Anonymous wrote:My ex did the same.

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Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

A woman's lack of sexual desire is not driven by the man not doing chores nor by the man having angry outbursts.

Plenty of couples fight but then have hot make up sex. Plenty of woman have sex with their husbands and enjoy it even if he doesn't split the household chores 50/50.

Yes it is.

Explosive ManChild is not attractive. Nor marriage or parenting material.

Right so Ops friend was not blind sided then.

R u still trying to pretend it’s the wife’s fault the guy was a deadweight, then a cheater, and then left his family?

Sheesh, hope you don’t have daughters or sons.

no just pointing out that ops friend couldn't possibly have been blind sided she already knew she was in a bad marriage

DP, and first time commenting:

I bet she thought they had settled into a groove and were happy enough.

I bet she thought he was a good guy who was too decent to cheat…and perhaps assumed he was too busy and too smart to screw around and risk blowing up their family.

Regardless, it’s plausible she was blindsided. Anyone would be.

Nah, she knew it was bad. She’d have to be oblivious not to know. The kids knew, too. A zombie, roommate marriage. She might have waited a few more years, but this was always going to end in divorce. Maybe she’s surprised he pulled the trigger, but no way she was surprised, much less blindsided.

I have heard way too many stories in recent years of this exact thing happening and the wife being completely blindsided to believe that. I think sometimes it does happen out of the blue and that’s very hard because it’s such a betrayal of trust. These men are often not-great communicators and/or impulsive types.

If they have stopped having sex on a regular basis then that's willful blindness. I'm puzzled as to why people who decide that they aren't interested in marital sex any longer believe that their spouse should tolerate a sexless marriage

More like unresolved conflict.

Wonder who didn’t want to resolve the underlying conflict(s)?

. Unresolved conflict about what? Your post is not a response to anything.

The unresolved conflicts that led to no more sex. Fix those!
Health, respect, communication, roles & responsibilities, safety, addictions, abuse, disorders, etc.

No, cutting off sex as a form of blackmail led to no sex.

What was the blackmail ask?

. You'll have to ask OP to ask her friend since the friend didn't think anything was wrong at all.

No.

You claimed “‘cutting off sex, as a form of blackmail, led to no sex.’”

So tell us what the fictitious blackmailer woman was demanding in your fictitious claim.

Your claim also assumes the demand was not met, thus it “led to no sex.”

So what was the blackmail ask?

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

A woman's lack of sexual desire is not driven by the man not doing chores nor by the man having angry outbursts.

Plenty of couples fight but then have hot make up sex. Plenty of woman have sex with their husbands and enjoy it even if he doesn't split the household chores 50/50.

Yes it is.

Explosive ManChild is not attractive. Nor marriage or parenting material.

Right so Ops friend was not blind sided then.

R u still trying to pretend it’s the wife’s fault the guy was a deadweight, then a cheater, and then left his family?

Sheesh, hope you don’t have daughters or sons.

no just pointing out that ops friend couldn't possibly have been blind sided she already knew she was in a bad marriage

DP, and first time commenting:

I bet she thought they had settled into a groove and were happy enough.

I bet she thought he was a good guy who was too decent to cheat…and perhaps assumed he was too busy and too smart to screw around and risk blowing up their family.

Regardless, it’s plausible she was blindsided. Anyone would be.

Nah, she knew it was bad. She’d have to be oblivious not to know. The kids knew, too. A zombie, roommate marriage. She might have waited a few more years, but this was always going to end in divorce. Maybe she’s surprised he pulled the trigger, but no way she was surprised, much less blindsided.

I have heard way too many stories in recent years of this exact thing happening and the wife being completely blindsided to believe that. I think sometimes it does happen out of the blue and that’s very hard because it’s such a betrayal of trust. These men are often not-great communicators and/or impulsive types.

Our neighbors are getting divorced and it was the wife who blindsided the husband, so it goes both ways.

So his version (like OP’s friend), is that he had no idea the relationship was in trouble? She never expressed to him her dissatisfaction? Repeatedly? To no avail? That lightning just struck one day out of the clear blue sky?

I certainly get *why* they would want that to be the narrative. Just not buying either story.

No, there were cracks, we had seen them, but she blindsided him by the way she went about the divorce. They had been discussing separating amicably and sharing custody and then she just went nuts, took their kids to their vacation house, and did a lot of stuff that was not conducive to an amicable divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

A woman's lack of sexual desire is not driven by the man not doing chores nor by the man having angry outbursts.

Plenty of couples fight but then have hot make up sex. Plenty of woman have sex with their husbands and enjoy it even if he doesn't split the household chores 50/50.

Yes it is.

Explosive ManChild is not attractive. Nor marriage or parenting material.

Right so Ops friend was not blind sided then.

R u still trying to pretend it’s the wife’s fault the guy was a deadweight, then a cheater, and then left his family?

Sheesh, hope you don’t have daughters or sons.

no just pointing out that ops friend couldn't possibly have been blind sided she already knew she was in a bad marriage

DP, and first time commenting:

I bet she thought they had settled into a groove and were happy enough.

I bet she thought he was a good guy who was too decent to cheat…and perhaps assumed he was too busy and too smart to screw around and risk blowing up their family.

Regardless, it’s plausible she was blindsided. Anyone would be.

Nah, she knew it was bad. She’d have to be oblivious not to know. The kids knew, too. A zombie, roommate marriage. She might have waited a few more years, but this was always going to end in divorce. Maybe she’s surprised he pulled the trigger, but no way she was surprised, much less blindsided.

I have heard way too many stories in recent years of this exact thing happening and the wife being completely blindsided to believe that. I think sometimes it does happen out of the blue and that’s very hard because it’s such a betrayal of trust. These men are often not-great communicators and/or impulsive types.

Our neighbors are getting divorced and it was the wife who blindsided the husband, so it goes both ways.

So his version (like OP’s friend), is that he had no idea the relationship was in trouble? She never expressed to him her dissatisfaction? Repeatedly? To no avail? That lightning just struck one day out of the clear blue sky?

I certainly get *why* they would want that to be the narrative. Just not buying either story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

This happens all the time. A husband falls out of love with wife, and finds a perceived better and more attractive partner.

Fixed it for you! Agree it happens all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

There are literally constantly posts here in various threads by women in their 40s and 50s who have lost interest in sex entirely, yet don't see it as a problem at all-- in fact it's their absolute right not only to not have marital sex but to be outraged that their husbands feel differently about it. Op sounds like one of them.

I realized post-separation that I had not lost interest in sex at all. Just sex with the ex. And fwiw in our sexless marriage my ex never once addressed it or asked for sex. I certainly wasn't interested in him so was happy to not address it if he wasn't going to address it. How does that fit the narrative of some of you that it's always the woman's fault when there were actually two people who didn't want to have sex with each other?....

Yeah, when the relationship is that far gone, the divorce is win/win.

Except for the kids, who are the losers in that scenario.

It’s a win for the kids too. They are better off without that awful dad.