Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how the OP is conveniently avoiding talking about her sockpuppeting. She has no credibility, and to be perfectly honest, comes off as incredibly stupid, and posting to simply create more waves (she couldn’t tell DH’s twin sisters apart? Couldn’t tell that the maid was not a member of the family? WTF?).

Op here. I had to look up sockpuppet because I am unfamiliar with what that means in online forums. I may not have included I am the OP sometimes when I answer questions, but I haven't been saying I am Indian or Bangladeshi or identifying myself as a completely different person. I have two young kids and have been posting while being very distracted. I don't post or read this forum often. I found it five or so years ago when we were looking for a PT nanny. I came back for advice before this trip. There aren't as many Bangladeshi communities in the US as Indians, so it's hard to get basic details. Most of DH's family doesn't speak English, and none of his family lives in the US. I have been shocked and saddened by how condescending and disrespectful people are on this forum.

For people who are supposed to be highly educated, I am surprised they can't come up with an informed, intelligent, and sensible response. This is one of the things I love about Bangladesh. People do not seem mean-spirited at all. It doesn't make them feel good to put others down. They aren't spending their time looking for trouble online or obsessively looking at Facebook selfies of themselves. I think I will join them and live my life offline as much as possible because people say and do strange things when no one is around. Bangladesh may be underdeveloped in many ways, but they seem to have the happiness thing down, and I think it's because they understand a very fundamental thing, i.e., not to put others down. Isn't that all what we are seeking anyway? This is a huge difference my husband has tried to make me understand. According to him, Bangladeshi people are more humble and simple, and I don't think they sit around gossiping about others, putting people down. I see that with my sisters-in-law. It's not in their culture to do that. They try to think the best about others.

And for the people interested in Aarong, please know they ship to the US, and shipping is free if you spend more than $120. They have some really neat t-shirts and sweaters for kids, and the quality is really good!! They have spunky looks and also lots of polos that are preppy. You could have an entire wardrobe for your kids, probably minus maybe jeans and shorts for less than $100. Their collared shirts are also really fun... I love the prints for boys!! I don't have girls, but I am sure their clothing is also nice. I am referring to Western clothes for kids, but the website has both.

How can you possibly know how happy they are when you keep saying you can’t understand anything anybody is saying?

Also, assuming that poor people are happier because their lives are “simpler” is incredibly myopic and privileged. You have no idea of the challenges they may face.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how the OP is conveniently avoiding talking about her sockpuppeting. She has no credibility, and to be perfectly honest, comes off as incredibly stupid, and posting to simply create more waves (she couldn’t tell DH’s twin sisters apart? Couldn’t tell that the maid was not a member of the family? WTF?).

Op here. I had to look up sockpuppet because I am unfamiliar with what that means in online forums. I may not have included I am the OP sometimes when I answer questions, but I haven't been saying I am Indian or Bangladeshi or identifying myself as a completely different person. I have two young kids and have been posting while being very distracted. I don't post or read this forum often. I found it five or so years ago when we were looking for a PT nanny. I came back for advice before this trip. There aren't as many Bangladeshi communities in the US as Indians, so it's hard to get basic details. Most of DH's family doesn't speak English, and none of his family lives in the US. I have been shocked and saddened by how condescending and disrespectful people are on this forum.

For people who are supposed to be highly educated, I am surprised they can't come up with an informed, intelligent, and sensible response. This is one of the things I love about Bangladesh. People do not seem mean-spirited at all. It doesn't make them feel good to put others down. They aren't spending their time looking for trouble online or obsessively looking at Facebook selfies of themselves. I think I will join them and live my life offline as much as possible because people say and do strange things when no one is around. Bangladesh may be underdeveloped in many ways, but they seem to have the happiness thing down, and I think it's because they understand a very fundamental thing, i.e., not to put others down. Isn't that all what we are seeking anyway? This is a huge difference my husband has tried to make me understand. According to him, Bangladeshi people are more humble and simple, and I don't think they sit around gossiping about others, putting people down. I see that with my sisters-in-law. It's not in their culture to do that. They try to think the best about others.

