Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

I am constantly amazed at how people are so unappreciative of what it takes to run a household and the lack of appreciation of their spouse’s contributions. I mean, who is cleaning your gutters and spending both weekend days for a couple of months dealing with leaves and putting up holiday lights and staining the deck and fence and aerating the yard in the spring and painting when you want to change the color of a room and replacing the broken garbage
Disposal after going to Home Depot to buy a new one and fixing the leaking toilet and installing a new light fixture that you either wanted or needed and replacing the pipe that broke in your basement . . . Oh and dealing with electronics - give me camp forms any day over this.

And yes, had it been necessary, my kids’ other parent could have done the dentist appointment and bedtime and the camp forms. My spouse is not incompetent. But it was more efficient and preferable to both of us that I take care Of these things.

I have always thought I got the better end of the deal being able to do only the parts of family life that I like to do - as did my spouse. And that didn’t happen by accident or by splitting every area of responsibility between us.

Your derailing the thread with lengthy posts about yourself is irrelevant to OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Some things that worked for convincing my DH to act like an adult (but it is a work in progress helped by the fact that our child is getting older and parenting is less intense):
1. Naming abuse accurately as abuse
2. Physically putting my body between me and child when he loses control and telling him "get away from her, do not ever do that again"
3. Telling DH he needs to take a parenting class and it is not up to me to find a class or sign him up, I am not minder and he needs to take full responsibility for it

OP again, thank you for these suggestions, this is what I'm going to do, in addition to making him go to a therapist who specializes int anger management. Sorry you are going through this too.

Some things that worked for convincing my DH to act like an adult (but it is a work in progress helped by the fact that our child is getting older and parenting is less intense):
1. Naming abuse accurately as abuse
2. Physically putting my body between me and child when he loses control and telling him "get away from her, do not ever do that again"
3. Telling DH he needs to take a parenting class and it is not up to me to find a class or sign him up, I am not minder and he needs to take full responsibility for it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not need to breastfeed a two year old. She should have taken one or both kids to the er or urgent care. How is this even an issue?

Because her DH was yelling about it instead of problem solving.

They both were arguing vs solving the problem. Op takes the child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's husband thought it made more sense for him to stay home with the toddler while OP took the older child to urgent care, he should be able to convey that verbally and calmly and work with his spouse to come to an agreement, quickly, on what they should do.

The point is not who goes to the doctor and who stays home. The point is that an adult and father should be able to work that out with his partner. Throwing a fit, yelling, banging things, making their sick child feel guilty for needing to go to the doctor -- these are not the actions of a responsible adult. OP was at least staying calm, soothing their kid, and trying to figure out a solution. That's what a parent should do.

+100

Anonymous wrote:If OP's husband thought it made more sense for him to stay home with the toddler while OP took the older child to urgent care, he should be able to convey that verbally and calmly and work with his spouse to come to an agreement, quickly, on what they should do.

The point is not who goes to the doctor and who stays home. The point is that an adult and father should be able to work that out with his partner. Throwing a fit, yelling, banging things, making their sick child feel guilty for needing to go to the doctor -- these are not the actions of a responsible adult. OP was at least staying calm, soothing their kid, and trying to figure out a solution. That's what a parent should do.

Anonymous wrote:If OP's husband thought it made more sense for him to stay home with the toddler while OP took the older child to urgent care, he should be able to convey that verbally and calmly and work with his spouse to come to an agreement, quickly, on what they should do.

The point is not who goes to the doctor and who stays home. The point is that an adult and father should be able to work that out with his partner. Throwing a fit, yelling, banging things, making their sick child feel guilty for needing to go to the doctor -- these are not the actions of a responsible adult. OP was at least staying calm, soothing their kid, and trying to figure out a solution. That's what a parent should do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op does not need to breastfeed a two year old. She should have taken one or both kids to the er or urgent care. How is this even an issue?

Because her DH was yelling about it instead of problem solving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

I am constantly amazed at how people are so unappreciative of what it takes to run a household and the lack of appreciation of their spouse’s contributions. I mean, who is cleaning your gutters and spending both weekend days for a couple of months dealing with leaves and putting up holiday lights and staining the deck and fence and aerating the yard in the spring and painting when you want to change the color of a room and replacing the broken garbage
Disposal after going to Home Depot to buy a new one and fixing the leaking toilet and installing a new light fixture that you either wanted or needed and replacing the pipe that broke in your basement . . . Oh and dealing with electronics - give me camp forms any day over this.

And yes, had it been necessary, my kids’ other parent could have done the dentist appointment and bedtime and the camp forms. My spouse is not incompetent. But it was more efficient and preferable to both of us that I take care Of these things.

I have always thought I got the better end of the deal being able to do only the parts of family life that I like to do - as did my spouse. And that didn’t happen by accident or by splitting every area of responsibility between us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

I am constantly amazed at how people are so unappreciative of what it takes to run a household and the lack of appreciation of their spouse’s contributions. I mean, who is cleaning your gutters and spending both weekend days for a couple of months dealing with leaves and putting up holiday lights and staining the deck and fence and aerating the yard in the spring and painting when you want to change the color of a room and replacing the broken garbage
Disposal after going to Home Depot to buy a new one and fixing the leaking toilet and installing a new light fixture that you either wanted or needed and replacing the pipe that broke in your basement . . . Oh and dealing with electronics - give me camp forms any day over this.

And yes, had it been necessary, my kids’ other parent could have done the dentist appointment and bedtime and the camp forms. My spouse is not incompetent. But it was more efficient and preferable to both of us that I take care Of these things.

I have always thought I got the better end of the deal being able to do only the parts of family life that I like to do - as did my spouse. And that didn’t happen by accident or by splitting every area of responsibility between us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

I am constantly amazed at how people are so unappreciative of what it takes to run a household and the lack of appreciation of their spouse’s contributions. I mean, who is cleaning your gutters and spending both weekend days for a couple of months dealing with leaves and putting up holiday lights and staining the deck and fence and aerating the yard in the spring and painting when you want to change the color of a room and replacing the broken garbage
Disposal after going to Home Depot to buy a new one and fixing the leaking toilet and installing a new light fixture that you either wanted or needed and replacing the pipe that broke in your basement . . . Oh and dealing with electronics - give me camp forms any day over this.

And yes, had it been necessary, my kids’ other parent could have done the dentist appointment and bedtime and the camp forms. My spouse is not incompetent. But it was more efficient and preferable to both of us that I take care Of these things.

I have always thought I got the better end of the deal being able to do only the parts of family life that I like to do - as did my spouse. And that didn’t happen by accident or by splitting every area of responsibility between us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Nothing preventing her from divorce.

Divorce.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How ridiculous. If you do nothing but childcare, you aren't doing your fair share. I would be miserable doing nothing but childcare.

Let me guess, you're a rwnj and think this is women's work anyway.