she said that she needed to discuss her feelings with her therapist. She is on some meds and sees a therapist. She also seems to have a lot of issues and baggage. She is mid 30s. DH and I think these are all bad signs and think brother should move on.

Would you think someone on meds and seeing a therapist regularly would be a red flag?

Seeing a therapist is no big deal. Her announcing she needs to run things by her therapist is a bad sign. Meds: for what? If for bipolar, run!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brother starting dating a new girl and within the first few weeks, she said that she needed to discuss her feelings with her therapist. She is on some meds and sees a therapist. She also seems to have a lot of issues and baggage. She is mid 30s. DH and I think these are all bad signs and think brother should move on.

Would you think someone on meds and seeing a therapist regularly would be a red flag?

I feel like it should be all fun and good times in the beginning.

What does “fun and good times in the beginning” have to do with therapy and medication? Do you think people in therapy don’t have fun?

Unless brother has asked your opinion, you need to MYOB. What’s more concerning is how enmeshed you are - he’s telling you about her “baggage”, and you seem to think you’re the gatekeeper of who joins your family.

Has your brother actually stated he’s unhappy?

This! I have mental health issues and baggage and when I was dating my now-husband that was not fun and good times. But our relationship was basically all fun and good times! I did try to break up with DH at one point because I didn’t feel emotionally healthy enough to have a relationship, but he pointed out to me that breaking up probably wouldn’t actually fix anything. He was happy with me despite my issues that I was working on and didn’t drag him into, I was happy with him, and after fourteen years of marriage we are still happy. If our relationship was unhealthy and not fun and happy, for *any* reason (not just my mental health), sure that would be a problem. But that wasn’t the case.

And yeah regardless this is not OP’s issue, it’s her brother’s. Everybody wants the perfect SIL and mental health issues or no, we often don’t get that. (Although all my husband’s brothers and sisters think I’m great, so there’s that).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course. Mental illness is a disease like any other. But making a life with a sick person is harder than making a life with a healthy person.

Thing is so much of mental health doesn’t show up until later in a marriage because people mask it. OP’s brother’s GF isn’t, so maybe that is a positive. She is working on it before the marriage. Hard to know. Is she independent and functional?

You're seriously asking if she's "independent and functional"? I've been in therapy and on meds for thirty years. I also am a partner at my law firm, own two houses, am married with two kids, run marathons, have friends, etc.

Also, I should mention that "mental health" is not the same thing as "mental health problems" or "mental health issues".
It doesn't make sense to say "mental health doesn't show up until later".

You're very ignorant.

I think it was a very legitimate question. No need to make it personal or about you. It's great that you function so well. Has nothing to do with the subject person.

I think it's very weird, in 2021, to wonder if someone is independent and functional just because they see a therapist.

+1

And even the other issues like taking meds and having baggage aren’t really reasons to wonder if somebody is independent and functional. In fact it’s pretty difficult to take meds and go to therapy if you aren’t (unless somebody like a parent is making all those appointments for you). The comment was prejudiced even though it came from somebody who is on meds.

Personally, I would not want to deal with the drama. I'm not sure if I view it as a red flag, but I'd be out.

Anonymous wrote:Just the act of being in therapy is not a red flag at all.

In fact, I think a divorced person who has not done at least some therapy before dating again is a potential red flag depending on circumstances.

+1

Moving on without unpacking all of that baggage is no good. There is likely trauma there. IF a person was a cheater and didn't go in and get help--no way. Not having done therapy would be the red flag in that situation.

If a person had a dysfunctional childhood--with alcoholism or cheating or neglect or abuse----no matter how 'adjusted' the same in their 20s, etc--and has not done any therapy. Huge red flag. That crap resurfaces midlife in marriage and it isn't pretty. The red flag there for people that grew up in healthy households with loving parents is not realizing what a huge deal that is and how it can seriously negatively effect the relationship down the road. It's hard for people that did not experience that kind of stuff to envision how that has damaged someone. The ones that seem 'perfect', claim it didn't effect them are ripe for the biggest blowup mid-marriage. And, a lot of behavior directly stems from one of those 'big issue items'. They learn to lie (to cover for alcoholic parent) and to compartmentalize (to shove that part of their life down from what everyone sees outside the home), with cheating and neglect from a parent/s they can have narcissistic tendencies and need LOTS of external validation in life.

