Anonymous
12/11/2021 15:04
Subject: Re:Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:In these types of marriages, the wife and husband often are living in different worlds and it becomes hard to relate. OP likely doesn’t value everything his wife does and isn’t even aware of everything she is doing. His house is well decorated, clean, his kids well dressed, dinner on the table, activities for kids arranged, vacations planned etc and he thinks it all just happens. He has no idea that by punishing her with a job, he’d only be hurting himself.
It’s why I prefer a more equitable relationship where both spouses work and contribute at home.
I’m 100% sure OP has a house keeper
Anonymous
12/11/2021 15:02
Subject: Re:Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:In these types of marriages, the wife and husband often are living in different worlds and it becomes hard to relate. OP likely doesn’t value everything his wife does and isn’t even aware of everything she is doing. His house is well decorated, clean, his kids well dressed, dinner on the table, activities for kids arranged, vacations planned etc and he thinks it all just happens. He has no idea that by punishing her with a job, he’d only be hurting himself.
It’s why I prefer a more equitable relationship where both spouses work and contribute at home.
Omg, the SAHM make work. Vacations planned?
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:57
Subject: Re:Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:In these types of marriages, the wife and husband often are living in different worlds and it becomes hard to relate. OP likely doesn’t value everything his wife does and isn’t even aware of everything she is doing. His house is well decorated, clean, his kids well dressed, dinner on the table, activities for kids arranged, vacations planned etc and he thinks it all just happens. He has no idea that by punishing her with a job, he’d only be hurting himself.
It’s why I prefer a more equitable relationship where both spouses work and contribute at home.
Why would I want my wife to work if she doesn't need to? We don't have to deal with half the BS other couples do when it comes to vacation, coordinating, errands, etc. I don't know what word to use, but her working would be more of hassle for our family.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:53
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Why does she think private school is a good idea? I went to an excellent public school, and my kid supposedly goes to an excellent public school, but as I look at how the local school system is being run, if I could afford private, I would. This is not the world of decades ago.
What the heck are you earning that big paycheck for? You don’t get to take it with you when you go. If you can’t afford private for two kids on that salary, I seriously question what crap you are spending your money on. Let’s say you lose half of your earnings to taxes. And then you invest $100k a year. You still have $150k per year for everything else. I think you can swing your expenses on 12.5k a month.
What the heck are you earning that big paycheck for? You don’t get to take it with you when you go. If you can’t afford private for two kids on that salary, I seriously question what crap you are spending your money on. Let’s say you lose half of your earnings to taxes. And then you invest $100k a year. You still have $150k per year for everything else. I think you can swing your expenses on 12.5k a month.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:49
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.
Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).
His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”
What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.
And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.
DP. It depends on your job. My husband and I both work. We do all of the above. If you have a flexible job you don’t need to have a SAHP.
Does one of you make $500k/yr and have that level of flexibility?
Nope, but together we do.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:44
Subject: Re:Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
In these types of marriages, the wife and husband often are living in different worlds and it becomes hard to relate. OP likely doesn’t value everything his wife does and isn’t even aware of everything she is doing. His house is well decorated, clean, his kids well dressed, dinner on the table, activities for kids arranged, vacations planned etc and he thinks it all just happens. He has no idea that by punishing her with a job, he’d only be hurting himself.
It’s why I prefer a more equitable relationship where both spouses work and contribute at home.
It’s why I prefer a more equitable relationship where both spouses work and contribute at home.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:37
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.
Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).
His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”
What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.
And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.
Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!
Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.
+1, from a working mom who has a partner. My spouse and I often joke that we BOTH want a housewife. And if either of us made 500k, the other would become one. Kids, even older kids, are a ton of work, and running a household actually gets harder as kids age because the issues get larger.
I’m somewhat agnostic on the issue of private school but find it concerning that OP would throw away the clear advantages to him and his kids, if a SAHM, over it. I am always baffled by the idea that SAHMs are selfish or lazy. A selfish/lazy person with a high earning spouse would get some easy, low stress, and low paying job and outsource the house and kids on her DH’s salary. It sounds to me like OP’s wife is a committed mom who wants the best for her kids. You can argue about what that means, but it’s ridiculous to act like she’s deadweight because she isn’t earning income.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:33
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.
I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.
Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.
How do I raise this without blowing things up?
Um, this is so one time at band camp, in the 80s or 90s. .
It's 2021. A whole lot has changed! Kids can't just waltz out of public school into good colleges with lots of safeties anymore. Kids are getting into NO college. Public schools have changed too. And you earn enough to pay for private. Private high school is maybe 3,000/month. There is a sibling discount. That's roughly the same cost as daycare for middle class folk, or cost of nanny. Just stop spending cash on stupid toys and cars or whatever, and redirect those funds toward your kids future.
Lady, a smart kid who works hard in ANY school (public or private) is going to get into college. If your kid is an idiot, even coming out of a private school, he either won't get in or won't thrive in college. Private school is not the end all be all.
Signed - executive at a Fortune 500 company who went to public K-12 and [gasp!] a public university.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:28
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
“To be honest, I’m worried that the benefits of that for the kids will not be worth the cost to me in terms of extra years I’d have to work to fund it. Lets talk through the options together and decide what makes the most sense”
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:15
Subject: Re:Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
OP, you should drive home to your wife that you will be resentful spending all that cash on private school when you can retire early. She does sound spoiled though so not sure that argument will have much impact on her thinking.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:12
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.
Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).
His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”
What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.
And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc. [/quo
Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!
Haha exactly.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:09
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Well my DH and I both work and our total HHI is $500k as well. We started sending our daughters to private in 6th grade and the total cost is $70k each year.
We make it work because we think their private is a million times better than their ‘top ranked’ public school was. And they need the personal attention that their private provides after not being in proper school for the past year and a half.
We do get half of their college expenses covered though, so that helps. You can do it on your salary alone OP!
We make it work because we think their private is a million times better than their ‘top ranked’ public school was. And they need the personal attention that their private provides after not being in proper school for the past year and a half.
We do get half of their college expenses covered though, so that helps. You can do it on your salary alone OP!
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:01
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.
Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).
His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”
OP’s kids are not teens. If you bothered to read the post, you’d learn his kids are not yet in middle school.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 14:00
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I work in a public school. Absolutely get your kids into a good private school if you can. A lot of what I see horrifies me.
Also, consider how your wife getting a job will impact your career. Are you prepared to handle half of the pickups and drop offs? Half of the housework? Half of the childcare? What if she has to work weekends? Think about the impact this will have on your career. It likely makes more sense for her to remain a SAHM, rather than you taking over half of the duties and taking a career hit over $30k (6% of your salary).
His kids are teens - there is no “childcare.”
What are you talking about? There’s driving them to/from school, to activities, helping with homework, keeping on top of their schoolwork and with things the school needs (like paperwork, deadlines, etc), staying home with them when they’re sick, being able to leave work at a moments notice to get them, cooking dinner for the family, buying supplies, plus just spending time with your kids so they’re not alone and getting into trouble.
And that’s not even considering household responsibilities OP probably doesn’t do, like grocery shopping, cleaning, handling repairs, bills, paperwork, etc. He would have to take over half of that, too, so his evenings will be spent cooking, cleaning, handling logistics, etc.
Looks like a SAHM of teens has found this thread!
Nice try. But I’m a single mom who works full time. That’s how I know what the real value of a wife is - I would love to have someone who didn’t work and could handle all the household tasks. Sounds amazing to come home to a clean house and home cooked meal.
Anonymous
12/11/2021 13:55
Subject: Making SAHM get job to pay for private school
Anonymous wrote:How can I force this issue or am I in the wrong? I am sole breadwinner, make about 500k so money isn't an issue but wife wants our 2 kids to go to private school for middle and high school. The school is about 30k per year. That's about $700k I'm pre tax money and not counting college.
I went to public school my whole life, including a good state school so my tuition from kindergarten through end of grad school was about the cost of one year of this middle school, combined. I think private school is a waste, unless you are in a bad school district or your kid has unique needs.
Leaving aside I could retire several years earlier if we sent the kids to the good, local public school, I feel my wife has lost the sense of what a dollar is. She isn't a spendthrift on other areas. I feel like if this is so important, then she can work with basically every penny she earns going to pay tuition.
How do I raise this without blowing things up?
So you would spend zero on tuition and expect her to pay 100 percent? That doesn't seem quite fair.