Anonymous
12/05/2021 12:33
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to babysit someone else kids for an entire weekend. That’s a big ask. But if you typically would be fine with doing so - like, let’s say this was a bachelor party or other guys trip or a work trip and you would say yes - I don’t think you should let the fact that it’s a girlfriend trip stop you.
I’m sorry for your loss. But he’s entitled to move on and date others. I would support him in this.
He can hire a babysitter or ask his family.
That's exactly what he did, you dimwit.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 12:31
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:And I feel like the Grinch and my reasoning is totally selfish. I love my nieces and nephews, but I am struggling with BIL having a new girlfriend. My SIL were best friends, neither of us had sisters growing up so we became like sisters, and honestly, I have felt pretty lost since she passed a few years ago, and yes I realize it's worse for my BIL and the kids. My BIL started dating a woman 6 months ago, and things seem to be pretty serious, and she's nice, there's nothing actually wrong with her, but I'm really struggling with the idea of her being around. Anyway, BIL asked me and DH to watch the kids the weekend before Christmas because he wants to go away with his girlfriend for 6-month anniversary. Normally I have no problem babysitting, and we've had plenty of sleepovers in the past and have always had a blast. But I don't want to do this, it feels like we're helping him cheat, even though I know he isn't cheating and isn't doing anything wrong. He's been nothing but a good, but it still feels wrong to me. Of course, my husband doesn't understand why I'm bothered b this. So help me DCUM, help me do the right thing here, and help me not be resentful and be welcoming to his girlfriend.
He's not the only one. This is befuddling to me.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 11:56
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Could you have an open, vulnerable discussion with him? Not in a “you’re a bad husband/father” way. No accusing. But in a way to help you in your grief. Sort of like, “I know this is completely irrational. Your happiness is so important to me and I’m happy you’ve found someone who brings you joy. I’m just struggling with this, I miss her so much, we were so close, and I feel like I’m betraying her in some way. Can we talk about it?”
He’s likely felt a lot of the same feelings - that he’s betraying his deceased wife, he still misses her, etc. It could be very healing for you both to talk about it.
He’s likely felt a lot of the same feelings - that he’s betraying his deceased wife, he still misses her, etc. It could be very healing for you both to talk about it.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 11:52
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
I doubt it’s really a six month anniversary trip, more of a “is this the real deal” kind weekend. Maybe they want some kid free time together before deciding if this is a marriage potential relationship since things are a bit more complicated when dating a widower with kids.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 10:44
Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Adults don’t celebrate six month anniversaries, but I’d think for a widower with kids, at some point he is going to have to figure out whenever this person he is spending time with is going to be a permanent or long-term addition to his family’s life, and six months seems like a reasonable time to start thinking about that. OP, I wouldn’t feel pressured to babysit if you have other plans or just don’t feel up to it, but if you otherwise would and just don’t want to on account of the fact you’re not ready to let go of SIL, I’d push past that and be gracious. The last thing you want if this woman ends up becoming a permanent part of your brothers life is her thinking you don’t accept her. Men go along to get along with new wives and rarely have a backbone when it comes to their own family, and you will always lose if it comes down to that.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 10:37
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Just say this weekend doesn't suit you
He is a parent. He doesn't get to have weekends away from kids, not until they move out of the house
Occasional babysitting when you are ok with it is fine
You should have said no much earlier. Tell him sooner rather than later. His girlfriend should rethink dating a man with so many kids. She will end up doing most of the child care and he most likely doesn't want to have any more kids. That is something she might not agree with
Seriously? Do you have kids? Do you plan to never be separate from them for any reason whatsoever? That's nuts.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 10:30
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Of course you aren’t obligated to do this. But I would, as a gift for your widowed brother who hasn’t had a lot of kid free time, and because you enjoy spending time with the children.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 10:17
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
He may want to propose.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 10:15
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Tell him to hire a sitter if you don't want to do it. I find your reasons not to do it very shallow and all about you.
If he hired a sitter, you'd still pout.
If he hired a sitter, you'd still pout.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 09:51
Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.
What a weird response. I watched my sisters two kids so her and her husband could go away when I had a 3 year old, 4 year old and a 2 week old. Her babysitting plans fell through and I stepped up and watched them for a long weekend. It is what being a family is about.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 07:55
Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine a woman wanting to dump her kids on a BIL to go away with her boyfriend for a weekend???? Men get away with so much it's crazy.
To celebrate a 6 month anniversary. A lot here would berate her for not focusing on her kids.
Maybe some would. Some (more sensible and balanced) others would say that "focusing on her kids" doesn't mean being with them 24/7.
Widowed mom here. At about the same timeline as OP's BIL, I took some weekends away with my gentleman friend. My relatives, who LOVED my DH were happy to watch my kids. No one shamed me.
You can be very focused on your children - you kind of have to be when you're the only parent they have - and carve out a new life for yourself. Two things can be possible at the same time.
Thank you for the sensible post. There is a lot of crazy on this thread.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 07:00
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
It's true that six month 'anniversaries' shouldn't need to be celebrated in adulthood, but imagine what it's like to be dating after losing your wife, or to be a woman getting to know an already formed (and heartbroken) family. A weekend getaway isn't such a ridiculous thing for a couple under those circumstances.
Also, on the off chance that this woman becomes your new SIL, OP, showing kindness even when you don't really feel it will help everyone involved, especially the kids. I say this from experience.
Also, on the off chance that this woman becomes your new SIL, OP, showing kindness even when you don't really feel it will help everyone involved, especially the kids. I say this from experience.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 06:38
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Just say this weekend doesn't suit you
He is a parent. He doesn't get to have weekends away from kids, not until they move out of the house
Occasional babysitting when you are ok with it is fine
You should have said no much earlier. Tell him sooner rather than later. His girlfriend should rethink dating a man with so many kids. She will end up doing most of the child care and he most likely doesn't want to have any more kids. That is something she might not agree with
He is a parent. He doesn't get to have weekends away from kids, not until they move out of the house
Occasional babysitting when you are ok with it is fine
You should have said no much earlier. Tell him sooner rather than later. His girlfriend should rethink dating a man with so many kids. She will end up doing most of the child care and he most likely doesn't want to have any more kids. That is something she might not agree with
Anonymous
12/05/2021 06:29
Subject: I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Grow up. Be a good aunt to your nieces and nephews, a good sister to your brother, a good friend to someone he cares about. As a mother I can tell you that I would want my husband to find a kind, reliable and supportive new partner if I died, to help my kids navigate life and to help him be happy.
Grow. UP.
Grow. UP.
Anonymous
12/05/2021 06:24
Subject: Re:I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend
Gah. So many people are either piling on OP, or on her BIL. Just a couple are doing what OP asked for: supporting her in what she wants to do but is finding very difficult. OP, you need a chance to process your grief. And you need also to get out there and try to find people who will fill the hole she left. Hugs to you. Focus on making a super fun weekend with your beloved SIL’s children, and later find time for your own weekend away with girlfriends. Also maybe write about your grief or make a photo tribute or talk to a therapist. She would want both of you to have love in your lives.