Anonymous
12/10/2019 10:43
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
His aspergers and verbal abuse.
Anonymous
12/10/2019 09:49
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
It sounds like she is doing that stuff for YOUR KIDS. Or did you mis-type that SHE is going back to school and taking ballet herself????
It sounds like she is trying to be a good mom and expose YOUR kids to lots of experiences. Kiddos to her. You're pathetic.
No. The number one thing you can do to "be a good parent" - the best thing you can do "for your kids" - is ensure you have a good, solid, loving relationship with your spouse. All that school / ballet / church crap - none of that will matter a damn to the kids if their parents wind up getting divorced. They'd rather have two loving parents and forego the "lots of experiences" than have "lots of experiences" and two exhausted parents who barely even talk to each other.
Anonymous
12/10/2019 09:02
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
DH works too much. He comes home late most nights and works many weekends. On top of it, he will volunteer to work the holidays too. And no he isn’t cheating. He has a demanding specialty full job and took a second weekend job, that financially, I think is entirely unnecessary. He happily works this much and gets angry if I complain about it.
Anonymous
12/10/2019 08:50
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse (possible asbergers) - 17 year marriage, 2 kids, pattern of him barking at me and I retreat. I use the word bark because it’s how it feels, for small things, I’ve addressed it with him, he refuses to get help. He has anger issues that have gone untreated, and unless he gets therapy to work on himself I’m afraid nothing will change. I had an epiphany today actually that there are 3 key ingredients to an everlasting marriage: 1) good communication; 2) sex and 3) intimacy. We have lost intimacy, and that’s the poison right now eating at the connection. He barked at me the other day over a simple request and so again we go weeks without talking or sharing or planning or laughing. I understand why people cheat, it’s the loss of intimacy. I keep saying that shouting at the top of your lungs about some perceived slight is not good foreplay. All these sexless marriages, hers’s a tip: be kind and nice and try to work on the intimacy, being gentle, thoughtful, like when you first started dating, because no woman wants to sit next to you let alone have sex if you don’t show you care about your wife, apologize when you are wrong, own up to it, and don’t take your wife for granted.
This. ^^^ Sans the asbergers but he does have something going on. I couldn't have written it better. So tired of the cycle. We will be fine for a couple days and then he will have another outburst. I will retreat, cry silently, review all my options and remember that I need to hang on until kids are older, make a long sigh followed by mutual silent treatment for days. Intimacy and sex no longer exist in this marriage. Starting to understand why some people emotionally cheat. I have retreated from social life because I can't stand going to places a a family. I feel like a fraud. My heart breaks not for my marriage but for my kids. I feel guilty they are being raised in a home with parents who have no love for each other.
Anonymous
12/10/2019 07:20
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
I'm the poster who recommended you take on your wife's chores for a year.
All I hear from you is excuses (my wife doesn't do x, she does too much of y etc.). Do you really want to make this happen and make it happen with your wife? You backing out on this for a year means you acknowledge that your wife is overworked.
Dude, kids and school activities are not negotiable (didn't you also want kids in your relationship?). What are you thinking? There may be some other activities that may be negotiable.
You sound like you want to do the right thing. Just find a way. I'd be fired at my work if all I ever did is find excuses for why things can't happen rather than solutions.
Where are your solutions that are fair to you and your wife/kids?
Anonymous
12/10/2019 06:19
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
I have to say that I would be receptive if my husband told me that he felt like kids' ballet and church stuff was causing problems in our marriage or our family because he wanted to spend more time at home together or he just wanted to see me more relaxed at the end of the day.
Sometimes I take on stuff because of social pressure to take it, and I just keep doing it out of habit and this sort of belief that I can do more than other people can. I would definitely take a hard look at my to do list if DH thought it was causing an issue.
Yes, give up stuff you enjoy instead of your DH helping out with his fair share
Anonymous
12/10/2019 04:10
Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Money. Always, money.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 11:53
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
I have to say that I would be receptive if my husband told me that he felt like kids' ballet and church stuff was causing problems in our marriage or our family because he wanted to spend more time at home together or he just wanted to see me more relaxed at the end of the day.
Sometimes I take on stuff because of social pressure to take it, and I just keep doing it out of habit and this sort of belief that I can do more than other people can. I would definitely take a hard look at my to do list if DH thought it was causing an issue.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 11:50
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
It sounds like she is doing that stuff for YOUR KIDS. Or did you mis-type that SHE is going back to school and taking ballet herself????
It sounds like she is trying to be a good mom and expose YOUR kids to lots of experiences. Kiddos to her. You're pathetic.
Yep hopefully she wises up and sends him packing.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 11:18
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
It sounds like she is doing that stuff for YOUR KIDS. Or did you mis-type that SHE is going back to school and taking ballet herself????
It sounds like she is trying to be a good mom and expose YOUR kids to lots of experiences. Kiddos to her. You're pathetic.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 11:15
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
I know many men who would love to have someone like that.
I don't know many women into obligatory sex.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 11:14
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:^ it did get better over time but it took some time.
To the pp, it isn’t only about chores. It’s about turning on her mind. Only you know what would work best for her.
It’s about how considerate you are, how good attractive you make her feel about herself even when you don’t expect anything sexual for example. It’s not chores per se, it’s about being mindful of what she’s going through, acknowledging it, helping where it counts. Not sure if it makes sense.
Man who had an affair and I get this. Easier said than done. I thought about the way I treated AP - flirted with her, made her feel special, listened to her, brought her occasional small gifts - and realized I wasn't doing that for my wife. Problem is, even if I sent her flirty texts or gifts, she wouldn't be receptive to either. Point being, the wife has to be responsive to advances for this to work.
Your wife might not be responsive to flirtation if you have not reached the level of being an equal partner in your day to day life. For example, if she is doing the bulk of the chores, social planning, child rearing, and financial planning, she doesn’t have any bandwidth to respond to romantic overtures from you.
DH probably does more chores than I do. But he is too tired to be romantic a lot. We are both tired at this stage in life!
You are typical male with an erect penis. You think flirty texts or gifts would get your wife to have sex with you. LOL. You're dumb. It takes a lot more than that - how about you be a parent and a partner? It most likely will take a few years to earn back the damage your lack of participation caused.
FOr now, focus on parenting and supporting her and your household. Keep your penis in your pants!
Anonymous
12/09/2019 10:34
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.
I know many men who would love to have someone like that.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 10:33
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
If you're the one that has a AP I'll bet she knows or suspects. She's smartly making a life without you, heck I wouldn't have sex if my spouse was cheating with trash. Not worth a life changing std.
Anonymous
12/09/2019 10:23
Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp poster (the one who started the post with I think it’s patience). Also have to let your wife know how important sex is to you. I’m not sure I knew until i heard it and really processed it.
Take up that challenge where you do everything she does for a year and let us know how you fare.
No no no, she chooses to do a lot of things - kids’ school, kids’ ballet, church stuff - that I am not going to even attempt to do after working 50 hours a week. That’s her choice; she is choosing to be overloaded, to fail.
yes she should give up things she likes, like the church and stop being a good mom.