And for the people interested in Aarong, please know they ship to the US, and shipping is free if you spend more than $120. They have some really neat t-shirts and sweaters for kids, and the quality is really good!! They have spunky looks and also lots of polos that are preppy. You could have an entire wardrobe for your kids, probably minus maybe jeans and shorts for less than $100. Their collared shirts are also really fun... I love the prints for boys!! I don't have girls, but I am sure their clothing is also nice. I am referring to Western clothes for kids, but the website has both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how the OP is conveniently avoiding talking about her sockpuppeting. She has no credibility, and to be perfectly honest, comes off as incredibly stupid, and posting to simply create more waves (she couldn’t tell DH’s twin sisters apart? Couldn’t tell that the maid was not a member of the family? WTF?).

Op here. I had to look up sockpuppet because I am unfamiliar with what that means in online forums. I may not have included I am the OP sometimes when I answer questions, but I haven't been saying I am Indian or Bangladeshi or identifying myself as a completely different person. I have two young kids and have been posting while being very distracted. I don't post or read this forum often. I found it five or so years ago when we were looking for a PT nanny. I came back for advice before this trip. There aren't as many Bangladeshi communities in the US as Indians, so it's hard to get basic details. Most of DH's family doesn't speak English, and none of his family lives in the US. I have been shocked and saddened by how condescending and disrespectful people are on this forum.

For people who are supposed to be highly educated, I am surprised they can't come up with an informed, intelligent, and sensible response. This is one of the things I love about Bangladesh. People do not seem mean-spirited at all. It doesn't make them feel good to put others down. They aren't spending their time looking for trouble online or obsessively looking at Facebook selfies of themselves. I think I will join them and live my life offline as much as possible because people say and do strange things when no one is around. Bangladesh may be underdeveloped in many ways, but they seem to have the happiness thing down, and I think it's because they understand a very fundamental thing, i.e., not to put others down. Isn't that all what we are seeking anyway? This is a huge difference my husband has tried to make me understand. According to him, Bangladeshi people are more humble and simple, and I don't think they sit around gossiping about others, putting people down. I see that with my sisters-in-law. It's not in their culture to do that. They try to think the best about others.

And for the people interested in Aarong, please know they ship to the US, and shipping is free if you spend more than $120. They have some really neat t-shirts and sweaters for kids, and the quality is really good!! They have spunky looks and also lots of polos that are preppy. You could have an entire wardrobe for your kids, probably minus maybe jeans and shorts for less than $100. Their collared shirts are also really fun... I love the prints for boys!! I don't have girls, but I am sure their clothing is also nice. I am referring to Western clothes for kids, but the website has both.

Anonymous wrote:I like how the OP is conveniently avoiding talking about her sockpuppeting. She has no credibility, and to be perfectly honest, comes off as incredibly stupid, and posting to simply create more waves (she couldn’t tell DH’s twin sisters apart? Couldn’t tell that the maid was not a member of the family? WTF?).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how the OP is conveniently avoiding talking about her sockpuppeting. She has no credibility, and to be perfectly honest, comes off as incredibly stupid, and posting to simply create more waves (she couldn’t tell DH’s twin sisters apart? Couldn’t tell that the maid was not a member of the family? WTF?).

And you sound incredibly trashy. A lot of the work is done outside. She's probably seeing so many different people and not around to do where the laundry is being washed or dishes washed. It can all be done outside in their yard there.

Anonymous wrote:I like how the OP is conveniently avoiding talking about her sockpuppeting. She has no credibility, and to be perfectly honest, comes off as incredibly stupid, and posting to simply create more waves (she couldn’t tell DH’s twin sisters apart? Couldn’t tell that the maid was not a member of the family? WTF?).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

This is what I thought/was hoping you would say. I'm jealous but also a little worried about exploitation. It all worked out well? It sounds ideal if both sides are happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

That really sounds like exploitation. Even with the exchange rate.
In India in cities like Delhi, Bangalore, Mumbai maids are paid quite well. I remember seeing a photo essay about the Bangladeshi upper class women who employ housemaids and their maids sitting side by side.



In Delhi, my mom employs 4 part time maids - sweeping and mopping, bathroom washing, dish washing, dusting, sweeping the yard and cooking food. She is paying 35K Indian rupees (420 $) per month. Each of these maids make around 25-35K each month from working in multiple homes, and that is almost as much as someone would make working in a call center.

