Anonymous
Post 12/14/2019 07:32     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.

Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.


No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.


yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.


I have to say that I would be receptive if my husband told me that he felt like kids' ballet and church stuff was causing problems in our marriage or our family because he wanted to spend more time at home together or he just wanted to see me more relaxed at the end of the day.
Sometimes I take on stuff because of social pressure to take it, and I just keep doing it out of habit and this sort of belief that I can do more than other people can. I would definitely take a hard look at my to do list if DH thought it was causing an issue.


I think it is true in some cases. A lot of women load themselves with unnecessary chores just because friend's kid doing ballet, soccer, etc. even if it is not the best choice for her family. For example, my neighbor drives the kid to gymnastics 20 miles away in the rush hour in a heavy traffic, because the gym that is 2 miles away from our house is not good enough for her Larla. Then she complains that her husband won't help with that. I am totally on husband's side. I would not drive in that direction in the rush hour at all. I think been home in the evening for your husband, other kids and not been tired from sitting in a traffic is more important for the family wellbeing than Larla's success in gymnastics. But women pushing it to the edge until it is too late.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2019 10:12     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Po: We've been together over 30 years and he was absolutely nothing like this when we met and married some 6yrs after we met and then another 5yrs before we had kids. The only thing we did not do then that I want now - have something to discuss and share ideas on besides the kids and the latest idiot thing done by someone at his job.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2019 07:48     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Biggest problem = we haven't had sex in nearly 6 years and I literally cannot see myself ever having sex with him again. Why? He's 5'11", weighs 380lbs, suffers from the effects of poor dental hygiene, reads at a 6th level, wears the same clothes everyday and is a slob and pack rat.

Morbid obesity (which he actually use to blame on the kids bcse he was the one who prepared meals) and struggle with reading comprehension = he can't really share in any of the activities I enjoy - hiking, travel, discussing anything other than pop culture or what he's recently watched on Bravo network. Kids are all in college now and frequently breakfast is a pint of ice cream with pop tarts or apple pie, and dinner is Ledo's pizza at least two or three days a week.

The result is what you'd expect...I'm no longer attracted to him. So, no intimacy which means no sex in what is now 6 years. Said he would get counseling for his obvious denial of eating disorder and sugar addiction and just will not follow through. I think he eats this way because he's suffering from depression cause he attributes the food to making him happy.


Why did you marry him?
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2019 07:14     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Biggest problem = we haven't had sex in nearly 6 years and I literally cannot see myself ever having sex with him again. Why? He's 5'11", weighs 380lbs, suffers from the effects of poor dental hygiene, reads at a 6th level, wears the same clothes everyday and is a slob and pack rat.

Morbid obesity (which he actually use to blame on the kids bcse he was the one who prepared meals) and struggle with reading comprehension = he can't really share in any of the activities I enjoy - hiking, travel, discussing anything other than pop culture or what he's recently watched on Bravo network. Kids are all in college now and frequently breakfast is a pint of ice cream with pop tarts or apple pie, and dinner is Ledo's pizza at least two or three days a week.

The result is what you'd expect...I'm no longer attracted to him. So, no intimacy which means no sex in what is now 6 years. Said he would get counseling for his obvious denial of eating disorder and sugar addiction and just will not follow through. I think he eats this way because he's suffering from depression cause he attributes the food to making him happy.
Anonymous
Post 12/11/2019 21:02     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
We have a bunch of issues (what working parents of a toddler don’t?) but the main trap we continually fall into is not listening to each other. When we are able to do active listening, usually with the help of weekly online marriage counseling, we can find peace with or resolve any of our issues.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2019 13:11     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Yeah but who want to have sex with a DH that cheated, gross. I would feel like they defiled themselves, and the marriage by allowing a garbage person to interfere. Many women stay and fake it but it's over for the most part. Not to mention they could have destroyed their health from STDs.


You have a really toxic view of sex and the human body. I'm all for fidelity, but it has nothing to do with sex being "gross" or a spouse being "defiled." And STDs are a limited concern. It's obviously a possibility, but humans aren't -- by and large -- cesspools of diseases; so it's sort of a minor concern in the scheme of things. Breach of trust is way more of an issue.


I disagree, probably most victims of cheating feel the same.

The sex is gross after knowing where that spouse has been. Yes there's a big feeling of the entire marriage being a sham. STDs and HPV is a big concern, please educate yourself. Of course the gaslighting is another big one. Yes the trust is over whatever happens.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2019 12:40     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:DH works too much. He comes home late most nights and works many weekends. On top of it, he will volunteer to work the holidays too. And no he isn’t cheating. He has a demanding specialty full job and took a second weekend job, that financially, I think is entirely unnecessary. He happily works this much and gets angry if I complain about it.


Examine why he is doing it! Does he want to be home?
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2019 11:58     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:

Yeah but who want to have sex with a DH that cheated, gross. I would feel like they defiled themselves, and the marriage by allowing a garbage person to interfere. Many women stay and fake it but it's over for the most part. Not to mention they could have destroyed their health from STDs.


You have a really toxic view of sex and the human body. I'm all for fidelity, but it has nothing to do with sex being "gross" or a spouse being "defiled." And STDs are a limited concern. It's obviously a possibility, but humans aren't -- by and large -- cesspools of diseases; so it's sort of a minor concern in the scheme of things. Breach of trust is way more of an issue.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2019 11:31     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^ it did get better over time but it took some time.

To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.

It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.


Man who had an affair and I get this. Easier said than done. I thought about the way I treated AP - flirted with her, made her feel special, listened to her, brought her occasional small gifts - and realized I wasn't doing that for my wife. Problem is, even if I sent her flirty texts or gifts, she wouldn't be receptive to either. Point being, the wife has to be responsive to advances for this to work.


Your wife might not be responsive to flirtation if you have not reached the level of being an equal partner in your day to day life. For example, if she is doing the bulk of the chores, social planning, child rearing, and financial planning, she doesn’t have any bandwidth to respond to romantic overtures from you.

DH probably does more chores than I do. But he is too tired to be romantic a lot. We are both tired at this stage in life!


You are typical male with an erect penis. You think flirty texts or gifts would get your wife to have sex with you. LOL. You're dumb. It takes a lot more than that - how about you be a parent and a partner? It most likely will take a few years to earn back the damage your lack of participation caused.

FOr now, focus on parenting and supporting her and your household. Keep your penis in your pants!


Yeah but who want to have sex with a DH that cheated, gross. I would feel like they defiled themselves, and the marriage by allowing a garbage person to interfere. Many women stay and fake it but it's over for the most part. Not to mention they could have destroyed their health from STDs.