Be quiet and don’t engage in conversations

Books, lots of books.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wine

My MiL once asked my husband if I have an alcohol problem. I don’t drink often at all, but I have a drink with lunch and a few with dinner every time we see the in laws.

My ILs think we are both alcoholics. It’s their first talking point after a visit. Our alcohol consumption directly correlates to how long they stay with us. The 20 night visit was accompanied by so much wine.

We just say we have other plans.

If you or anyone else brings a dog, “oh look at Bowser, I think he needs to go out to do his business! He needs to go for a walk! I’m going to play with Max in the yard!” It’ll work with cats too but they don’t usually go outside, but maybe you can find the cat in a quiet place and just spend some time hanging out.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

The goal isn't to "not be there" AT ALL. The goal is to balance being there and then also GETTING A DAMN BREAK from people who live life differently than you do. So if Mama Nancy wants to watch Fox News all day, I need to spend the morning at the cafe so I don't go insane, but then maybe I'm fortified to get through the afternoon propaganda machine with a smile on my face. So you are there, and there is quality time, but spending every minute focused on visiting and making memories can be exhausting.

Oh we have to endure 24/7 of Fox News too. I don’t even care that my parents have different opinions, I care that they are constantly trying to convert family, friends, and strangers alike to their worldview. I don’t bring up politics bc (1) it’s divisive and (2) there are more interesting things to discuss over the holidays. But dang it just wouldn’t be Christmas without bringing up the crisis at the border and CRT 97 times in 48 hours.

Every meal at my house has a plate, cup, utensils, and a kazoo. Anytime someone brings up politics or religion, other people blow the kazoo. Yes. I am that crazy grandma. But, it works. Everyone ends up laughing, and the conversation turns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

Inlaws don't care at all about their DIL. They want to see their son and grandchildren. Although I will say that when men disappear, no one bats and eye. But women are questioned when they disappear because that means they aren't helping cook/clean/corral kids.

+1 million this is so true. With my IL’s it’s 90% my husband they want to see and like 10% the kids. Since I’m mom, I’m just the child minder, and I have to be extremely on top of the kids at all times because none of the other adults there (IL’s, SIL and BIL, and another BIL) aren’t going to lift a finger to help.

Why should they? They are your kids.

Oooh I knew some person without kids would harp on that. Maybe help is the wrong word. I wouldn’t want or expect someone to like help the toddler with a bath, or read bedtime stories …. Though it’s probably worth noting I spent a lot of time over the summers with my beloved grandma and she did all that stuff gladly for me when I was a little kid … But they don’t even make an effort to interact or play or do anything fun with the kids either. It’s “here’s some of your dad’s old toys that we kept in storage for 35-40 years, go amuse yourselves.” That works when there are cousins around but, of course, we have the only grandkids which is a whole another issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wine

My MiL once asked my husband if I have an alcohol problem. I don’t drink often at all, but I have a drink with lunch and a few with dinner every time we see the in laws.

LOL! I only drink at family events and when the pandemic first started. Otherwise never. They probably think I am a lush. Not just my inlaws. I drink if I have to deal with my sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nuclear family only vacations

This exactly - it's worth the extra cost of traveling during peak times

+1. We’re doing it for the first time and omg it is like heaven.

Yep!!!

Also, if we do visit family or they visit us, we ALWAYS do hotels. If for some reason that is truly not an option, we only host for one night or spend one night with people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nuclear family only vacations

This exactly - it's worth the extra cost of traveling during peak times

+1. We’re doing it for the first time and omg it is like heaven.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. Seriously, not good for your health.

Have something to do to entertain yourself is good. I like the run/walk program and crocheting/reading options. They worked ok for me. So did "headaches" so I would need to go lie down or at least be somewhere quiet. Someone would always 'call' so I'd leave on a walk to take said 'call'...or sign up for a local event/class like hot yoga or a riding lesson or something. Or just put on an audiobook/music on your headphones, too.

Other options to keep the ILs relatively muzzled so they weren't attacking/abusing anyone and quiet...take them out of the house! Before covid, we'd go to the theatre or some other event where they had to be quiet and were able to be gotten away from and also enjoyable to SO & I. I would pack the schedule very tight...and leave for bed as soon as possible while they got hammered and extra mean when they got home.

At home, lots of walks with the dog/training runs or previous commitments with friends or various 'volunteer work' work to get out of the house.

Also, have your SO take them out of your house for most of the day every day and go out to eat or have everything catered. There is a huge difference between hosting loved ones and rude ILs...so minimize your efforts. If you can't feasibly eat out, then just make ahead and freeze to pop in the oven later.

Don't let on if you are good at cooking and baking unless you want to use that to hide out in the kitchen. MIL *never* cooks and was always happy to cede the space which was great.

Anonymous wrote:opiods

For you, or the in-laws?