Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I had absolutely nothing to do with his affair, nor did our marriage. He never once blamed me. He has repeated to his therapists it was all what was inside of him, his emptiness. It was just an escape, not love blah blah.

It doesn’t matter to me the reasons. The fact he was capable of doing something so dishonest, dangerous and that would hurt me so much is not something I can get over. I have not been able to make that jump because I would never ever do something like that. And, yes, I had a great childhood and he had a very traumatic one but I still can’t reconcile that in my head, no matter how hard I try and how much therapy work he’s done and how much he has changed.

If you want my two cents, it's not something that you should feel obligated to get other, either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Not OP, but anal sex carries more risk for disease transmission because of the higher likelihood of micro tearing/blood. I’d take issue with this whether it was with a man or woman

How about if it was the occasional random oral hookup at the gym with another married guy, no anal involved?

If my husband had gay sex. It’s over. I married a heterosexual. So yeah a guy having sex with guys—no way in hell.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you, OP, but don't think that the "majority opinion" on DCUM actually comes from hundreds of real-life individuals. I suspect there are a handful of obsessed posters on the Relationship Forum who will drown out any opinion other than "cheaters are scum and deserve to rot in hell" and "cheating is the worst thing ever (because I lived such a sheltered life I haven't lived anything more traumatic)". I can't relate at all, and I think a good part of the married population can't either

Anonymous wrote:I know I had absolutely nothing to do with his affair, nor did our marriage. He never once blamed me. He has repeated to his therapists it was all what was inside of him, his emptiness. It was just an escape, not love blah blah.

It doesn’t matter to me the reasons. The fact he was capable of doing something so dishonest, dangerous and that would hurt me so much is not something I can get over. I have not been able to make that jump because I would never ever do something like that. And, yes, I had a great childhood and he had a very traumatic one but I still can’t reconcile that in my head, no matter how hard I try and how much therapy work he’s done and how much he has changed.

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has gone through it, I believe this as well. Cheating is bad, but so are a lot of other things. I think most betrayed partners don’t realize that the cheating doesn’t have anything to do with them. Sexless married guy will chime in that happily married and well sexed men don’t cheat. That’s BS.

In my case, and that of my friends, our spouses cheated because they were broke inside - midlife crisis, addicts, childhood trauma, too much stress, low self-esteem, etc. The cheating was a manifestation of the problems of the cheater. The betrayed spouse wasn’t to blame or the cause.

Once you can bifurcate the pain that you feel as a result of the betrayal from the underlying cause, then you can accept the cheating for what it is - a spouse not being able to deal with their underlying issues. It could have just as easily have been gambling, a new sports car, drinking, partying, workaholic, or extreme exercise. It’s a way to escape from the bad feelings caused by the issues. Love and new sex energy are a drug, and the high they produce make you feel good when you’re normally feeling bad.

My cheating spouse got help and has changed his life. I was crushed after I found out. Once I was able to heal and see things without the cloud of pain hanging over me, I know I had nothing to do with his cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Not OP, but anal sex carries more risk for disease transmission because of the higher likelihood of micro tearing/blood. I’d take issue with this whether it was with a man or woman

How about if it was the occasional random oral hookup at the gym with another married guy, no anal involved?

Anonymous wrote:I care a lot less after 16 years of marriage. I wonder if people who get wound up over cheating are still in the new and passionate phase? I would have been far more hurt then. Now, I kinda get it.

Anonymous wrote:If my husband cheated (ONS) less once every couple yrs while on business, I don’t want to know and don’t really care.

If is/was having a long term affair that was taking money, time, resources from our family, I’d end the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you okay if your H is having sex with men?

Not OP, but anal sex carries more risk for disease transmission because of the higher likelihood of micro tearing/blood. I’d take issue with this whether it was with a man or woman

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has gone through it, I believe this as well. Cheating is bad, but so are a lot of other things. I think most betrayed partners don’t realize that the cheating doesn’t have anything to do with them. Sexless married guy will chime in that happily married and well sexed men don’t cheat. That’s BS.

In my case, and that of my friends, our spouses cheated because they were broke inside - midlife crisis, addicts, childhood trauma, too much stress, low self-esteem, etc. The cheating was a manifestation of the problems of the cheater. The betrayed spouse wasn’t to blame or the cause.

Once you can bifurcate the pain that you feel as a result of the betrayal from the underlying cause, then you can accept the cheating for what it is - a spouse not being able to deal with their underlying issues. It could have just as easily have been gambling, a new sports car, drinking, partying, workaholic, or extreme exercise. It’s a way to escape from the bad feelings caused by the issues. Love and new sex energy are a drug, and the high they produce make you feel good when you’re normally feeling bad.

My cheating spouse got help and has changed his life. I was crushed after I found out. Once I was able to heal and see things without the cloud of pain hanging over me, I know I had nothing to do with his cheating.