I used to have a pretty blase attitude about people in therapy (barring severe mental illness, depression/bipolar, etc)---but now I see how wrong that was. So much in life could have been avoided if more people got the help they needed without stigma.

Anonymous wrote:Brother starting dating a new girl and within the first few weeks, she said that she needed to discuss her feelings with her therapist. She is on some meds and sees a therapist. She also seems to have a lot of issues and baggage. She is mid 30s. DH and I think these are all bad signs and think brother should move on.

Would you think someone on meds and seeing a therapist regularly would be a red flag?

I feel like it should be all fun and good times in the beginning.

What does “fun and good times in the beginning” have to do with therapy and medication? Do you think people in therapy don’t have fun?

Unless brother has asked your opinion, you need to MYOB. What’s more concerning is how enmeshed you are - he’s telling you about her “baggage”, and you seem to think you’re the gatekeeper of who joins your family.

Has your brother actually stated he’s unhappy?

Just the act of being in therapy is not a red flag at all.

In fact, I think a divorced person who has not done at least some therapy before dating again is a potential red flag depending on circumstances.

Of course not. It depends what it is for. Maybe something happened to them that was not their fault and they want I move past guilt and shame and have less relationship baggage. Maybe the need help with self esteem and feeling worthy of love. Maybe they want someplace outside their relationship to process negative emotions. There are a million legitimate healthy reasons. It’s not necessarily bc that have major mental illness and even then they may in remission forever BECAUSE of therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are such backward simpletons, it's unbelievable.

It’s really not that unbelievable. We just don’t have as many insecurities and frailties as you do. You’re probably a mess.

Not at all. I only associate with women. Life is very un-messy.

Women are such backward simpletons. It’s unbelievable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are such backward simpletons, it's unbelievable.

It’s really not that unbelievable. We just don’t have as many insecurities and frailties as you do. You’re probably a mess.

Not at all. I only associate with women. Life is very un-messy.

Anonymous wrote:Brother starting dating a new girl and within the first few weeks, she said that she needed to discuss her feelings with her therapist. She is on some meds and sees a therapist. She also seems to have a lot of issues and baggage. She is mid 30s. DH and I think these are all bad signs and think brother should move on.

Would you think someone on meds and seeing a therapist regularly would be a red flag?

I feel like it should be all fun and good times in the beginning.

I think you are way too enmeshed in their relationship. Let go and let your brother live his own life. You sound very controlling, perhaps therapy and meds would help.

Anonymous wrote:Men are such backward simpletons, it's unbelievable.

It’s really not that unbelievable. We just don’t have as many insecurities and frailties as you do. You’re probably a mess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course. Mental illness is a disease like any other. But making a life with a sick person is harder than making a life with a healthy person.

Thing is so much of mental health doesn’t show up until later in a marriage because people mask it. OP’s brother’s GF isn’t, so maybe that is a positive. She is working on it before the marriage. Hard to know. Is she independent and functional?

You're seriously asking if she's "independent and functional"? I've been in therapy and on meds for thirty years. I also am a partner at my law firm, own two houses, am married with two kids, run marathons, have friends, etc.

Also, I should mention that "mental health" is not the same thing as "mental health problems" or "mental health issues".
It doesn't make sense to say "mental health doesn't show up until later".

You're very ignorant.

I think it was a very legitimate question. No need to make it personal or about you. It's great that you function so well. Has nothing to do with the subject person.

I think it's very weird, in 2021, to wonder if someone is independent and functional just because they see a therapist.

OP get a life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course. Mental illness is a disease like any other. But making a life with a sick person is harder than making a life with a healthy person.

Thing is so much of mental health doesn’t show up until later in a marriage because people mask it. OP’s brother’s GF isn’t, so maybe that is a positive. She is working on it before the marriage. Hard to know. Is she independent and functional?

You're seriously asking if she's "independent and functional"? I've been in therapy and on meds for thirty years. I also am a partner at my law firm, own two houses, am married with two kids, run marathons, have friends, etc.

Also, I should mention that "mental health" is not the same thing as "mental health problems" or "mental health issues".
It doesn't make sense to say "mental health doesn't show up until later".

You're very ignorant.

I think it was a very legitimate question. No need to make it personal or about you. It's great that you function so well. Has nothing to do with the subject person.