Why is this a big problem at Thanksgiving? Arrive Wed afternoon and there’s dinner. Thursday is a good day for their meal plan because the meal is usually served earlier. Leave after breakfast Friday and you’re free.

Stay with them and shorten the visit - they seem stressed by visitors. We enjoy my elderly parents and in-laws better in 2 night stays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

I'm the PP whose kids need to swim midday. My Dad is dead. Many adults have just one parent.

You need to address the issue or stay at a hotel. Or ignore them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

True but the aunt in question was my mom's sister and we would do stuff like go to lunch with mom and her sister. So my mom definitely witnessed more of it than my Dad. My mom I think was bullied by her sister as a kid herself and didn't realize she was letting her own kids be bullied.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Your mom AND DAD had that responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:What the What? How do you have a house without food? Especially if you want to have kids visiting?

And multiple people apparently do this?

My mom was big on healthy eating but there was always fruit and healthy snacks available and at thebjolidays of course there was plenty of food. It's the holidays.

Are they just imposing their eating disorder on everyone else?

These people literally have empty fridges and cabinets and keep constant tabs on how much food is in there. My husband and I snacked on the one box of crackers in the his mother's pantry and she just couldn't figure out where it went or how it all got eaten so fast. That's all there was to eat in-between the coffee and toast breakfast and soup lunch. She also counts how many pizza slices every one eats and assumes a large pizza will feed 8-10 people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

But also, don't let them shame kids for normal eating and if they do start to impose disordered eating on kids, visits are over. My aunt's comments about my (skinny) weight and eating as a teen (I was on cross country), did have an effect on me. I realize it was her own anorexia talking but the truth is my mom should have put a stop to it. Keep people like that away from your kids.

Stay in a hotel with a mini-kitchen. Buy your own food to eat when you're there. Problem solved. I would never stay with people who hovered over what I ate as an adult, told me when and what I could eat, closed the kitchen. Just, no. You're an adult, so make the adult decision to pay for a hotel room.

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

+1 for the bolded. You cannot change them, OP, you can only change yourself.

What the What? How do you have a house without food? Especially if you want to have kids visiting?

And multiple people apparently do this?

My mom was big on healthy eating but there was always fruit and healthy snacks available and at thebjolidays of course there was plenty of food. It's the holidays.

Are they just imposing their eating disorder on everyone else?

Anonymous wrote:NP here who is still blamed by ILs for starting a domino effect of people not staying with them anymore because of their refusal to stock their house with food, allow others to bring their own food, or watch people go out to eat without endless commentary and criticism.

Once I was pregnant and was derided for feeding myself during a visit, I decided I wouldn’t bring my child into that environment, ever. So we stay in a hotel. Once we made the move, DH’s brother and sister and their families always now stay in hotel. Sorry, MIL/FIL, no grandkids at your house because you couldn’t let go of your food obsession and be decent hosts.

Good for you PP. How dare you feed your pregnant body!

Anonymous wrote:I taught my kids to have tantrums on cue specifically for circumstances like these. I give the word, and they start running around and screaming that they're hungry. I just shrug my shoulders and say "they won't stop until they're eaten". Family can then choose what's more important, no snacks or a peaceful home.

Very useful tool overall. I use it anytime I want to get out of something, want faster service, or when the people around me are annoying me.

How old are your kids?!??

Anonymous wrote:

Actually, DH has already said he’s tired of this dynamic and he’s willing to stay in a hotel. So I actually am confident that he and I will both leave. -OP

OP, it sounds like the stay is otherwise pleasant?

If yes, instead of trying to get the inlaws to serve adequate meals, change your actions. You know that they’re only comfortable serving a tiny breakfast and dinner at their house. No amount of talking about food will result in adequate meals, you know this. So, just tell them that you’re going to out for lunch every day. Ignore comments and grumbling. Every day at 11:45am you get the kids and drive to the dinner. This is your routine on all visits from now on. Google grey rock for how to respond—it’s basically how to not engage. You decide before you go that you’re not going to let their comments bother you and you’re not going to engage.

I find that when something is predictable and routine, old people respond much better. For example, it’s much better to simply go to the dinner every single day at the same time than to make that decision “as needed.” It sounds counterintuitive, but skipping a day because you think maybe you’ll be okay with a bowl of cereal and a banana makes it worse. It creates anxiety and it becomes a commentary on their food portions. A predictable daily routine is best.

I taught my kids to have tantrums on cue specifically for circumstances like these. I give the word, and they start running around and screaming that they're hungry. I just shrug my shoulders and say "they won't stop until they're eaten". Family can then choose what's more important, no snacks or a peaceful home.

Very useful tool overall. I use it anytime I want to get out of something, want faster service, or when the people around me are annoying me.

Wow I could have written this. My in-laws are also this way. Last straw was when MIL wouldn’t stop commenting on how much I was eating (while nursing a baby) and would serve things like vegetable soup and call it “a heavy meal.”

We don’t visit now unless we’re staying in a hotel, and we take care of our own meals.