What have you tried besides berry picking? That’s not a very good activity for older people, so maybe that isn’t as indicative as you think.

Anonymous wrote:It's about control and/or insecurity about not feeling needed by anyone.

The "feeling needed" is really helpful. Thanks.
I do suspect that as she is getting older she fears she is losing relevance. She does not follow the news, read or have any hobbies, so it is difficult to have much of a conversation with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We HAVE TO eat everything?”

Come on, OP. You’re a grown-ass adult. You don’t “have to” eat anything. Point blank period.

“No, thank you; I don’t want that tonight.”

“No, Timmy and Janie don’t have to have that. They’re fine with soup and salad.”

Be an adult. Be a parent. Be accountable for your own damn choices. Stop being a mealy-mouthed ninny. I have zero respect for hapless, whining adults.

Don’t want MIL to tell you what to eat? Then don’t let MIL tell you what to eat, or when, or how much. It IS that simple.

I didn't actually ask for advise on what I should do. I asked for insights on why she might be behaving that way. Thanks anyway though.

Maybe I’ll start a new thread asking why an adult would allow another adult to “make her” eat something.

If you're comfortable openly being a biotch, go ahead.

Your wish is my command: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/0/1001266.page#20854107

Hope you found your answer - there are some good explanations in the thread about family dynamics and the difficulties associated with setting boundaries. You said you have no patience for posts like these, but it seems you have quite a bit of both patience and time. Good for you.

It's about control and/or insecurity about not feeling needed by anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We HAVE TO eat everything?”

Come on, OP. You’re a grown-ass adult. You don’t “have to” eat anything. Point blank period.

“No, thank you; I don’t want that tonight.”

“No, Timmy and Janie don’t have to have that. They’re fine with soup and salad.”

Be an adult. Be a parent. Be accountable for your own damn choices. Stop being a mealy-mouthed ninny. I have zero respect for hapless, whining adults.

Don’t want MIL to tell you what to eat? Then don’t let MIL tell you what to eat, or when, or how much. It IS that simple.

I didn't actually ask for advise on what I should do. I asked for insights on why she might be behaving that way. Thanks anyway though.

Maybe I’ll start a new thread asking why an adult would allow another adult to “make her” eat something.

If you're comfortable openly being a biotch, go ahead.

Your wish is my command: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/0/1001266.page#20854107

When you said nearby, I thought you meant 10-20 minutes. Driving almost an hour and a half each week would be a little much for me. And as DD gets older and involved in more activities that may involve weekends, it's going to get harder.

But as you're looking for insight rather than advise, I think it might be a combination of self-worth and control, with a little obsessive-compulsiveness thrown in. My MIL has gradually (and grudgingly) stopped insisting that we and the grown kids come to her house all the time. But she absolutely is controlling about the food. And it's all about how much work she put into it. If we don't take something, she'll spoon it on our plate anyway. Constantly, have some of this, have some of that. Don't you want this?
Talks about what she she shopped for Monday, what she prepped Tuesday, what she cooked ahead Thursday, how she did it, how long it took. The thing is, at this age, it's not going to stop. The only thing you can do is find how to handle it best. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We HAVE TO eat everything?”

Come on, OP. You’re a grown-ass adult. You don’t “have to” eat anything. Point blank period.

“No, thank you; I don’t want that tonight.”

“No, Timmy and Janie don’t have to have that. They’re fine with soup and salad.”

Be an adult. Be a parent. Be accountable for your own damn choices. Stop being a mealy-mouthed ninny. I have zero respect for hapless, whining adults.

Don’t want MIL to tell you what to eat? Then don’t let MIL tell you what to eat, or when, or how much. It IS that simple.

I didn't actually ask for advise on what I should do. I asked for insights on why she might be behaving that way. Thanks anyway though.

Maybe I’ll start a new thread asking why an adult would allow another adult to “make her” eat something.

If you're comfortable openly being a biotch, go ahead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is her main activity and she makes the prep for it last all week.

OP here. That does compute. She does not have other hobbies or interests.

NP with a different theory: could she have agoraphobia and or anxiety?

Might she only be “comfortable” in her own house?

I recognize the cancellations for outside activities and also the extreme fussiness, hyper focus (and uneasiness) with everyone while in her house.

- recovered agoraphobic

That's an interesting insight. At the very least, I do there there could be anxiety involved. I don't know much about agoraphobia, but I'll research it and see if anything adds up. Thanks.

