Anonymous
10/12/2021 21:54
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
I think the opposite. The affair has nothing to do with the marriage. It only has something to do with unresolved issues in the cheater. Like cheating because your wife is caring fir a sick parent and you feel neglected.
These marriages don’t survive because there is nothing to fix in the marriage and most cheaters have to blame the marriage due to their ego,
They break up and the hood spouse just moved on to a quiet drama free life.
I’m the PP who left her xH for AP. I think it’s often a combination of both. Our marriage was absolutely awful, and I felt very alone and abandoned. But, I had my own issues, where I couldn’t stand up for myself, and I had let the controlling behavior go on so long that it was impossible to stop it. In retrospect, we never should have married, or I should have divorced long before the affair.
But for sure, it was nothing like caring for a sick parent. I would have been 100% with my H if that was the issue.
I’m not sure what a hood spouse is, but if you mean my xH, he hasn’t gone on to life a drama free life. Quite the opposite, he starts lots of drama. But that’s another story….
Typo (good spouse)
Anyway…. I don’t think you really see this in yourself because you had/have issues.
None of what you wrote caused the affair, your issues did.
If you didn’t have the issues you could have left without the affair. But whatever helps you sleep at night, too bad you missed the opportunity to grow.
Not sure what you mean. I said that in retrospect, I should have left years earlier. But at the time it seemed impossible to do, for various reasons.
Either way, end result is the same. We’re divorced. I’m remarried and very happy. XH is bitter and petty, but would have been that way no matter when or how I left.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 21:29
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
I think the opposite. The affair has nothing to do with the marriage. It only has something to do with unresolved issues in the cheater. Like cheating because your wife is caring fir a sick parent and you feel neglected.
These marriages don’t survive because there is nothing to fix in the marriage and most cheaters have to blame the marriage due to their ego,
They break up and the hood spouse just moved on to a quiet drama free life.
I’m the PP who left her xH for AP. I think it’s often a combination of both. Our marriage was absolutely awful, and I felt very alone and abandoned. But, I had my own issues, where I couldn’t stand up for myself, and I had let the controlling behavior go on so long that it was impossible to stop it. In retrospect, we never should have married, or I should have divorced long before the affair.
But for sure, it was nothing like caring for a sick parent. I would have been 100% with my H if that was the issue.
I’m not sure what a hood spouse is, but if you mean my xH, he hasn’t gone on to life a drama free life. Quite the opposite, he starts lots of drama. But that’s another story….
Typo (good spouse)
Anyway…. I don’t think you really see this in yourself because you had/have issues.
None of what you wrote caused the affair, your issues did.
If you didn’t have the issues you could have left without the affair. But whatever helps you sleep at night, too bad you missed the opportunity to grow.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 21:23
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
I think the opposite. The affair has nothing to do with the marriage. It only has something to do with unresolved issues in the cheater. Like cheating because your wife is caring fir a sick parent and you feel neglected.
These marriages don’t survive because there is nothing to fix in the marriage and most cheaters have to blame the marriage due to their ego,
They break up and the hood spouse just moved on to a quiet drama free life.
I’m the PP who left her xH for AP. I think it’s often a combination of both. Our marriage was absolutely awful, and I felt very alone and abandoned. But, I had my own issues, where I couldn’t stand up for myself, and I had let the controlling behavior go on so long that it was impossible to stop it. In retrospect, we never should have married, or I should have divorced long before the affair.
But for sure, it was nothing like caring for a sick parent. I would have been 100% with my H if that was the issue.
I’m not sure what a hood spouse is, but if you mean my xH, he hasn’t gone on to life a drama free life. Quite the opposite, he starts lots of drama. But that’s another story….
Anonymous
10/12/2021 20:52
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
Concur. Neglect of all kinds can and will lead to affairs.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 19:29
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow that's amazing OP and PP who were able to see something in art and better understand yourself.
