Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

In what way has this dynamic manifested itself? How did it cause conflict?

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

That's an individual thing. I'm the oldest of 3 and my siblings are perfectly lovely people, but they are not my best friends. Sure we can reminisce about childhood during holidays, but when s+it hits the fan they're not who I call or confide in. My longterm, non related best friends are those people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the assumption that only children will be spoiled, used to being the center of attention, demanding, etc. I don't think this reflects what it's actually like to grow up as an only. I do think this describes the experience of some (not all) youngest children. who also don't all grow up to be spoiled! But I do think that what people think is the experience of only children is actually the experience of some youngest children.

Only children don't have to compete with siblings for attention or resources, true. But in most families, those are limited resources no matter what. Unless your family is very wealthy, you are not going to get everything you want whenever you want it. I think sometimes people with siblings develop this idea that the reason they don't have what they want is because of their siblings, and it's probably not true. Only children still get served vegetables when they want pizza. They still have chores and curfews. They go to school, have to clean up their rooms, etc. If they don't, it's not because they are only children, it's because of other factors (indulgent parents, limited boundaries, extreme wealth or privilege). And people with siblings can have those things too.

Plus only children have less access to people to pay them attention and pump them up. As an only, sometimes your parents will be busy, plus they will sometimes be focused on themselves or each other. It's not 100% focus on you. That's why onlies often do learn to entertain themselves fairly easily or to be a bit more independent. Because they are often left to their own devices quite a bit as kids.

Youngest kids are much more likely to get used to being the center of attention because they aren't limited to their parents for attention. They have their parents plus their older siblings, which means in some families that youngest kids really do get used to never having to figure stuff out on their own, to their own detriment. They can get really accustomed to praise because families often fall into the habit of always praising the youngest no matter what, so they don't feel left out or like they aren't as good. And humans are programmed to view the smallest of any set as the cutest and most appealing -- it's a protective instinct. So youngest children have often gone their entire lives being told they are so cute and everything they do is just great. Sometimes older siblings help to counteract this by challenging that status quo (which is actually good!) but some families never do this and it can be really negative for that kid. When I have encountered adults in their 20s and 30s who are somehow simultaneously really attractive and fun to be around, and also absolutely infuriating as people, they are always the youngest in their family. Just frequently a real lack of basic life skills and some very weird expectations about where they stand with relation to other people. I think they are often very unaware of it as well. It can be a real challenge, especially because they are often very nice and friendly (while being unknowingly very entitled and demanding).

I’m guessing you are an older child. I am the youngest and I certainly did not receive constant praise. The opposite. My siblings were very critical of me. And no, that’s not good. Living in a house were older children who you think are cool are constantly putting you down is not good for confidence or self-esteem

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I really think about it. The adult onlies I know tend to be more comfortable doing things on their own and less emotionally needy. Even if they have mental health issues or other problems (everyone has problems), they do not seem to need as much validation as my other friends or have as much need for an audience. I do also think onlies are less willing to compromise with others. That can be very annoying but I also admire it at times— the ones in my life tend to get what they want (and exactly what they want) a lot more often than I do, and I try to take notes because I’m often a doormat.

I am a middle child and very different than this. I have a deep fear of being disliked and overlooked, and I tend to overcompensate by talking a lot and being very accommodating of others.

I personally have found that youngest children (especially “the babies” — people younger than their siblings by more than a year or two, especially in large families) are the biggest challenge personality wise. The neediness of a middle child combined with the entitlement/demanding attitude of an only.

The eldest really varies IME.

As a middle child, do you feel an instant inexplicable kinship with some people, and only later discover that they, too are middle children?

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the assumption that only children will be spoiled, used to being the center of attention, demanding, etc. I don't think this reflects what it's actually like to grow up as an only. I do think this describes the experience of some (not all) youngest children. who also don't all grow up to be spoiled! But I do think that what people think is the experience of only children is actually the experience of some youngest children.

Only children don't have to compete with siblings for attention or resources, true. But in most families, those are limited resources no matter what. Unless your family is very wealthy, you are not going to get everything you want whenever you want it. I think sometimes people with siblings develop this idea that the reason they don't have what they want is because of their siblings, and it's probably not true. Only children still get served vegetables when they want pizza. They still have chores and curfews. They go to school, have to clean up their rooms, etc. If they don't, it's not because they are only children, it's because of other factors (indulgent parents, limited boundaries, extreme wealth or privilege). And people with siblings can have those things too.

Plus only children have less access to people to pay them attention and pump them up. As an only, sometimes your parents will be busy, plus they will sometimes be focused on themselves or each other. It's not 100% focus on you. That's why onlies often do learn to entertain themselves fairly easily or to be a bit more independent. Because they are often left to their own devices quite a bit as kids.

Youngest kids are much more likely to get used to being the center of attention because they aren't limited to their parents for attention. They have their parents plus their older siblings, which means in some families that youngest kids really do get used to never having to figure stuff out on their own, to their own detriment. They can get really accustomed to praise because families often fall into the habit of always praising the youngest no matter what, so they don't feel left out or like they aren't as good. And humans are programmed to view the smallest of any set as the cutest and most appealing -- it's a protective instinct. So youngest children have often gone their entire lives being told they are so cute and everything they do is just great. Sometimes older siblings help to counteract this by challenging that status quo (which is actually good!) but some families never do this and it can be really negative for that kid. When I have encountered adults in their 20s and 30s who are somehow simultaneously really attractive and fun to be around, and also absolutely infuriating as people, they are always the youngest in their family. Just frequently a real lack of basic life skills and some very weird expectations about where they stand with relation to other people. I think they are often very unaware of it as well. It can be a real challenge, especially because they are often very nice and friendly (while being unknowingly very entitled and demanding).

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are usually very narcissistic.

Anonymous wrote:My Dad, an only, married my mother eldest of 7, and had 3 kids. My friend is an only, her husband is 1 of 5. Ive noticed that happens quite often.

Anonymous wrote:I have an only DD, age 11, and she is the most empathetic, thoughtful, generous person who would give away her last cherished stuffed animal if she saw someone who needed it. She popped out that way, I’m not taking any credit. I really think it’s more personality driven than birth order.

I’m a middle child who got the most attention growing up because I was the star athlete of the family. So again, not the typical “overlooked Jan Brady” type. YMMV

Anonymous wrote:I am an only. I don’t know if others recognize an only in me. But I think a common thread is lack of need to compete. Doesnt mean all onlies are not competitive, or that it’s a trait that couldn’t be learned elsewhere, but in general, we didn’t need to compete for resources / attention / love early on. Agree also on comfort being alone and entertaining ourselves. But this is my insight as an only, may be others’ perception of me may be different.