the kid or parents and more as a phase that needs support
In the us it feels like there is a lot of blame placed on uneven development
I prob will continue to see it the way I grew up and my friends back in Europe see it and prioritize all kids mental health and inclusivity. I get where people would want to draw the line at property destruction. I wouldn’t force my kid to invite everyone but I would want to encourage the part of them that has empathy and wants to include. Honestly I may be way off base here and is just an american cultural difference I need to get with

Preschool parties are an invite everyone situation but you are talking about 15 kids, max. That is financially feasible for most families. My kids K class had 30 kids. That gets expensive fast. Kids are used to the idea that they are not invited to every party. DS had two friends leave an event that he was at to go to a party. The two kids who left were in a different class for his grade. Also, he doesn't play with the kid who was having the party. Why would he be invited? There are kids in his class that he doesn't do anything with at recess or after school or at the park. He waves hi when he sees them and that is it. Why would those kids invite him to a party?

His mental health is just fine and he doesn't exclude kids who want to play when we see them at the park or at the pool.

But you do you and judge away.

OP could it also be that you are from a small town in Europe? I think it is different when the challenging kid belongs to parents you know and already have close ties to in your community. Then it is “worth it” socially to see it as a phase and that they need included too. You may see this in small towns here too.

But this is a big metro area and presumably the other mom does not know you not have a reasonable expectation she will need to know and interact with you for years to come. So the social “incentive structure” is different

Op - so this is a really interesting thread and I have learned a lot
Some background - I am not from the us originally. Where I am from in Europe - is a bit of a different conversation. Some kids have challenges etc but is more of an inclusive approach where I think the aim is to less see emotional regulation issues as a ‘fault’ of the kid or parents and more as a phase that needs support
In the us it feels like there is a lot of blame placed on uneven development
I prob will continue to see it the way I grew up and my friends back in Europe see it and prioritize all kids mental health and inclusivity. I get where people would want to draw the line at property destruction. I wouldn’t force my kid to invite everyone but I would want to encourage the part of them that has empathy and wants to include. Honestly I may be way off base here and is just an american cultural difference I need to get with

We invited all but 2 of the girls in the class in K because 2 of the girls were horribly behaved. The kind of kids that constantly disrupt the class, throw fits, act violently, etc. At a party I'm hosting? No thank you.

DS has one classmate that has a party where they invite everyone. DS went in K but has not been since, last year they even did a virtual party where they invited everyone and passed out an activity and cupcake at the school parking lot. DS doesn’t play with the kid at recess and has not asked to play with the boy after school. The boy is disruptive in class, not breaking anything or melting down but needing lots of attention and just loud/interrupting. He was the same way in after school activities.

He does have ADHD, his mom told everyone. I have no idea how many people go to his party. DS doesn’t go because he is not a friend of the boys and just isn’t interested in attending.

DS invites 6-8 kids to his party. They are kids he hangs with from school and activities. It is not all the boys or close to all the boys in his class. I wouldn’t do a party with the entire class. DS doesn’t invite this particular kid because DS doesn’t play with him. He doesn’t invite about 20 other kids from his class either. DS is invited to all the other kids parties and that is ok.

My kid is a couple of years older but he didn’t get invited to a close friends party this fall. The mom was so upset she called me to talk about it. The boys were going through a thing and her child didn’t want to invite mine. I told her it was fine and her son should have a party with whoever he wants. They were not getting along at the moment and there was no reason to feel bad. Three months later they are close again. My son even recently had his birthday and invited his friend. Most adults don’t keep score about stuff like this. Most kids don’t either.

I would never do a whole class party. I've been to a couple and they are a zoo. Not fun. The kids at 7 or older get to choose who celebrates their birthday with them. Plus it's not like the whole class was invited and only your DS was excluded... The kid had a small party and invited his friends. I think you are upset for really no reason. Your son doesn't like everyone either, I'm sure.

I fee like this is part of the “everybody deserves a trophy” culture that makes me nuts. I have no clue what percentage of kids I’ve invited to my kid’s parties in her entire life. And I have a second kid with profound special needs that is never invited to ANYTHING - I don’t think inclusion means having to invite a cognitive toddler to fifth grade elementary parties. Your kid has to learn they won’t be invited to everything — that is just life. I can also assure you that my neurotypical kid invites lots of friends to her parties that have not invited her to their own parties — even though they happily come to her parties. . She invites who she likes and doesn’t score keep.

You also can see why the birthday boy and your kid might not be a good match right now. That may change — they could be best friends by middle school.

You have got to let this go and start to teach your kid some resilience about disappointment.

Anonymous wrote:People on this board are very firm that you should invite the whole class or all of one gender, no matter what.

I disagree and think for a kid's birthday party they should be allowed to invite whoever they enjoy spending time with. If two of the boys constantly tease them or leave them out of things, it seems reasonable to me to want to leave them out of a birthday party by the age of eight. At five, sure, give them a chance. But by eight you get to pick your friends.

People always say this online but we have yet to be invited to a whole class party in elementary. I don’t even think we have ever been invited to an every same sex in the class invited to a party.

I am having a whole class party for my 4yo. I did the same when my older kids were in preschool.

Even my friend who has twin boys in the same class in kindergarten did not invite all the boys in their class to an outdoor playground party. They only invited the boys the twins were friends with.

We have not had invite the whole class or invite every same sex kid in class since elementary.

When my son was turning 7, I realized I invited 6 boys out of 10. Including DS, it would have been 7/10 boys from his class. Not everyone could come so it ended up being 6 boys out of 10. He did not invite the boys he had no relationship with. I was not trying to exclude. We had a hard room limit and we had family friends and preschool friends.

I was always tried to be inclusive but now we have 3 kids and once elementary hit, you only invite actual friends.

Anonymous wrote:Basically they invited 6 of the 8 boys. I know it wasn’t a mix up bc one of the other boys asked the birthday boy why he hadn’t invited ds and he said it never occurred to him. That’s understandable from an 8 yo boy but not from an adult. Agree I think half the boys would be acceptable - or half the whole class. But leaving out 2 feels crappy. And yes they have been invited to our parties - pre Covid when we had them

Pre-Covid means it was almost two years ago. Friendships change a lot at that age in two years.

It’s okay. You won’t be invited to everything. Are you positive these are the only kids coming? Maybe some girls are invited or some boys from other classes or schools. Your son obviously isn’t friends with this kid.

Around that age, my daughter had a party and invited mostly girls but some boys. She invited her friends and we didn’t pay careful attention to inviting all of the girls in the class or all of the boys. We didn’t invite the entire class for sure. Kids start picking their own friends and they may not even be in their homeroom class.