I also one day had an epiphany that, however justified I was in being annoyed with my husband (who doesn't even understand what "emotional labor" means, much less how much he shoves off on me) I was letting irritation and resentment swallow up all my joy. And I just... let it go.
Same here but along with “letting it go” I no longer have respect or attraction for my spouse . But I am certainly happier with zero expectations from them! For anything!! It’s working for now, have kids at home and in k-12. Not sure what I’ll decide once they leave.
Sounds like you didn't let it go.
How so? I don't ACCEPT my Do Nothing spouse's role, but I no longer EXPECT anything from them. Thus I'm detached and not constantly disappointed or let down. I'm happy. THey probably think everything is normal and great - despite the fact that they don't talk with use, relate to use or know WTF is ever going on.
Sure I'd be happy with a functional spouse, parent, homeowner around and someone to talk with on a variety of things, but I now get that from my friends and family and due to the children I am stuck in this arrangement (due to having had children). I've already mourned and grieved my lack of a spouse/parent of the children, but I don't spend energy on it any longer. Is that not "letting go"
Divorcing and coparenting with them would be the same or worse, especially for the children. for them it could be downright dangerous.
I don't think you can both be so bitter about it all and have let it go, at least not like the PP you responded to. She let it go and it opened her up to appreciate what is worth appreciating. If there is truly nothing there to appreciate at all, then you should really get a divorce.
And then you have the custody battles with the Do Nothing narc for years and years.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 19:28
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
I think the opposite. The affair has nothing to do with the marriage. It only has something to do with unresolved issues in the cheater. Like cheating because your wife is caring fir a sick parent and you feel neglected.
These marriages don’t survive because there is nothing to fix in the marriage and most cheaters have to blame the marriage due to their ego,
They break up and the hood spouse just moved on to a quiet drama free life.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 18:39
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
PP here—I completely agree.
When it was truly great and there was infidelity the pain is unreal and it is a Herculean effort for many years to work through that mess. Agree it can be done, but the more you trusted, loved and were blindsided (vs not really liking your spouse) the harder it is.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 18:19
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
PP here—I completely agree.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 18:18
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
I think this is true far more often than not. The affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. If the marriage was truly great and the infidelity was a mistake, most couples work through it
Anonymous
10/12/2021 18:14
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:I haven’t seen the show, so I can’t comment on that. But an affair is what led me to leave my horrible xH, so I could be with my AP instead. We’re still going strong and I have no regrets. Even if we split up, I wouldn’t regret it.
I am sad for my DC, because my parents divorced and that’s not the childhood I wanted for them. But things are a million times better for us all now that we’re not in a house full of constant stress and tension. DC and new H are best friends, DC has more in common with H than with their dad.
Have not seen the show. Was not in your situation but it amazes me that people do not understand that sometimes marriages are really bad and in those cases…there is no aftermath of adultery. The marriage was already horrible. I used to wish my ex husband would have an affair to give me a socially acceptable reason to leave. Eventually I divorced after many years. But if there had been an affair, it would not have mattered whatsoever.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 17:48
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with young kids and I don’t really feel like the OP.
I'll take misplaced modifiers for 1000, Alex.
I know I know but I hit enter too soon
Hey, we all need the laughs when we can get them!
Anonymous
10/12/2021 17:16
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with young kids and I don’t really feel like the OP.
I'll take misplaced modifiers for 1000, Alex.
I know I know but I hit enter too soon
Anonymous
10/12/2021 17:13
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with young kids and I don’t really feel like the OP.
I'll take misplaced modifiers for 1000, Alex.
Like when new parents ask me "when do you have sex with a baby?" OMG, LARLO, YOU DONT!
Anonymous
10/12/2021 17:04
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with young kids and I don’t really feel like the OP.
I'll take misplaced modifiers for 1000, Alex.
Anonymous
10/12/2021 16:47
Subject: Scenes From a Marriage- I was Mira
Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with young kids and I don’t really feel like the OP.
I'll take misplaced modifiers for 1000, Alex.