Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the last post- his ex wife and him divorced when the kid was 3 months. The mother didn't want to move to the US. She didn't let him see the kid for 3 years. The relationship has mostly centered around cash so he had said to me he felt robbed of being a father. And all he wanted was to be a good dad. I guess I stupidly believed him definitely my mistake. But I don't regret my daughter. She is just amazing!!
For the last 8 months I have struggled with a full time job and looking after her myself. I work from home for now.
Did i make a mistake in choosing a partner yes - that is my fault

he wants to be a good dad, and felt robbed of being a father, but up thread you said he doesn't spend much time with your child because she's too you. That's contradictory. He seems to be repeating not spending time with his daughter: one was forced, the other is voluntary.

Your DH sucks. Sorry.

Yup. The mortgage is his excuse for not financially supporting your daughter. But what is his excuse for not spending time with her?

Blaming the other daughter is a great way for him to shirk his responsibilities toward the wife and second child. He can deflect the wife’s anger toward the absent teen.

Don’t have kids with a guy who is perfectly fine living on a different continent from his other kids and expect that he will be anything other than a shit father.

Anonymous wrote:To the last post- his ex wife and him divorced when the kid was 3 months. The mother didn't want to move to the US. She didn't let him see the kid for 3 years. The relationship has mostly centered around cash so he had said to me he felt robbed of being a father. And all he wanted was to be a good dad. I guess I stupidly believed him definitely my mistake. But I don't regret my daughter. She is just amazing!!
For the last 8 months I have struggled with a full time job and looking after her myself. I work from home for now.
Did i make a mistake in choosing a partner yes - that is my fault

he wants to be a good dad, and felt robbed of being a father, but up thread you said he doesn't spend much time with your child because she's too you. That's contradictory. He seems to be repeating not spending time with his daughter: one was forced, the other is voluntary.

Your DH sucks. Sorry.

I agree with some of the pps that you need to sit down and talk about how much your expenses are. I mean actual expenses, not extra stuff he spends on his daughter. Mortgage, child care, utilities, stuff for your daughter, home maintenance, vehicles.. Then you can see if him paying the mortgage is fair or not. You can also decide whether his child support obligation (not the extras) should be a household expense or a personal expense. Some couples split bills by a percentage of earnings, some split down the middle, and others each pay different bills. You need to find what works for you so that you don't feel resentful.

My husband and I have separate accounts for our own personal spending but have joint accounts for our emergency fund and to pay our monthly bills for our house, vehicles and kids. We contribute equally to the joint account but I pay for our health insurance through a payroll deduction and he pays into our kids' 529 college savings monthly. It pretty much equals out. That way we can spend our personal money freely. Also, I do most of the buying for our kids - clothes, activity fees...etc and I started to feel resentful that I shouldered all that so we talked and got a joint credit card so I can easily charge those purchases and we include paying it off each month as part of our bills.

The biggest thing is finding a method that you both feel comfortable with, whatever that is.

The other daughter is just an excuse he uses to cover up his selfish stinginess. When he is no longer compelled to support her he will give you some other explanation for his refusal to treat you and your DD with the natural generosity of a husband and father not in financial trouble.

You and your husband need to sit down and make a list of all of your expenses and jointly determine which are joint obligations and which are individual obligations.

You need to split the joint obligations in proportion to your incomes. The condo and the child support are joint expenses that you took on when you married him. Groceries and baby clothes and daycare are joint expenses.

If he wants to buy gifts for his daughter, that comes out of his individual “fun money”, same as it would if you want to buy fancy outfits or extra things for your baby.

If you can’t talk this out and have a better sense of how the income to your household is spent each month, this marriage won’t last.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

OP, there is no way to answer that question without knowing more facts. For example, if my mortgage is $3,000 and my childcare is $3,000 a month and my husband and I decided that I would pay one and he would pay the other, then what's the problem?

But you're talking about a mortgage payment on a condo you don't live in, correct? So who lives there?

NO MA'M. Mortgage is a payment towards a joint ASSET. Dissolution of the marriage requires you split that. Childcare is a COST. You can pay 1500 toward each but not 3000 towards one or the other with separate accounts.

Anonymous wrote:To the last post- his ex wife and him divorced when the kid was 3 months. The mother didn't want to move to the US. She didn't let him see the kid for 3 years. The relationship has mostly centered around cash so he had said to me he felt robbed of being a father. And all he wanted was to be a good dad. I guess I stupidly believed him definitely my mistake. But I don't regret my daughter. She is just amazing!!
For the last 8 months I have struggled with a full time job and looking after her myself. I work from home for now.
Did i make a mistake in choosing a partner yes - that is my fault

His other child has nothing to do with your child.

If there is childcare required, he should pay half or a percentage. His only obligation to you and your child isnt housing- which from my understanding you split?
Toys, food, clothing, etc are all split. Who pays utilities?

Anonymous wrote:So you are paying for everything relating to your married life as a couple, housing and child and food, and he’s paying for a condo and his daughter from his first marriage? You’re wildly unclear.

The way details are dribbled out and questions are half-answered through this thread is both confusing and irritating.

Anonymous wrote:One is a condo which he owns bought before me. Second is a home we purchased together.
He doesn't spend much time with my daughter. Says when she is older then it will be his time to shine .

It seems like you are focusing on the money when the real problem is this.

So you are paying for everything relating to your married life as a couple, housing and child and food, and he’s paying for a condo and his daughter from his first marriage? You’re wildly unclear.

He wants to keep the condo for his mom as she may move to D.C
So it's vacant and ofcourse I would not ask her to pay towards anything. She wants to be closer to the baby as she hasn't had a relationship with the other child. ( She can't do childcare, we tried this option and it failed) she is a fantastic grandmother but can't look after the baby all day.
Right now my entire paycheck goes to childcare, groceries and all baby related things plus towards finishing the renovation.

This is really confusing. Do you, your husband and infant daughter live together in the new construction house?

Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper

OP, there is no way to answer that question without knowing more facts. For example, if my mortgage is $3,000 and my childcare is $3,000 a month and my husband and I decided that I would pay one and he would pay the other, then what's the problem?

But you're talking about a mortgage payment on a condo you don't live in, correct? So who lives there?