Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:51
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I do not like incomplete statements that does not tell the whole truth.
In the context of highly educated UMC women in DMV who choose to SAH the complete statement would be - We are financially well off, we have a solid marriage, we are very well educated, we are priviledged in many ways, we have outsourced many domestic chores and my being home to raise kids is valued immensely by my DH. WE also didn't want someone else to raise our kids
This is the most interesting of the posts I've read here (not all). I think you're so right on this being the full story for some, but this definitely sounds impolite to say. Though all of it would become apparent to another person by spending enough time with the family to understand the full dynamic.
As usual, there are plenty of reactive responses here, but what is the constructive advice from the camp that doesn't want a SAHP to say this phrase? In this area I'm still frequently asked by people who don't know me well, "...and what do you do?" I would much rather give a little more context than simply, "I currently care for my children." That's not how conversations work. It's an incomplete answer. I am still a licensed professional in the behavioral health field. My actual choice was to continue to apply my training with other people's children while paying someone else to care for mine or use the skills I'd built for many years to care for the children I also waited through many years of infertility to have. When someone says, "I don't want to pay for other people to raise my kids," there are probably several personal layers embedded that have nothing to do with other people's choice.
Still, if people in the "never say that" camp have a helpful different idea for what to say in that common social situation, that would keep the conversation interesting, truthful, and inoffensive, please share.
I guess the feeling is that your statement isn't even really true unless you plan to homeschool.
Do you plan to homeschool?
If not I'd just say, "I'm saying home until the kids are in school"
Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:40
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote: I do not like incomplete statements that does not tell the whole truth.
In the context of highly educated UMC women in DMV who choose to SAH the complete statement would be - We are financially well off, we have a solid marriage, we are very well educated, we are priviledged in many ways, we have outsourced many domestic chores and my being home to raise kids is valued immensely by my DH. WE also didn't want someone else to raise our kids
This is the most interesting of the posts I've read here (not all). I think you're so right on this being the full story for some, but this definitely sounds impolite to say. Though all of it would become apparent to another person by spending enough time with the family to understand the full dynamic.
As usual, there are plenty of reactive responses here, but what is the constructive advice from the camp that doesn't want a SAHP to say this phrase? In this area I'm still frequently asked by people who don't know me well, "...and what do you do?" I would much rather give a little more context than simply, "I currently care for my children." That's not how conversations work. It's an incomplete answer. I am still a licensed professional in the behavioral health field. My actual choice was to continue to apply my training with other people's children while paying someone else to care for mine or use the skills I'd built for many years to care for the children I also waited through many years of infertility to have. When someone says, "I don't want to pay for other people to raise my kids," there are probably several personal layers embedded that have nothing to do with other people's choice.
Still, if people in the "never say that" camp have a helpful different idea for what to say in that common social situation, that would keep the conversation interesting, truthful, and inoffensive, please share.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:24
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: I do not like incomplete statements that does not tell the whole truth.
In the context of highly educated UMC women in DMV who choose to SAH the complete statement would be - We are financially well off, we have a solid marriage, we are very well educated, we are priviledged in many ways, we have outsourced many domestic chores and my being home to raise kids is valued immensely by my DH. WE also didn't want someone else to raise our kids
So well educated that you can't spell? We are all extremely impressed.
Come on grammar, police nobody gives a s**t about the spelling on a thread like this.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:20
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote: I do not like incomplete statements that does not tell the whole truth.
In the context of highly educated UMC women in DMV who choose to SAH the complete statement would be - We are financially well off, we have a solid marriage, we are very well educated, we are priviledged in many ways, we have outsourced many domestic chores and my being home to raise kids is valued immensely by my DH. WE also didn't want someone else to raise our kids
So well educated that you can't spell? We are all extremely impressed.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:16
Subject: Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?
Unless they home school 100 percent and live on a remote farm, someone else is always assisting in their kids’ development. Absent this, I assume anyone who says the above is a smug idiot.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:11
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is a huge difference to the kids though to have a more relaxed morning and to be able to come home and rest after school instead of staying in aftercare.
I stopped working when I had my kids, went back part-time when they started school and now that they are in high school I am increasing my hours close to full-time. I have always worked from home and have an intellectually stimulating job.
I realize that I am very lucky and not everyone has the same options as I do. I have no judgment, only sympathy, for those who would prefer to stay home with kids but have to work due to financial reasons.
I will never regret staying home with the kids when they were young. I truly believe that having one lovung and engaged parent stay home is the very best for the children. Those were also some of the best years of my life and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity.
Our aftercare was so much fun at our school that SAHMs also sent their kids 2-3 days a week because it was one big playdate and they felt left out.
I think it’s good to have 2 engaged parents and we need to start making dads part of the equation.
I agree. I much prefer that our kids spend their after school with a mix of nanny, DH and me rather than 100% with me. And because DH doesn’t have to be sole breadwinner, he took a job that doesn’t require him to work weekends, so we can hang out together all weekend.
