Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

Exactly. Let’s make the AP the one who gets blamed for the affair. Not the one who actually took the vows.
OP - I think it’s best you don’t invite your brother at all. The affair was his fault. He broke his vows. You should ban him form all future family holiday events, only to low key events. After all, he is a home wrecker. Wouldn’t want that in your home at the holidays. It might spread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

If OP had declared this in the first place, fine. But OP declared that they would see the girlfriend after the divorce, and then changed her mind. She's acting very punitively but can't hold herself to her own word. That's the issue.
Looks like the brother and sister are cut from the same cloth!

Did brother hold himself to the vows he spoke at his wedding? Sounds like he broke his word first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

If OP had declared this in the first place, fine. But OP declared that they would see the girlfriend after the divorce, and then changed her mind. She's acting very punitively but can't hold herself to her own word. That's the issue.
Looks like the brother and sister are cut from the same cloth!

You don't have to be made uncomfortable in your own home. It's her decision. Brother made his bed, now he can lie in it.

You are 1000% wrong, OP. And I promise you this…you will regret your behavior. The ex wife will move on. She’ll have a new husband. Maybe more kids. And she will slowly pull away from your family. Your connection to the kids will be through your brother. I’ve seen this play out too many times. Also, you have NO idea what really happened in that marriage.

You should invite your brother and his girlfriend. It doesn’t need to be awkward. Just be kind.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are related to him not to her. That is why he is still invited to family events. His kids live with his ex wife. They are older and have their own cars. We don't have to deal with my brother to maintain a relationship with them.

Serious question: Do you want a relationship with your brother?

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

If OP had declared this in the first place, fine. But OP declared that they would see the girlfriend after the divorce, and then changed her mind. She's acting very punitively but can't hold herself to her own word. That's the issue.
Looks like the brother and sister are cut from the same cloth!

You sound awful. I hope your brother disowns you all. You deserve it.

I agree that the holiday dinner may not be the time/place to meet her. However, you run the risk of estrangement from your brother if you are never willing to meet her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

No. But he's family. She's nobody. But brother is a guest, if he doesn't want to abide by the rules he doesn't have to come either. People are a lot more accepting of bad behavior when it's their blood relative, if you haven't noticed.

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

God, this is so misogynistic. Of course, it's the evil naughty Jezebel who broke up the marriage. The noble, pure man just couldn't resist her temptress ways. Are you living in the 1800s or something? This isn't a Hawthorne novel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. "

It is in the best interests of the kids to continue having a relationship with their father. It is not healthy for the kids to believe if you screw up you will forever disowned by your family.

He has been not been disowned. We just don't want his mistress around and neither do his kids.

It’s understandable that his kids don’t want to be around her. Much of that is because their lives were upended, plus loyalty to mom.
You, are the other hand, are a sibling. Your life didn’t get turned upside down. You are just choosing sides… because you like exSIL.
Grow up. Realize he is and always be your brother. You should love and care for him just as much - more so, in fact - than an exSIL.

I agree with you, OP. I watched my dad do something similar and it really messed me up for years to see everyone just phase my mother out. Does your brother have a daughter?

Also, I think his girlfriend is disgusting for wanting to come at all. A woman who could have an affair with a married man and then even WANT to bulldoze her way into one of his family's holidays, where she knows she is not wanted or respected and she knows she has caused his children such pain is a horrible person.

So basically, it could come down to choosing between making nice with your brother for the sake of "the family" and potentially messing up his kids more (especially a daughter!), or ostracizing your own brother and maybe losing him too.

Not a good choice.

But I would have had much healthier relationships in my 20s if someone had stood up to my dad and said what he did was not OK back in my impressionable years. It was horrifying to see everyone in my extended family embrace his mistress and accept her as if my mom never existed.

Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

Exactly this. Unless you are prepared to cut your brother out of your life, you had better start acting like a mature adult. I can understand your stance while they were still legally married, but that is over. He has moved on with his life. If you want to be in his life and for him to be in your life, you need to meet and be cordial to the person he chooses to share his life with.

Grow up.

-Happily married for 10 years and have never cheated, so don't bother accusing me of being a "mistress"

I’m also happily married and I think OP is being a jerk.

If you feel so strongly about cheating then you need to hold your brother to the same standard. While his girlfriend was complicit in his cheating, he was ultimately more in the wrong because he’s the one who betrayed his wife and kids. It sounds like your family is hoping abd waiting for this relationship to fizzle out. Now you’re all getting impatient that it’s still going strong. Your brother already blew up his life for this woman. He gave up half his wealth, his time with his children, he lost a lot of respect. It’s very unlikely that after going through all of that, he’s going to decide that not getting to spend Christmas with his mom and sister is the line in the sand that’s going to make him break up with her.

You need to get over it. Your brother is divorced. He has a girlfriend. You don’t have to be her best friend but you do have to be polite.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

Exactly this. Unless you are prepared to cut your brother out of your life, you had better start acting like a mature adult. I can understand your stance while they were still legally married, but that is over. He has moved on with his life. If you want to be in his life and for him to be in your life, you need to meet and be cordial to the person he chooses to share his life with.

Grow up.

-Happily married for 10 years and have never cheated, so don't bother accusing me of being a "mistress"

+1. You’ve made your point. Time to move on.

This was the first post I made on this thread. I agreed with someone else. I'm sorry you don't like that multiple people don't agree with you. That said, I have nothing more to add, but know I'll be eating my popcorn and watching you act like a spoilt child.

Wow, did you read that wrong. The PP was speaking to the PP, not you.

Yes, I did read that wrong. Which is why I explained that I read it wrong, and I apologized for the misunderstanding. You good?