Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

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Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Insurance policies can cover dire situations. Sah, for my family, was worth the risk of the types of disaster scenarios pps have brought out. Being with my young children every day and being there before and after school and to care for them when they were sick means more to me and dh than any amount of money. This isn't a knock on anyone else's choices. We both felt having an at home parent was our top priority and the best way to ensure our children grew up in the home and family we desired for them. That is what we valued the most. It went well and the kids are great.

Insurance only goes so far, unfortunately. I remember a horrible moment where my Dad pointed out that we had Insurance for if he died but the insurance didn't remotely cover the cost of "Dad's brain isn't working".

The pressure on my Dad and the horrible feeling of failure he had when he couldn't fill that role through no fault of his own. I never want anyone I love to feel like that.

That sounds traumatic for the whole family. Fortunately, brain cancer is rare and my family made it through my being home without any major financial distress. My father also had a life altering medical emergency and condition starting when I was 11. I was traumatized by that, for sure. It is also part of the reason I wanted to spend every day with my young kids. I would do it again.

I mean it goes both ways. Mom working means Dad gets to spend more time with the kids too.

I don’t think this is very common

Actually it is an established fact that fathers with working spouses consistently spend more time on child care than those with stay-at-home partners.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4568757/

Yes, Dads may want a more equal set up because they want to parent more. Nothing wrong with that.

My spouse would have to take a job that requires significant travel at OT to even make up a fraction of my income. No coaching little league, no dinner with the kids every night, no bedtime dance parties.

+1 we can both have jobs with work-life balance (and still have a decent HHI) because we both work

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Insurance policies can cover dire situations. Sah, for my family, was worth the risk of the types of disaster scenarios pps have brought out. Being with my young children every day and being there before and after school and to care for them when they were sick means more to me and dh than any amount of money. This isn't a knock on anyone else's choices. We both felt having an at home parent was our top priority and the best way to ensure our children grew up in the home and family we desired for them. That is what we valued the most. It went well and the kids are great.

Insurance only goes so far, unfortunately. I remember a horrible moment where my Dad pointed out that we had Insurance for if he died but the insurance didn't remotely cover the cost of "Dad's brain isn't working".

The pressure on my Dad and the horrible feeling of failure he had when he couldn't fill that role through no fault of his own. I never want anyone I love to feel like that.

That sounds traumatic for the whole family. Fortunately, brain cancer is rare and my family made it through my being home without any major financial distress. My father also had a life altering medical emergency and condition starting when I was 11. I was traumatized by that, for sure. It is also part of the reason I wanted to spend every day with my young kids. I would do it again.

I mean it goes both ways. Mom working means Dad gets to spend more time with the kids too.

I don’t think this is very common

Actually it is an established fact that fathers with working spouses consistently spend more time on child care than those with stay-at-home partners.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4568757/

Yes, Dads may want a more equal set up because they want to parent more. Nothing wrong with that.

My spouse would have to take a job that requires significant travel at OT to even make up a fraction of my income. No coaching little league, no dinner with the kids every night, no bedtime dance parties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Life is give and take, every choice has positives and negatives. Pick one you can live with. Its not like people are marrying young in teen years and can't think for themselves. Most people are marrying around 30 and are mature enough to make decisions.

This forum would say otherwise... After all, why are there all these unhappily married people on here if they made good decisions?

I feel like people marrying late make worse decisions as they are driven by fear of missing out, have limited choices and are more set in their independent ways so merging lives is frustrating and gets worse after kids.

You think 30's is marrying late? I don't. I would love for people to have to state their stats when they post. I'm curious how many of these unhappy people married younger versus older.

Early 30's, no but later, yes. That's not my opinion, biology dictates our chronology.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Ha! I became a SAHM (or worked very part time anyway) for kind of a similar reason. My cousin died when her kids were in elementary school, and they had this whole community of people that stepped up and made sure that they didn’t fall behind at school and still got to their extracurriculars and everything. I was working at the time and felt like I didn’t know anyone who also knew my kids and family. There just wasn’t enough time to devote to those relationships. I took a few years and built up our network of friends and family that were involved in our lives and involved with our kids.

Are you saying others should raise your kids when you are not able to provide for them in case of your husband's death? This is the crazier s..t I've ever read on this forum

+1

Bizarre

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is give and take, every choice has positives and negatives. Pick one you can live with. Its not like people are marrying young in teen years and can't think for themselves. Most people are marrying around 30 and are mature enough to make decisions.

This forum would say otherwise... After all, why are there all these unhappily married people on here if they made good decisions?

I feel like people marrying late make worse decisions as they are driven by fear of missing out, have limited choices and are more set in their independent ways so merging lives is frustrating and gets worse after kids.

You think 30's is marrying late? I don't. I would love for people to have to state their stats when they post. I'm curious how many of these unhappy people married younger versus older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Ha! I became a SAHM (or worked very part time anyway) for kind of a similar reason. My cousin died when her kids were in elementary school, and they had this whole community of people that stepped up and made sure that they didn’t fall behind at school and still got to their extracurriculars and everything. I was working at the time and felt like I didn’t know anyone who also knew my kids and family. There just wasn’t enough time to devote to those relationships. I took a few years and built up our network of friends and family that were involved in our lives and involved with our kids.

