Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

But if you were not remarried, she would get so much financial aid. I do think the step father has some obligation. You are a married couple. It is your joint responsibility to take care of the offspring even the “steps.” I do think it’s very convenient for him to “keep his finances separate.” That is not what most married couples do. I can completely understand why she would be bitter. Remember, she is quite young. $30k won’t even pay for UMD.

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

Anonymous wrote:OP let her emancipate herself from you and then she will be eligible for FA

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I feel for you, OP. You have done well to provide for your daughter, you live comfortably with your new husband. Your daughter needs to get over this somehow. She can make the choice: graciously accept the $30K you provide, and then decide if she wants to put that towards a more affordable, good school like UMD, or beg/whine/take out loans to go somewhere more expensive/private/prestigious. Maybe she's not at a maturity level to actually make this decision yet. Can she take a gap year, work somewhere, save money, THINK a little before making this decision of where to go/what is worth it?

You sound like a great mom. You're doing great, mama

I think I got a total of $1,000 from my parents when I got off to college, and a decade later I still have $65,000 in student loans, but I did work-study, did what I had to do, and made it work. Not many people even have a mother like you who's financially stable enough to provide such a chunk of money.

I did work-study,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I feel for you, OP. You have done well to provide for your daughter, you live comfortably with your new husband. Your daughter needs to get over this somehow. She can make the choice: graciously accept the $30K you provide, and then decide if she wants to put that towards a more affordable, good school like UMD, or beg/whine/take out loans to go somewhere more expensive/private/prestigious. Maybe she's not at a maturity level to actually make this decision yet. Can she take a gap year, work somewhere, save money, THINK a little before making this decision of where to go/what is worth it?

You sound like a great mom. You're doing great, mama

I think I got a total of $1,000 from my parents when I got off to college, and a decade later I still have $65,000 in student loans, but I did work-study, did what I had to do, and made it work. Not many people even have a mother like you who's financially stable enough to provide such a chunk of money.

Hi OP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

I feel for you, OP. You have done well to provide for your daughter, you live comfortably with your new husband. Your daughter needs to get over this somehow. She can make the choice: graciously accept the $30K you provide, and then decide if she wants to put that towards a more affordable, good school like UMD, or beg/whine/take out loans to go somewhere more expensive/private/prestigious. Maybe she's not at a maturity level to actually make this decision yet. Can she take a gap year, work somewhere, save money, THINK a little before making this decision of where to go/what is worth it?

You sound like a great mom. You're doing great, mama

I think I got a total of $1,000 from my parents when I got off to college, and a decade later I still have $65,000 in student loans, but I did work-study, did what I had to do, and made it work. Not many people even have a mother like you who's financially stable enough to provide such a chunk of money.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe for a minute that you don’t share finances. It’s not like your husband goes out for a nice dinner then says “Ok, honey, we’ll swing by Mcdonald’s for your cheeseburger, be sure to venmo me the amount”.

What did you think would happen by marrying this guy and then exposing your kid to a higher standard of living? She observes everything you and your husband do and also what the stepkids do, if her stepsister comes home with a nice guy and says “oh, we met at Yale” your daughter is going to think “too bad I’ll never meet a nice guy at Yale, I’ll never get to even have the chance to go to Yale”.

How exactly is your new husband generous? What does he actually do that makes him generous? Giving money to random relatives like Mr. Moneybags or to random charity organizations doesn’t count, not when he’s got a relationship with a real live human being who he can get to know.

I’m not your biggest fan, op. If you and your husband didn’t have the money, that’d be one thing. If she wasn’t literally surrounded by kids talking about the things she can’t do, that’d be fine also. You have really put her in a miserable position, and you need to know that.

Don’t be surprised if she ignores your husband in the future, and then if she ignores you by association. It is within your power and the man that you married to solve this issue, and you are choosing not to. This isn’t a boyfriend, this is a husband. In a year, she won’t have any ties to you either, i.e. she’ll be an adult. Be careful what lessons you are teaching her.

I think it's beyond generous to agree to provide for a child that's not yours. Yes you agreed to it but you can't over look how magnanimous a person must be to want to do that. I don't have that in my DNA. I would be er provide for another person's offspring. By provide I mean food, shelter and other basic needs beyond what her mother could give. It's not this man's job to pay for her daughter to go to college. Maybe the op should ask her husband if she can temporarily contribute less to share expenses in exchange for her providing more for her daughters education?