OP, if she is hanging out at friends houses I don’t think this it is. I think the food is her love language and her way to contribute is the key. I just visited my parents, who I have not seen in 18 months due to COVID. Two separate nights I planned to cook dinner ( I am not a cook, but I have a few dishes and was happy to cook for them). Do you think my Mom let me make an entire meal myself (I’m in my 40s). No way, she HAD to also make..this..and that.. and a ham..and rice and peas. Were my feelings hurt, yes. Did I say anything to her..no. And yes, my food is tasty as reviewed by many friends and my picky sister.

Women of that generation are often still in the mindset that they need to host sunday dinners and going out is somehow embarrassing and failing at their duties as a woman.

Women of that generation are also obsessed with food intake and weight--theirs and other people's.

This was basically my mom. In her case, yes, it's a combination of cooking being her main love language, having lived through a major famine in her youth, and her needing control. She didn't like going out to eat because she thought 99% of restaurants served subpar food with questionable hygiene. So even if we did manage to persuade her to go out to eat with us, it was usually accompanied by lots of criticism and complaining on her part.

She would spend days thinking about a menu, then many hours shopping and prepping. She was an excellent cook, though, and took pride in her craft. But most meals at her place entailed her being stuck in the kitchen and coming late to the table--there was always something in the kitchen that needed her attention.

I had always envisioned a family meal where everyone sat down together and talked and laughed. But came to realize that it would never happen with mom. She was wholly concerned with the good food aspect of meals, not the social part. The best way to deal with it was to let go. Let her have the control over one aspect of her life that she held in high importance. When she urged us to eat more of something, I'd just nod and say that yes I already had some, and then ignore. Like water off a duck's back. There's no reasoning with her, especially when she thought she's showing love and care to her family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What does she say to joint outings outside of mealtimes, such as visiting a park or botanical garden, or holiday lights?

If she wants to go nowhere and is fixated on feeding you at her house, then go as often as you want, and stop inviting her to other things. Or perhaps invite just FIL... maybe he's lonely, the poor thing

I tried - I asked if she wanted to go berry picking with DD and I, but that was a hard no. Instead she insisted we come over for lunch afterwards. Part of why I suggest these kinds of activities is so that she does more things with DD and the two of them can actually have something to talk about, like the time they went berry picking.

My suggestion was going to be seeing if you can plan non-food related activities, but it looks like you've tried.

If it were me I would decide what my boundaries for this were (i.e. you decide you will go to their house once a month for a meal and will make it clear that when the kids say no thank you she needs to stop). Then invite them to other things, like meals at your house or outings, and they can decide if they want to come.

My dad and step-mom don't really like to eat out. Mainly it's because of restaurant noise. They really can't stand a lot of background noise and many restaurants have music PLUS talking to contend with.

We try to go at off times when we do go out with them. Or we do takeout, which seems to still be ok with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your MIL’s name Marie Barone?

Ha! I was going to ask the same thing!

I also thought Italian when I read the description. It sounds like some of my older Italian relatives. Can you kids help her in the kitchen? That might make a better bonding experience and she can show off her skills. It may also be some early signs of dementia. A lot of elderly become more obsessive about the things that they do know or feel comfortable with as they start losing grip on learning and doing new things. Familiar is comfortable, different is anxiety producing.
OTOH, it may get better with age. In her 60s and 70s, my mom very much wanted Sunday dinner at her house with whoever could come. And there was often conflict because she would overwork herself and get irritable or anxious. Now in her 90s, she is happy to go to someone else’s house—she’s just more tired, got bored of the whole hosting thing, and is happy to have others cook. She’ll still do some of her specialties to bring or have people over for a few times a year, and still has a general preference of having big holidays at her house to use the nice China and so forth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“We HAVE TO eat everything?”

Come on, OP. You’re a grown-ass adult. You don’t “have to” eat anything. Point blank period.

“No, thank you; I don’t want that tonight.”

“No, Timmy and Janie don’t have to have that. They’re fine with soup and salad.”

Be an adult. Be a parent. Be accountable for your own damn choices. Stop being a mealy-mouthed ninny. I have zero respect for hapless, whining adults.

Don’t want MIL to tell you what to eat? Then don’t let MIL tell you what to eat, or when, or how much. It IS that simple.

I didn't actually ask for advise on what I should do. I asked for insights on why she might be behaving that way. Thanks anyway though.

Maybe I’ll start a new thread asking why an adult would allow another adult to “make her” eat something.

Anonymous wrote:Food is her love language. So go and eat there. I would love for someone to cook for me once a week.

Not op.

Great. Just because it works for you, everyone else has to do it? She's being overbearing and unpleasant. I wouldn't put up with that every week.