Are you saying others should raise your kids when you are not able to provide for them in case of your husband's death? This is the crazier s..t I've ever read on this forum

No…I’m saying that if I die, my bereaved husband and children will have a community of people around to love and support them.

I never questioned whether or not I could handle everything if my husband died!

And that establishing that community just in case something happened was a reason to SAH with your kids?

🤯

Yes. I mean, it’s nice to have a community for a variety of reasons, but this is one of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Ha! I became a SAHM (or worked very part time anyway) for kind of a similar reason. My cousin died when her kids were in elementary school, and they had this whole community of people that stepped up and made sure that they didn’t fall behind at school and still got to their extracurriculars and everything. I was working at the time and felt like I didn’t know anyone who also knew my kids and family. There just wasn’t enough time to devote to those relationships. I took a few years and built up our network of friends and family that were involved in our lives and involved with our kids.

Are you saying others should raise your kids when you are not able to provide for them in case of your husband's death? This is the crazier s..t I've ever read on this forum

No…I’m saying that if I die, my bereaved husband and children will have a community of people around to love and support them.

I never questioned whether or not I could handle everything if my husband died!

And that establishing that community just in case something happened was a reason to SAH with your kids?

🤯

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Insurance policies can cover dire situations. Sah, for my family, was worth the risk of the types of disaster scenarios pps have brought out. Being with my young children every day and being there before and after school and to care for them when they were sick means more to me and dh than any amount of money. This isn't a knock on anyone else's choices. We both felt having an at home parent was our top priority and the best way to ensure our children grew up in the home and family we desired for them. That is what we valued the most. It went well and the kids are great.

Insurance only goes so far, unfortunately. I remember a horrible moment where my Dad pointed out that we had Insurance for if he died but the insurance didn't remotely cover the cost of "Dad's brain isn't working".

The pressure on my Dad and the horrible feeling of failure he had when he couldn't fill that role through no fault of his own. I never want anyone I love to feel like that.

That sounds traumatic for the whole family. Fortunately, brain cancer is rare and my family made it through my being home without any major financial distress. My father also had a life altering medical emergency and condition starting when I was 11. I was traumatized by that, for sure. It is also part of the reason I wanted to spend every day with my young kids. I would do it again.

I mean it goes both ways. Mom working means Dad gets to spend more time with the kids too.

I don’t think this is very common

Actually it is an established fact that fathers with working spouses consistently spend more time on child care than those with stay-at-home partners.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4568757/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Insurance policies can cover dire situations. Sah, for my family, was worth the risk of the types of disaster scenarios pps have brought out. Being with my young children every day and being there before and after school and to care for them when they were sick means more to me and dh than any amount of money. This isn't a knock on anyone else's choices. We both felt having an at home parent was our top priority and the best way to ensure our children grew up in the home and family we desired for them. That is what we valued the most. It went well and the kids are great.

Insurance only goes so far, unfortunately. I remember a horrible moment where my Dad pointed out that we had Insurance for if he died but the insurance didn't remotely cover the cost of "Dad's brain isn't working".

The pressure on my Dad and the horrible feeling of failure he had when he couldn't fill that role through no fault of his own. I never want anyone I love to feel like that.

That sounds traumatic for the whole family. Fortunately, brain cancer is rare and my family made it through my being home without any major financial distress. My father also had a life altering medical emergency and condition starting when I was 11. I was traumatized by that, for sure. It is also part of the reason I wanted to spend every day with my young kids. I would do it again.

I mean it goes both ways. Mom working means Dad gets to spend more time with the kids too.

I don’t think this is very common

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both work, he's doing more of the chores and childcare right now because I'm 8 months pregnant with our second and I've reached the uncomfortable and always tired stage. With our first I handled the vast majority of night wake ups because I chose to breastfeed.

I of course handled all the house stuff when his mom got sick and he was with her for her surgeries and chemo.

It's not a constant bean counting thing, you have to be a team.

+1000

Your point also goes to the OP, which is that you need to be with someone who agrees to work with you on life. Guaranteed you'll be thrown a curveball or two, so the point to OP is that you need to find someone who understands your feelings on something but is also flexible enough to handle changes to that. I would never marry someone who said they would never let their wife work or they would definitely want a SAHM. Too many things could happen that could change that scenario, and being married to someone who has one rigid idea of how things go is a recipe for disaster.

I'm a woman who'd never be a SAHM, because my mom was and I experienced what happens as a kid when your Dad gets diagnosed with brain cancer and all of a sudden your SAHM has to scramble to figure out working so you don't lose the house. My sister was just a baby when this happened. My grandmother helped us out to the extent she could. Dad ended up okay but it could have gone differently.

Life really does throw curveballs, you can't plan for everything but I at least can make sure I'm not in that position.

Ha! I became a SAHM (or worked very part time anyway) for kind of a similar reason. My cousin died when her kids were in elementary school, and they had this whole community of people that stepped up and made sure that they didn’t fall behind at school and still got to their extracurriculars and everything. I was working at the time and felt like I didn’t know anyone who also knew my kids and family. There just wasn’t enough time to devote to those relationships. I took a few years and built up our network of friends and family that were involved in our lives and involved with our kids.

Are you saying others should raise your kids when you are not able to provide for them in case of your husband's death? This is the crazier s..t I've ever read on this forum

No…I’m saying that if I die, my bereaved husband and children will have a community of people around to love and support them.

I never questioned whether or not I could handle everything if my husband died!