Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

This is life though. I won the writing prize in HS and my friend was devastated. I won a scholarship in college and someone else had to work to pay tuition. I won a fellowship to grad school and someone else took out loans.

That’s different from stealing an award or scholarship from someone who already won it.

Also, a man who is willing to lie and cheat someone on your behalf is not exactly a prize.

My best friends Dad is still with his affair partner. The affair devastated her high school years and still impacts her 30 years later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

This is life though. I won the writing prize in HS and my friend was devastated. I won a scholarship in college and someone else had to work to pay tuition. I won a fellowship to grad school and someone else took out loans.

That’s different from stealing an award or scholarship from someone who already won it.

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

This is life though. I won the writing prize in HS and my friend was devastated. I won a scholarship in college and someone else had to work to pay tuition. I won a fellowship to grad school and someone else took out loans.

Anonymous wrote:Subject says everything. I know we read about all the drama but has anyone had an affair and really fall in love? And end up happy?

My dad stayed with his AP for 20 years, but he cheated on her as well and was abusive. Eventually, she kicked him out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The ones who remarry IMMEDIATELY amaze me. I have an AP, we are planning a life together, and we are going to great lengths to cover our tracks. Yes it's definitely selfish, but it's also better for the kids' wellbeing to not have that extra bitterness infect their lives. These people who jump into a new marriage with no shame fascinate me. Do they think others will forget with time? Do they not realize they'll wear a scarlet letter for life? Do they realize it but don't care??

Wow you lack self-awareness. Do you think you are somehow better than the cheaters who rush into marriage? Also, let’s be real here - your concern is not that it’s better for your kids, it’s all about what’s best for you. The rest of your post and concern about others forgetting makes that abundantly clear. Your real motivator is you don’t want other people to know because you know what you are doing is sh!tty and you don’t want other people to look at you differently. That would force you to have to deal with your cognitive dissonance and you don’t want to have to self-reflect like that. What’s really fascinating is that you deign to be appalled by other cheaters while somehow not realizing you are worse.

NP but pp makes sense to me. I’ve never cheated or divorced but I can understand why cheaters would want to hide they cheated. Why bring all that extra drama into their lives/their kids lives?

They have already brought the drama into their kids' lives. Only a narcissist would believe the crap that pp posted, and only a narcissist would believe they are more clever than everyone else so that others will believe their lies and deceit, and a large number of cheaters are narcs so it's not a surprise. The kids will figure their bullcrap out but narc pp will gaslight.

I agree- the drama started with the cheating. The kids will figure it out one day no matter how long they wait. It takes a special kind of person to think she can outsmart the drama she started.

I personally think it is bad karma to build your own happiness on somebody else unhappiness…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so interesting. It kind of defies the statistics that say AP couples do not stay together. I guess there are times when they do.

The statistics is 2.5% so his does this “defy” the statistics?

This frequently mentioned 2% or 2.5% stat is laughable even if it is true. Assuming marriage is the goal, how many single people's sexual relationships end up in a marriage? Let's say if people on average have 10-20 sex partners before they get married, then the chance of a sexual relationship ending in a marriage is about 5-10%. So APs' chances of getting married are lower than a single person banging their BF/GF, but not that much worse.

Nobody intends to marry everybody they date. That’s the point. All the men having affairs never intended to marry all the women think it’s their soul mate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The ones who remarry IMMEDIATELY amaze me. I have an AP, we are planning a life together, and we are going to great lengths to cover our tracks. Yes it's definitely selfish, but it's also better for the kids' wellbeing to not have that extra bitterness infect their lives. These people who jump into a new marriage with no shame fascinate me. Do they think others will forget with time? Do they not realize they'll wear a scarlet letter for life? Do they realize it but don't care??

Wow you lack self-awareness. Do you think you are somehow better than the cheaters who rush into marriage? Also, let’s be real here - your concern is not that it’s better for your kids, it’s all about what’s best for you. The rest of your post and concern about others forgetting makes that abundantly clear. Your real motivator is you don’t want other people to know because you know what you are doing is sh!tty and you don’t want other people to look at you differently. That would force you to have to deal with your cognitive dissonance and you don’t want to have to self-reflect like that. What’s really fascinating is that you deign to be appalled by other cheaters while somehow not realizing you are worse.

NP but pp makes sense to me. I’ve never cheated or divorced but I can understand why cheaters would want to hide they cheated. Why bring all that extra drama into their lives/their kids lives?

They have already brought the drama into their kids' lives. Only a narcissist would believe the crap that pp posted, and only a narcissist would believe they are more clever than everyone else so that others will believe their lies and deceit, and a large number of cheaters are narcs so it's not a surprise. The kids will figure their bullcrap out but narc pp will gaslight.

I think this is a fairly common occurrence among:

-Men
-From previous generations
-Who leave when their kids are adults or at least in HS

Often they either felt pressured into the first marriage and no longer felt like making it work once the kids were mostly raised, or they had a midlife crisis. Then, being men who were accustomed to being taken care of, and by then in their 50s or so, they stuck with the AP, whether truly happy or not, for the... well, ultimately the eldercare.

