OP, I hope you have positive news to report, too. Let us know how it goes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback; honestly the divorce recommendations were a bit frightening though. I don’t think that is the best solution at this point. This morning my husband agreed that the bottle of wine before dinner was too much. We talked about just splitting a bottle during the weekdays if we both decide to drink during dinner and no drinking alone. I’m still a little concerned about sticking with this rhythm going forward but my husband also had some overspending habits that he got totally under control within the last year. I feel like if he puts his mind to something he can achieve it. At this point, I’m more concerned about the conflict resolution piece and feeling like we can talk productively without these type of arguments. That’s not as simple to implement as agreeing to a certain number of drinks.

NP here. One of my parents, three of my grandparents, two of my uncles and one of my cousins were/are alcoholics. It is HORRIBLE to live with someone like this and I hate to have read your post and your excuses. Please seriously consider leaving him.

He has a huge problem, and you are enabling him and making excuses, which is classic enabling behavior. You are scared to leave, and I get that, but he isn't going to change. He is defensive, deflective, rude, etc. about his problem because he knows what he is doing isn't ok but he doesn't want to change. So are you going to continue living with someone like this. 6-7 drinks any day of the week is awful. You said he did that on the week days and more on the weekends. Holy FS!

Please. I am telling you as someone who has watched alcohol kill families, ruin careers, thrown people in jail and caused horrific health problems. I sincerely mean this, please leave. Today. You can do it. And don't ever have kids with him, ever.

Maybe you are not the best person to be commenting. You might be projecting your bad experiences onto OP's situation.

Lots and lots of people have the tendency to drink too much. There are many people who have successfully dealt with that with the help of a loved one, and there is nothing in OP's posts that suggests they are at the point where she needs to leave for safety or sanity. I am always amazed at the people on here who jump to recommending divorce when there is the least bit of trouble in a marriage.

Glad to hear that he's listening to you.

I drank way too much 20+ years and stopped drinking entirely a couple of years ago because of the various health problems caused by excessive drinking. My drinking is similar to what you describe. I am sure there are plenty of others on here thinking the same thing. Some things to consider:

1. You are not crazy. Your DH is engaged in problem drinking.

2. There are likely other seeking/indulging behaviors there that you don't see as related or don't know about. Eating too much. Risk taking. Other things.

3. He should probably try to address the root cause of this.

4. But you don't need to do a complete 12-step whatever. The cold turkey and then moderation is a legitimate way to handle this for the time being.

5. I think your concerned and supportive approach works. His defensiveness is to be expected. Don't take it personally.

OP, I am in the thick of babyhood with a toddler and a newborn. My spouse and I have been together 10+ years and never argued/ bickered. Let me tell you, adding kids to the equation adds an incomprehensible level of stress. You cannot add nannying your husband's alcohol consumption to the non-stop loop of to-dos that you will have with kids. I have far less experience with alcoholics than others who have commented on this board, but I just wanted to weigh in that this phase of life is stressful even on a very solid and stable foundation. I just don't see how you could negotiate alcohol consumption on top of everything else - the exhaustion, the frayed nerves, the pervasive + growing parent wine culture... I think it has to be cold turkey.

OP again. Following (ideally) successful 2.5 weeks of no drinking, we plan to try a plan for moderation that we both agree to. That way I can be sure he is able to go without alcohol and also control consumption going forward, since folks noted that both approaches are worth trying.

We are not drinking through the end of the month. Will see how that goes. We have social things planned and my husband suggested we don’t drink during those either when I asked what he thought. I hope to report back with positive news.

OP I say okay let’s give you the benefit of the doubt - no drinking for either of you for two months. Let’s see how it goes? And then you’ll come back to this thread and recognize why you got the divorce advice. He won’t be able to do it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

OP, I think you have a much longer road ahead of you than you realize. He's not going to just stop drinking or moderate his drinking. It's further gone than that. He's probably going to need to talk to an addiction specialist and you should consider attending a virtual Al Anon meeting.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

OP, sorry to say this, but this is a typical strategy of alcoholics. Some folks like to prove they can stop at any time and do it for awhile but then come back to where they were before. They think they don't have a problem because they managed to stop for a period of time but they are only fooling themselves.

OP, I haven't read all the comments but I'm sure that some of the pps have suggested Al-Anon, a 12-step group for friends and families of people with drinking problems. Or work with a therapist who has experience working with families affected by addiction.

And, if your husband is an alcoholic, be aware that he may pass on a genetic predisposition to it in your children. That's another reason to get this resolved one way or another before you have children.

I see people detox from alcohol where I work, and it’s brutal and sad. Your DH is drinking a lot, and it’s highly unlikely that it’s not impacting his health.

Regardless - you are not going to take our advice, and I understand that it’s incredibly hard to do so because you love him and want to stay married to him. So I’ll advise you to try the abstinence for 3 weeks and see how it goes. You’re just going to have to live through it and learn from experience.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback; honestly the divorce recommendations were a bit frightening though. I don’t think that is the best solution at this point. This morning my husband agreed that the bottle of wine before dinner was too much. We talked about just splitting a bottle during the weekdays if we both decide to drink during dinner and no drinking alone. I’m still a little concerned about sticking with this rhythm going forward but my husband also had some overspending habits that he got totally under control within the last year. I feel like if he puts his mind to something he can achieve it. At this point, I’m more concerned about the conflict resolution piece and feeling like we can talk productively without these type of arguments. That’s not as simple to implement as agreeing to a certain number of drinks.

NP here. One of my parents, three of my grandparents, two of my uncles and one of my cousins were/are alcoholics. It is HORRIBLE to live with someone like this and I hate to have read your post and your excuses. Please seriously consider leaving him.

He has a huge problem, and you are enabling him and making excuses, which is classic enabling behavior. You are scared to leave, and I get that, but he isn't going to change. He is defensive, deflective, rude, etc. about his problem because he knows what he is doing isn't ok but he doesn't want to change. So are you going to continue living with someone like this. 6-7 drinks any day of the week is awful. You said he did that on the week days and more on the weekends. Holy FS!

Please. I am telling you as someone who has watched alcohol kill families, ruin careers, thrown people in jail and caused horrific health problems. I sincerely mean this, please leave. Today. You can do it. And don't ever have kids with him, ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

If it doesn't control him, why doesn't *he* decide to stop drinking altogether?

OP, you are enabling him and being avoidant, and the only result of that will be your long-term detriment.

Double up on birth control for sure.

A classic test for an alcohol problem is to set a predetermined limit, say two measured drinks, and try to hold to that for say a couple weeks. This is much harder than an alcohol fast.

Most people with alcohol problems have no idea how much alcohol controls them.

Please, please don’t bring a child into this. Overconsumption of alcohol and overspending are the perfect hallmarks of addiction. Clearly, you are not ready to save yourself from this, but don’t bring a kid into this. They don’t deserve it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband also said we could stop drinking entirely if I wanted that. I am considering we try that for a period of time. Would you recommend that approach as opposed to moderation? For a few weeks? Can that help confirm that he does not have an alcohol dependency as he states? I am not convinced he is an alcoholic considering there are some days when he drinks less or not at all. It seems to be worse during periods of stress. He does not think it is a problem because it doesn’t control him. Thanks for the thoughts.

If it doesn't control him, why doesn't *he* decide to stop drinking altogether?

OP, you are enabling him and being avoidant, and the only result of that will be your long-term detriment.

Double up on birth control for sure.