pretty sure no school considers a less than 3.3 GPA academic probation LOL

Anonymous wrote:Adults can pay for their own college and living expenses. My husband's kids demanded we pay for college. We said we'd help as much as we can but we wanted to see the applications, financial aid, wanted grades, reasonable contact, how much they were contributing (i.e. summer jobs as they refused to work) and how much mom was contributing. They refused. Dad told them that if they want to be adults, that comes with responsibilities like paying for yourself. Now one is over $400K in debt and has a go fund me.

Congratulations?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My freshman gave us access. We still mostly so that we can pay the tuition bill, but technically I could look at semester grades. I probably won’t have to; my kid is pretty open about assignment grades (which don’t appear in the portal anyway) and if the grades drop below a 3.3 GPA we’ll find out regardless when DC ends up on academic probation.

Having a GPS puts a student on academic probation — for undergrad????? Insanity.

GPS —> GPA

Yeah a 3.3 isn't Academic probation. That's a B+ average.

In my engineering school the average freshman GPA was.like 2.2 the first year engineeringncourses were designed to be brutal. If your kid is a STEM major and you lose your mind over a B, your kid is going to hate you and potentially get out-of STEM.

When 18 you are an adult, so this isn’t so strange.

If you are worried your child is not the kind of person who will make good use of private school tuition, it would be much better all around for you not to pay it, and tell them to attend a state school or find a way to fund the difference in tuition. I only remember one classmate whose parents wanted transcripts at our "expensive private". They also expected straight As so she made a fake transcript to placate them. They kept a tight rein on her at home so the crazy came out at school and she hid even relatively innocuous things like legal drinking from her parents.

Having open communication, asking how they're doing in general, anything you can help with, etc. is great. Demanding transcripts indicates a lack of trust and doesn't really help them learn that they are the one responsible for themselves IMO. You don't have to let go fully all at once the minute they turn 18, but easing off on grade-checking seems like a reasonable step once your child is an adult in college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha ha only helicopter parents engage in such nonsense.

I sent four kids to college. Still have no idea what any of their grades were.

Did you pay 300K for each?

We paid full fare for each kid. Some public, some private. I don't understand why you think it's necessary to hover over your adult child in college. If they did enough in high school to satisfy you that they're serious students, why can't you trust them in college?

Because it would be an extremely different environment.

Right. One in which they'd be ADULTS.

Adults can pay for their own college and living expenses. My husband's kids demanded we pay for college. We said we'd help as much as we can but we wanted to see the applications, financial aid, wanted grades, reasonable contact, how much they were contributing (i.e. summer jobs as they refused to work) and how much mom was contributing. They refused. Dad told them that if they want to be adults, that comes with responsibilities like paying for yourself. Now one is over $400K in debt and has a go fund me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My freshman gave us access. We still mostly so that we can pay the tuition bill, but technically I could look at semester grades. I probably won’t have to; my kid is pretty open about assignment grades (which don’t appear in the portal anyway) and if the grades drop below a 3.3 GPA we’ll find out regardless when DC ends up on academic probation.

Having a GPS puts a student on academic probation — for undergrad????? Insanity.

GPS —> GPA

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

What you’re really saying is that DC is not ready, because he’s demonstrated an unwillingness to seek out help proactively when he needs it. Is this the view of his teachers? Because it could be you’re not ready to let him go far away.

Anonymous wrote:My freshman gave us access. We still mostly so that we can pay the tuition bill, but technically I could look at semester grades. I probably won’t have to; my kid is pretty open about assignment grades (which don’t appear in the portal anyway) and if the grades drop below a 3.3 GPA we’ll find out regardless when DC ends up on academic probation.

Having a GPS puts a student on academic probation — for undergrad????? Insanity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha ha only helicopter parents engage in such nonsense.

I sent four kids to college. Still have no idea what any of their grades were.

Did you pay 300K for each?

How is that relevant?

Funny how the “I paid for their college education” doesn’t see that as another form of helicoptering. SMH.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have access to your dcs' grades?

My parents did not when I was in college in the mid 1990s. It never occurred to us or me.

However, my ds's top choice is an expensive private that is states away that we would likely pay for full freight unless there is a little merit money. I feel that because of this we need to know where he stands and be able to support him if he needs it. Is this a strings attached idea? I don't consider myself a controlling or helicopter mom at all. But this is a ton of money.

He also has been accepted to our state flagship which is just 30 minutes away and also our alma mater. I feel more ambivalent about having access to grades at this school and I am not sure why.

Also this is something that could be a year by year thing. Like maybe just have access his freshman year and if things are going ok then back off.

Thoughts?

It sounds like you are giving your kid a scholarship. Most colleges have strings attached as far as grades. That is basically how I would frame it. Maybe the kid needs to front some of the expenses, and gets reimbursed if grades are adequate. Make sure the bar you set is doable. If the kid isn’t taking your money, then grades are not your business.

Maybe some of the money from is free and clear from you without needing to see grades. Above a certain amount I’d want to see proof that my money was being put to good use.

My friend’s brother started taking classes, and then dropped them early enough to get a refund for a couple semesters before his parents realized what was happening. Unacceptable.

Also, I went to college in the early 90s, and also cannot phathom allowing my parents free access to my grades. However, Uncle Sam, my loan lender and I paid for my education plus a modest scholarship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a few reasons:

- so he knows we know without us having to ask or nag
- so we can intervene if needed - he would NEVER ask us
- it's expensive and it is an investment
- he would be states away and it is a way to be able to know what is going on
-it would be conditional and maybe just freshman year

This is the definition of helicopter parenting. You son is an adult. He needs to figure out when to intervene himself. If he's not asking you, it's because he doesn't want you to intervene. You probably think it's because he doesn't know he needs help, but I guarantee you, by the time he's 18, he knows when he's screwing up. Let him breathe and figure out how to fix failure on his own. Otherwise you'll be intervening at his job, in his marriage, etc.

I get what you are saying re the slippery slope. What it comes down to for me I guess is the financial outlay for college and the responsibility we have and he has to make sure it is money well spent.

By the time your kid has gotten through the college application process and chosen his courses for freshman year, I would think that you would have decided whether you view the tuition as “money well spent.“

We committed to our kids that we would pay for their college education, and that is what we are doing. The rest is up to them. If they party their way through and/or flunk out, that too is on them.

That said, nothing in their lives to do is indicated that there is any likelihood of that happening. If I had a high school senior who showed any indication of that, then we would be making a different plan for post graduation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha ha only helicopter parents engage in such nonsense.

I sent four kids to college. Still have no idea what any of their grades were.

Did you pay 300K for each?

How is that relevant?

Anonymous wrote:My thought is if you are paying, you are entitled to grades. My parents expected me to give a copy of my grades to them. I'd expect my child to do the same. I dont' think its controlling.

My thought is that might doesn’t make right. Just because I have the financial power doesn’t mean I get all the say. Our kids give us access to their grades because they want to do so. If they did not want to do so, then we would respect that. Money has nothing to do with it.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah all that FERPA was a pain in the neck when my kid had unexpected paranoid schizophrenia Freshman year. What a terrible way to manage mental health at college.

This is my fear and I am so sorry that you experienced it. All best to DC - hope they have been able to get help.