Anonymous wrote:OP, the issue isn’t whether you need a nanny. The issue is that your husband disagrees and is just going to walk out of tbe house an leave you holding the bag.

You have to let him know the nanny is non-negotiable. He can have a role in helping to hire one or not.

Your career is important too and it is critical you be allowed to do your job unencumbered by a second shift of child raising. You kid also deserves more - someone who can meet his/her needs immediately instead of distracting until a meeting is finished. Your kid deserves someone who is fully interacting with them and talking to them during awake hours, taking them for walks, etc. because that is how they learn and develop physically. Does your husband want your kid to have a less rich (in the experiential sense not the financial sense) childhood?

+1

OP if you keep waiting around for him to be on board, you are making his desires paramount. That is a really unhealthy dynamic in marriage and will lead to him lacking respect for you and yo your being resentful. You can be really kind and understanding and make clear that it’s non-negotiable. I get that this is an important decision that shouldn’t be made unilaterally but working without childcare is untenable.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First, my husband is not a bad man. He has his shortfalls but he’s a great husband and father. He’s super conscious with having a baby and doesn’t like the idea of having someone in our home when we can’t be sure if they’re following proper guidelines to ensure the safety of all of us. He’s not controlling or anything like some of you posters have tried to make him out to be.

I want to hire a nanny but his decision is important. I would be upset if he hired someone and I didn’t get to approve. It’s not like I’m hiring a housekeeper - this woman will be taking care of our child. He has every right to have a say and meet the person who will be watching our son.

He thinks it’s easy now because our son is a very good sleeper and has been since he was born. He’s already sleeping 11 hours at night and naps 5 hours out of the day. This will change as he gets older.

Sure, his input is “important” — but to insist you do this is ultimately controlling. Most people would get fired if their employer found out they were caring for a baby while working from home. And ultimately, I would never, ever agree to this. He is suggesting that your work isn’t important. Presumably you don’t agree or you would be discussing being a SAHM.

First, I would decide whether you want to work or not. I would never have quit work so my conversation would have been:

“I absolutely cannot work and take care of a kid at the same time. So, are you quitting work or are we hiring a nanny?” And then I would listen.

If he keeps saying, the baby sleeps all the time, I would reiterate “I cannot work and take care of a baby. What do you prefer — a nanny or you quit work?”

If he kept saying it would be fine, I would say “you have a couple of days to think this through. Let’s discuss again on Sunday.”

On Sunday, if he didn’t come around, I would say “listen, you are asking me to do something that is unacceptable to me. Your intransigence on this subject is going to jeopardize our marital happiness. I love you and want to stay married. I need you to hear me and come up with a new plan.”

And finally, I would say “it sounds like you are not quitting your job. I am going to start interviewing nannies next week.” And then I would do that.

*quit

If your hired a nanny to care for your kid, would you be OK if she also had another FT job that she was always on call for?

No. Taking care of a kid is a full time job. Hire a nanny or quite -- those are the only options.

OP here. First, my husband is not a bad man. He has his shortfalls but he’s a great husband and father. He’s super conscious with having a baby and doesn’t like the idea of having someone in our home when we can’t be sure if they’re following proper guidelines to ensure the safety of all of us. He’s not controlling or anything like some of you posters have tried to make him out to be.

I want to hire a nanny but his decision is important. I would be upset if he hired someone and I didn’t get to approve. It’s not like I’m hiring a housekeeper - this woman will be taking care of our child. He has every right to have a say and meet the person who will be watching our son.

He thinks it’s easy now because our son is a very good sleeper and has been since he was born. He’s already sleeping 11 hours at night and naps 5 hours out of the day. This will change as he gets older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for the delay in reply.

I do have an easy baby. He is 3.5 months old and sleep trained. He takes 3 solid naps during the day while I work, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. He loves to be held and loves interaction. He is not a baby who is content laying on the play gym for an hour. I try to make breaks so I can interact with him but it can be tough. I can't take calls while he is playing. I bottled feed and I can’t just pop him on the breasts when he’s hungry. He is on a routine and eats every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression might hit and I would rather have someone here to help.

I have an unpredictable job and I’m expected to be on-call at all times. I can’t tell them I need time because I have to care for my baby. I work 3 days ( 8 hours) right now but will be going back FT in 1.5 weeks.

My husband has taken care of the baby on his own many times. He took off a week the first week I was back at work so he doesn't think it’s that hard. I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic. We can afford a nanny and I prefer to keep him on his routine and in the home where I know he is safe and I can see him throughout the day.

You say you need help, but you’ve shot down the idea of a nanny and daycare. What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?

OP literally said she wants a nanny since she doesn’t want to do daycare.

So she’s needs to get one. Does she need to ask ol’ boy for permission? Or is she asking us?