The three SAHMs I know well, their husbands are a mess. Totally checked out. Even if they don’t work many hours, they spend a ton of free time on their phone because they “earned” it by being the sole breadwinner.
In my experience the guys are not such jerks that they think they "earned it" but it's just the kids never even think to ask dad to do anything and they don't really think of it.. like the kids need sunscreen. Then people get mad their H's don't do anything. It's just part of my H's ethos to know what the kids need and to do it, no need to instruct or ask. If you don't involve them how do they know.
I have a highly competent and high earning husband. We hang out with other super engaging dads. The dads are smart, athletic and help around the house. There are men who are not engaged even if they don’t have demanding jobs. Look at all the men who have affairs. They are cheating on their wives, not on their phones. You can cheat at all income levels as well.
I agree there are dads who help in the am, are home in the afternoon, moms also high earners and very involved. Staff does most everything else... but this is about 10% of the top 10% ers.
But come on you know high earners are cheating as much as slugs.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 08:03
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is a huge difference to the kids though to have a more relaxed morning and to be able to come home and rest after school instead of staying in aftercare.
I stopped working when I had my kids, went back part-time when they started school and now that they are in high school I am increasing my hours close to full-time. I have always worked from home and have an intellectually stimulating job.
I realize that I am very lucky and not everyone has the same options as I do. I have no judgment, only sympathy, for those who would prefer to stay home with kids but have to work due to financial reasons.
I will never regret staying home with the kids when they were young. I truly believe that having one lovung and engaged parent stay home is the very best for the children. Those were also some of the best years of my life and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity.
Our aftercare was so much fun at our school that SAHMs also sent their kids 2-3 days a week because it was one big playdate and they felt left out.
I think it’s good to have 2 engaged parents and we need to start making dads part of the equation.
I agree. I much prefer that our kids spend their after school with a mix of nanny, DH and me rather than 100% with me. And because DH doesn’t have to be sole breadwinner, he took a job that doesn’t require him to work weekends, so we can hang out together all weekend.
The three SAHMs I know well, their husbands are a mess. Totally checked out. Even if they don’t work many hours, they spend a ton of free time on their phone because they “earned” it by being the sole breadwinner.
In my experience the guys are not such jerks that they think they "earned it" but it's just the kids never even think to ask dad to do anything and they don't really think of it.. like the kids need sunscreen. Then people get mad their H's don't do anything. It's just part of my H's ethos to know what the kids need and to do it, no need to instruct or ask. If you don't involve them how do they know.
I have a highly competent and high earning husband. We hang out with other super engaging dads. The dads are smart, athletic and help around the house. There are men who are not engaged even if they don’t have demanding jobs. Look at all the men who have affairs. They are cheating on their wives, not on their phones. You can cheat at all income levels as well.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:59
Subject: Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:^ The SAHMs I know, would never be the type to gatekeep and in fact complain often bc they never get a break! They can never ever sleep in or have a lazy morning bc on the weekdays their DH gets up late (after a late night online) and has no time to do anything except rush to work. And on the weekends their DH sleeps in and hangs out on his phone until lunch
Just don't wake up. When the kids are up say, tag you are it. Let them figure it out.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:57
Subject: Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
^ The SAHMs I know, would never be the type to gatekeep and in fact complain often bc they never get a break! They can never ever sleep in or have a lazy morning bc on the weekdays their DH gets up late (after a late night online) and has no time to do anything except rush to work. And on the weekends their DH sleeps in and hangs out on his phone until lunch
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:54
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is a huge difference to the kids though to have a more relaxed morning and to be able to come home and rest after school instead of staying in aftercare.
I stopped working when I had my kids, went back part-time when they started school and now that they are in high school I am increasing my hours close to full-time. I have always worked from home and have an intellectually stimulating job.
I realize that I am very lucky and not everyone has the same options as I do. I have no judgment, only sympathy, for those who would prefer to stay home with kids but have to work due to financial reasons.
I will never regret staying home with the kids when they were young. I truly believe that having one lovung and engaged parent stay home is the very best for the children. Those were also some of the best years of my life and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity.
Our aftercare was so much fun at our school that SAHMs also sent their kids 2-3 days a week because it was one big playdate and they felt left out.
I think it’s good to have 2 engaged parents and we need to start making dads part of the equation.
I agree. I much prefer that our kids spend their after school with a mix of nanny, DH and me rather than 100% with me. And because DH doesn’t have to be sole breadwinner, he took a job that doesn’t require him to work weekends, so we can hang out together all weekend.
The three SAHMs I know well, their husbands are a mess. Totally checked out. Even if they don’t work many hours, they spend a ton of free time on their phone because they “earned” it by being the sole breadwinner.
In my experience the guys are not such jerks that they think they "earned it" but it's just the kids never even think to ask dad to do anything and they don't really think of it.. like the kids need sunscreen. Then people get mad their H's don't do anything. It's just part of my H's ethos to know what the kids need and to do it, no need to instruct or ask. If you don't involve them how do they know.