My mom is generous with tips during holidays because she knows that her household is running smoothly thanks to these ladies. In fact, when we visit my mom, we also tip generously and take gifts from the US for them because don't want them to feel that they had to work harder because we were visiting. My MIL is the same. She wants all of us to give at least $50- $100 to each of the servants when our visit concludes. And frankly, we are happy to do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

It sounds like you live in a bubble

https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/diu/story/less-than-10-percent-indian-men-involved-household-chores-survey-1731199-2020-10-13

No. As I said, it is purely a SES issue.

In India, everyone in our circles and in our family have daily maids for chores. Each household has a daily cook who comes once or twice and cooks for the family or guests.

My nephews who are single young men working in big cities and living with flatmates have daily cooks who come in the morning before they leave for office and make their breakfast, pack their lunch and make dinner for them and keep it in the refrigerator.

In US, we cut down expenses on other things and paid for cleaners and landscapers. Now we can afford help when entertaining and pay for cooks, servers and bartenders when we are entertaining.

People may balk at the cost of domestic help in India or US, but, help is available in both countries if you are willing to pay a fair wage.

Yes, and only a tiny percentage of people in the US, regardless of ethnic background, can afford this level of domestic help therefore, as previously stated, you obviously live in a bubble that is not representative of most Indian immigrants and your feigned shock in your prior post

“ Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. ”

just makes you sound ridiculous and out of touch. I’m betting you also post in the money and finances forum wondering how families can possibly survive on less than 250k per year.

No. Any Indian family with 150K HHI in this area can live a very comfortable life. And yes, no Indian man that I know in the US is not helping with running of the household, especially if the wife is working and they have kids.

As I said - it is probably a SES issue and the kind of families these Indians have come from. Indians are usually quite educated, bilingual, employable and are the highest HHI group in the US. The kind of Indians you are describing sound like someone out of "The Namesake". Typical Boomers who came in the 60s and 70s. The kinds who used to get excited to see Dhania Patta in the grocery stores. Lazy people do not make it big in this country.

As an Indian myself - who cares? No one cares how your DH does housework or you have an auntie down the block making your chicken curry for the week so you don't have to? (And before you scream jealousy - mine also does housework and cooks and yes there are ladies who will cook for us who we've used on occasion if we want Indian food though we don't eat much of it.)

This is about OP's current situation in Bangladesh + how her DH is behaving IN BANGLADESH. As a post above lays out - often these kinds of men are very normal in the US because that's what they see others doing and they want to make their marriages work so they do everything from grocery shopping to picking up the kids from school to some cooking. Transport them back home to mommy and sister for a month and they are SOOOOO worried about what mommy and sister will think that they are willing to screw over their own wives and kids at every turn of the step bc they are too scared that mommy will judge them for picking up a space heater, so they'd rather their wive and kids just be uncomfortable for the month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

This is what I thought/was hoping you would say. I'm jealous but also a little worried about exploitation. It all worked out well? It sounds ideal if both sides are happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

Op here. I don't have time to go through this but dh told me just now for $7 a MONTH his mom employs a maid to clean the floors and dishes. I don't believe that. I think she gets more. Dh has been gone so long I think he gets mixed up sometimes.

My mother’s maid in India would laugh hysterically if she heard that. Your DH’s head is stuck in time like 50 years ago.

I don't know if that's necessarily true because as this forum has proven Bangladesh isn't India. There are big differences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think people are being overly tough on you. You know that 95% of these comments are made by middle-aged women living in upper-class comfort who would HATE to be where you are right now.

I'm not sure why you went though given the circumstances. There is room for compromise here. I’d shorten the trip or insist on the remainder being in a hotel.

100% agree. I'm an UC 59 year old and there's no way I would have gone, and I'm married to a person born in a 3rd world country (India). Fortunately, he has no desire to go back.

Your loss. India is a wonderful country.

Meh, plenty of good Indian restaurants right here in the good old USA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

If you live in places in the US that have a sizable Indian population you can either get aunties to come and cook in your home or pick up ready-made meals, often a few days or a week’s worth of food. The prices are very reasonable.

This is what I thought/was hoping you would say. I'm jealous but also a little worried about exploitation. It all worked out well? It sounds ideal if both sides are happy.