That sounds cynical AF, but if you comb through the responses here, you see that describes a lot of those listed.

The one that came immediately to my mind was in that category-- DH's BFF's father. He was born in the early 1940s, married in the late 1960s. He had 4 kids and left the family for his AP when the oldest was 27 and the youngest was 17. He was about 57 when he left-- the AP was in her 40s. He's been with his AP for ~23 years now. I imagine he'll stay-- he's 80 now.

Anonymous wrote:

The ones who remarry IMMEDIATELY amaze me. I have an AP, we are planning a life together, and we are going to great lengths to cover our tracks. Yes it's definitely selfish, but it's also better for the kids' wellbeing to not have that extra bitterness infect their lives. These people who jump into a new marriage with no shame fascinate me. Do they think others will forget with time? Do they not realize they'll wear a scarlet letter for life? Do they realize it but don't care??

Wow you lack self-awareness. Do you think you are somehow better than the cheaters who rush into marriage? Also, let’s be real here - your concern is not that it’s better for your kids, it’s all about what’s best for you. The rest of your post and concern about others forgetting makes that abundantly clear. Your real motivator is you don’t want other people to know because you know what you are doing is sh!tty and you don’t want other people to look at you differently. That would force you to have to deal with your cognitive dissonance and you don’t want to have to self-reflect like that. What’s really fascinating is that you deign to be appalled by other cheaters while somehow not realizing you are worse.

NP but pp makes sense to me. I’ve never cheated or divorced but I can understand why cheaters would want to hide they cheated. Why bring all that extra drama into their lives/their kids lives?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so interesting. It kind of defies the statistics that say AP couples do not stay together. I guess there are times when they do.

The statistics is 2.5% so his does this “defy” the statistics?

This frequently mentioned 2% or 2.5% stat is laughable even if it is true. Assuming marriage is the goal, how many single people's sexual relationships end up in a marriage? Let's say if people on average have 10-20 sex partners before they get married, then the chance of a sexual relationship ending in a marriage is about 5-10%. So APs' chances of getting married are lower than a single person banging their BF/GF, but not that much worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The ones who remarry IMMEDIATELY amaze me. I have an AP, we are planning a life together, and we are going to great lengths to cover our tracks. Yes it's definitely selfish, but it's also better for the kids' wellbeing to not have that extra bitterness infect their lives. These people who jump into a new marriage with no shame fascinate me. Do they think others will forget with time? Do they not realize they'll wear a scarlet letter for life? Do they realize it but don't care??

Wow you lack self-awareness. Do you think you are somehow better than the cheaters who rush into marriage? Also, let’s be real here - your concern is not that it’s better for your kids, it’s all about what’s best for you. The rest of your post and concern about others forgetting makes that abundantly clear. Your real motivator is you don’t want other people to know because you know what you are doing is sh!tty and you don’t want other people to look at you differently. That would force you to have to deal with your cognitive dissonance and you don’t want to have to self-reflect like that. What’s really fascinating is that you deign to be appalled by other cheaters while somehow not realizing you are worse.

I mean, everything I wrote is consistent. Correct I don't want people to know. But also correct it's better for the kids' psyches that they don't know. And also correct that there are levels of audacity. So yes I do think I'm better and smarter than someone who remarries instantly. You're the one with cognitive dissonance. You can't process that a cheater can make wise decisions.

Lol. Narcissists are entertaining as all heck!

Anonymous wrote:

The ones who remarry IMMEDIATELY amaze me. I have an AP, we are planning a life together, and we are going to great lengths to cover our tracks. Yes it's definitely selfish, but it's also better for the kids' wellbeing to not have that extra bitterness infect their lives. These people who jump into a new marriage with no shame fascinate me. Do they think others will forget with time? Do they not realize they'll wear a scarlet letter for life? Do they realize it but don't care??

Wow you lack self-awareness. Do you think you are somehow better than the cheaters who rush into marriage? Also, let’s be real here - your concern is not that it’s better for your kids, it’s all about what’s best for you. The rest of your post and concern about others forgetting makes that abundantly clear. Your real motivator is you don’t want other people to know because you know what you are doing is sh!tty and you don’t want other people to look at you differently. That would force you to have to deal with your cognitive dissonance and you don’t want to have to self-reflect like that. What’s really fascinating is that you deign to be appalled by other cheaters while somehow not realizing you are worse.

I mean, everything I wrote is consistent. Correct I don't want people to know. But also correct it's better for the kids' psyches that they don't know. And also correct that there are levels of audacity. So yes I do think I'm better and smarter than someone who remarries instantly. You're the one with cognitive dissonance. You can't process that a cheater can make wise decisions.

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather! Married the woman he cheated on my grandmother with. They were married 30+ years until his death.

My grandfather too! Except he cheated on his fiance with my grandmother, then left the fiance and proposed.

Also 2 friends from college where their dads were married to OW from affairs.