Idk… I still think it’s entitlement. These same guys, if they were given a legal case or a work project in a new area, would probably show interest and proactivity in finding out more so they could get the hang of it. Handling kids is the same. If you don’t have the muscles but you want to develop them then you can.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:46
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is a huge difference to the kids though to have a more relaxed morning and to be able to come home and rest after school instead of staying in aftercare.
I stopped working when I had my kids, went back part-time when they started school and now that they are in high school I am increasing my hours close to full-time. I have always worked from home and have an intellectually stimulating job.
I realize that I am very lucky and not everyone has the same options as I do. I have no judgment, only sympathy, for those who would prefer to stay home with kids but have to work due to financial reasons.
I will never regret staying home with the kids when they were young. I truly believe that having one lovung and engaged parent stay home is the very best for the children. Those were also some of the best years of my life and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity.
Our aftercare was so much fun at our school that SAHMs also sent their kids 2-3 days a week because it was one big playdate and they felt left out.
I think it’s good to have 2 engaged parents and we need to start making dads part of the equation.
I agree. I much prefer that our kids spend their after school with a mix of nanny, DH and me rather than 100% with me. And because DH doesn’t have to be sole breadwinner, he took a job that doesn’t require him to work weekends, so we can hang out together all weekend.
The three SAHMs I know well, their husbands are a mess. Totally checked out. Even if they don’t work many hours, they spend a ton of free time on their phone because they “earned” it by being the sole breadwinner.
In my experience the guys are not such jerks that they think they "earned it" but it's just the kids never even think to ask dad to do anything and they don't really think of it.. like the kids need sunscreen. Then people get mad their H's don't do anything. It's just part of my H's ethos to know what the kids need and to do it, no need to instruct or ask. If you don't involve them how do they know.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:43
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote: I do not like incomplete statements that does not tell the whole truth.
In the context of highly educated UMC women in DMV who choose to SAH the complete statement would be - We are financially well off, we have a solid marriage, we are very well educated, we are priviledged in many ways, we have outsourced many domestic chores and my being home to raise kids is valued immensely by my DH. WE also didn't want someone else to raise our kids
In the same vein for the WOHM - I work because I want to use my brain and in this High COL area of DMV we will sink if I don't bring a paycheck.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:27
Subject: Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
It’s rude. I have been both a SAHM and now work from an office four days a week, and I have always been neutral as to how anyone else chooses to conduct their lives and structure their families.
I got a little offended when a colleague said “when my daughter was born we decided my wife would stay home, and we were able to do that.” In response, I clarified that we *could* have me stay at home but that I *choose* to work. The implication of his statement was that he was financially able to support his family himself; I wanted to make it clear that my husband also earns enough to support our family, as well (and I believe makes more than this person). I found that grating.
I got a little offended when a colleague said “when my daughter was born we decided my wife would stay home, and we were able to do that.” In response, I clarified that we *could* have me stay at home but that I *choose* to work. The implication of his statement was that he was financially able to support his family himself; I wanted to make it clear that my husband also earns enough to support our family, as well (and I believe makes more than this person). I found that grating.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:20
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is a huge difference to the kids though to have a more relaxed morning and to be able to come home and rest after school instead of staying in aftercare.
I stopped working when I had my kids, went back part-time when they started school and now that they are in high school I am increasing my hours close to full-time. I have always worked from home and have an intellectually stimulating job.
I realize that I am very lucky and not everyone has the same options as I do. I have no judgment, only sympathy, for those who would prefer to stay home with kids but have to work due to financial reasons.
I will never regret staying home with the kids when they were young. I truly believe that having one lovung and engaged parent stay home is the very best for the children. Those were also some of the best years of my life and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity.
Our aftercare was so much fun at our school that SAHMs also sent their kids 2-3 days a week because it was one big playdate and they felt left out.
I think it’s good to have 2 engaged parents and we need to start making dads part of the equation.
I agree. I much prefer that our kids spend their after school with a mix of nanny, DH and me rather than 100% with me. And because DH doesn’t have to be sole breadwinner, he took a job that doesn’t require him to work weekends, so we can hang out together all weekend.
The three SAHMs I know well, their husbands are a mess. Totally checked out. Even if they don’t work many hours, they spend a ton of free time on their phone because they “earned” it by being the sole breadwinner.
Anonymous
10/11/2024 07:14
Subject: Re:Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?
Anonymous wrote: I do not like incomplete statements that does not tell the whole truth.
In the context of highly educated UMC women in DMV who choose to SAH the complete statement would be - We are financially well off, we have a solid marriage, we are very well educated, we are priviledged in many ways, we have outsourced many domestic chores and my being home to raise kids is valued immensely by my DH. WE also didn't want someone else to raise our kids
You represent <10% of families.