You’re condescending and annoying.

^call him

When my little one was 10 months old I used to call home The Hurricane. He would rip through a room tearing things of shelves and throwing toys on the ground.
What's the plan when your child gets to that stage?

Men and women parent differently, op. I’d get over my husband’s approval real quick if he didn’t think I needed something I told him I needed. He is there to love and support me, not put me in a position where I need to justify my experiences and needs.

Your husband sounds like the sort of guy who wouldn’t approve of anybody, they don’t have enough experience, they’re too young,, they’re too old, he doesn’t like the shirt they were wearing to the interview, I can guarantee you there will be a reason why he doesn’t approve of anybody.

If it were me, I’d quit my job. I wouldn’t want to fight with a husband about this issue. More importantly, I wouldn’t want to be on call for work. That will become less tenable as your kid gets older. We have 3, and we are out of the hard labor phase. We were dancing around to Y.M.C.A this morning and then I put on songs from when I was my kids’ ages. I’d not have wanted to interrupt that to respond to random work stuff. This weekend, we are looking forward to a pumpkin patch, and I’m probably the one who’s the most excited.

Working on a schedule is fine, everybody needs to do that, but on-call? I simply wouldn’t put myself in that position.

Your post is an example of what my dad told me once “women will do things men would never agree to, men demand what they need to be successful at what they are doing, women would be much better off if they did the same”.

Tell your husband you are hiring help or that you are quitting work. He doesn’t get the benefits of a stay at home mom and a mom who works.

OP, the issue isn’t whether you need a nanny. The issue is that your husband disagrees and is just going to walk out of tbe house an leave you holding the bag.

You have to let him know the nanny is non-negotiable. He can have a role in helping to hire one or not.

Your career is important too and it is critical you be allowed to do your job unencumbered by a second shift of child raising. You kid also deserves more - someone who can meet his/her needs immediately instead of distracting until a meeting is finished. Your kid deserves someone who is fully interacting with them and talking to them during awake hours, taking them for walks, etc. because that is how they learn and develop physically. Does your husband want your kid to have a less rich (in the experiential sense not the financial sense) childhood?

The OP stated that her DH took a week off and cared for the baby during her first week back to work. Of course it is doable when YOU TAKE THE WEEK OFF! OTOH, you will be working. Get help or quit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for the delay in reply.

I do have an easy baby. He is 3.5 months old and sleep trained. He takes 3 solid naps during the day while I work, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. He loves to be held and loves interaction. He is not a baby who is content laying on the play gym for an hour. I try to make breaks so I can interact with him but it can be tough. I can't take calls while he is playing. I bottled feed and I can’t just pop him on the breasts when he’s hungry. He is on a routine and eats every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression might hit and I would rather have someone here to help.

I have an unpredictable job and I’m expected to be on-call at all times. I can’t tell them I need time because I have to care for my baby. I work 3 days ( 8 hours) right now but will be going back FT in 1.5 weeks.

My husband has taken care of the baby on his own many times. He took off a week the first week I was back at work so he doesn't think it’s that hard. I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic. We can afford a nanny and I prefer to keep him on his routine and in the home where I know he is safe and I can see him throughout the day.

You say you need help, but you’ve shot down the idea of a nanny and daycare. What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?

OP literally said she wants a nanny since she doesn’t want to do daycare.

So she’s needs to get one. Does she need to ask ol’ boy for permission? Or is she asking us?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations, OP. You married a completely selfish and insane man. Seemingly, you two never had any discussions or communication over what it would actually be like when a helpless infant showed up at your house.

Does DH have any good qualities whatsoever? Are his genes at least pretty good?

Well they can afford a nanny so I guess he makes good money? Why not just quit?

Some women don’t want to stay home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for the delay in reply.

I do have an easy baby. He is 3.5 months old and sleep trained. He takes 3 solid naps during the day while I work, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. He loves to be held and loves interaction. He is not a baby who is content laying on the play gym for an hour. I try to make breaks so I can interact with him but it can be tough. I can't take calls while he is playing. I bottled feed and I can’t just pop him on the breasts when he’s hungry. He is on a routine and eats every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression might hit and I would rather have someone here to help.

I have an unpredictable job and I’m expected to be on-call at all times. I can’t tell them I need time because I have to care for my baby. I work 3 days ( 8 hours) right now but will be going back FT in 1.5 weeks.

My husband has taken care of the baby on his own many times. He took off a week the first week I was back at work so he doesn't think it’s that hard. I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic. We can afford a nanny and I prefer to keep him on his routine and in the home where I know he is safe and I can see him throughout the day.

You say you need help, but you’ve shot down the idea of a nanny and daycare. What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?

OP literally said she wants a nanny since she doesn’t want to do daycare.