Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 10:38     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
"So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? "

Get a physical to make sure there's no hormonal or other biological reason for the loss of desire? Think about what fantasies you used to have? Masturbate regularly? What HAVE you done to gin up your desire?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 10:36     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
8:47, I'd advise you to fake desire then and actually initiate some times. You have to understand that your spouse is feeling undesirable, and that's as bad as feeling used for sex.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 10:33     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 10:18     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Marriage is like a ship. You have to scrape off the barnacles from time to time.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 09:52     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think one problem is that you keep talking about wanting sex, and not about wanting sex with her. If she feels that you just want sex, and that it really could be with anybody or anything, well... she is a woman. this is definitely going to turn 90% of women off. If instead you spoke of a strong need to express your deep love for her physically, that is something that most woman will listen to... You may not like this, but most women are this way. I think eventually most woman would stop wanting to have sex with you if you don't learn to give them what they need as well, and it seems you don't know what their needs are or care in any way to satisfy them (to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to feel special)


+1 million, yes.


I agree with this as well. My ex used to tell me how much he wanted sex as well. I felt that it was the need for him vs. the mutual desires of both. It felt like I was his recepticle. Also, he started witholding things I cared about because he felt his needs were not getting met (foot rubs, hugs, etc). It was a vicious cycle because those are the small things that would have made me want to be with him.

Anyway, here's an interesting article I came across this morning "Is Bad Sex a Good Enough Reason to Divorce?" Much of it rang true for me and will probably ring true for others:

http://thewomanformerlyknownasbeautiful.com/2012/12/is-bad-sex-a-good-enough-reason-to-divorce.html


Unfortunately, giving him his needs would have made him not withhold the footruns and hugs. vicious cycle indeed.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 09:47     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think one problem is that you keep talking about wanting sex, and not about wanting sex with her. If she feels that you just want sex, and that it really could be with anybody or anything, well... she is a woman. this is definitely going to turn 90% of women off. If instead you spoke of a strong need to express your deep love for her physically, that is something that most woman will listen to... You may not like this, but most women are this way. I think eventually most woman would stop wanting to have sex with you if you don't learn to give them what they need as well, and it seems you don't know what their needs are or care in any way to satisfy them (to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to feel special)


+1 million, yes.


I agree with this as well. My ex used to tell me how much he wanted sex as well. I felt that it was the need for him vs. the mutual desires of both. It felt like I was his recepticle. Also, he started witholding things I cared about because he felt his needs were not getting met (foot rubs, hugs, etc). It was a vicious cycle because those are the small things that would have made me want to be with him.

Anyway, here's an interesting article I came across this morning "Is Bad Sex a Good Enough Reason to Divorce?" Much of it rang true for me and will probably ring true for others:

http://thewomanformerlyknownasbeautiful.com/2012/12/is-bad-sex-a-good-enough-reason-to-divorce.html
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:58     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?



I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.


Do you ever want sex just for sex's sake, or is it always about making love for you? This is one thing I do not think LD spouses, especially LD women, understand. Sex can (and should, IMO) cover the full range of desire - pure physicality, almost pure emotional connection and every kind of lovemaking in between. If you insist that your partner try to make you want sex every time, that's not going to lead to more sex.


No, frankly, I don't ever want sex just for the sake of it anymore. I can't gin up some physical "want" that I don't have. Does this make me an evil troll? I guess to you it does. So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? I'm not in control of my physiology in that aspect anymore than you sex-crazed HD's are in charge of yours. I am willing to work with DH to create a sex life that works for both of us. Somehow that's apparently not good enough, and I should flagellate myself daily to atone for the deep, dark sin of not wanting to have sex constantly.


That would be half the battle won for me, the OP.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:48     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:I think one problem is that you keep talking about wanting sex, and not about wanting sex with her. If she feels that you just want sex, and that it really could be with anybody or anything, well... she is a woman. this is definitely going to turn 90% of women off. If instead you spoke of a strong need to express your deep love for her physically, that is something that most woman will listen to... You may not like this, but most women are this way. I think eventually most woman would stop wanting to have sex with you if you don't learn to give them what they need as well, and it seems you don't know what their needs are or care in any way to satisfy them (to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to feel special)


+1 million, yes.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:47     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?



I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.


Do you ever want sex just for sex's sake, or is it always about making love for you? This is one thing I do not think LD spouses, especially LD women, understand. Sex can (and should, IMO) cover the full range of desire - pure physicality, almost pure emotional connection and every kind of lovemaking in between. If you insist that your partner try to make you want sex every time, that's not going to lead to more sex.


No, frankly, I don't ever want sex just for the sake of it anymore. I can't gin up some physical "want" that I don't have. Does this make me an evil troll? I guess to you it does. So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? I'm not in control of my physiology in that aspect anymore than you sex-crazed HD's are in charge of yours. I am willing to work with DH to create a sex life that works for both of us. Somehow that's apparently not good enough, and I should flagellate myself daily to atone for the deep, dark sin of not wanting to have sex constantly.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:47     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
I think one problem is that you keep talking about wanting sex, and not about wanting sex with her. If she feels that you just want sex, and that it really could be with anybody or anything, well... she is a woman. this is definitely going to turn 90% of women off. If instead you spoke of a strong need to express your deep love for her physically, that is something that most woman will listen to... You may not like this, but most women are this way. I think eventually most woman would stop wanting to have sex with you if you don't learn to give them what they need as well, and it seems you don't know what their needs are or care in any way to satisfy them (to feel loved, to feel beautiful, to feel special)
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:44     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?



I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.


Do you ever want sex just for sex's sake, or is it always about making love for you? This is one thing I do not think LD spouses, especially LD women, understand. Sex can (and should, IMO) cover the full range of desire - pure physicality, almost pure emotional connection and every kind of lovemaking in between. If you insist that your partner try to make you want sex every time, that's not going to lead to more sex.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:36     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

If I recall correctly, things ramped up when they were trying to conceive. Which reminds me of another piece of my resentment toward DW when we went through similar issues -- recalling that, when she wanted to have our number 2, she had absolutely no problem making an effort for sex. When she thought it was important, she made an effort.


This is probably the most frustrating thing for me. Now sex is a chore for her, but when we were TTC she was so much more receptive and into sex. A shame it didn't take us longer. lol



OP here. The same ting happened to us. I had a 2 week blitz of sex because we were TTC and it worked too well. Got pregnant the first cycle. Game . Set . Match.


So what if avoiding pregnancy were both of your responsibilities? What if you had to abstain when she was fertile if you did want want to welcome another child? What if you shared that burden? What if it were a mutual sacrifice, instead of a pill or a device?

She used you to have a baby. Now you want to use her for personal gratification without having a baby. Two people using each other. Not healthy.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:25     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
OP, it's OK to let your spouse know that you need more sex. You just have to do it in a loving way. You may need the help of a counselor to communicate it in a way that she can hear it and respond to it, for the betterment of your marriage.

I've been where your wife is - so stressed, angry, and resentful of my husband for not doing his share of the heavy lifting in our family. It's very hard, almost impossible, to be full of desire when you are feeling that way.

Your problem is not unusual. See someone who can help you guys get through it. Your family is worth it.

Ask yourself, if you daughter were in a marriage like yours, how would you want her husband to handle this situation? How would you want him to communicate his needs to her? If you can love your wife THAT much - the way you do your own child - while you think about how to proceed, it should help.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2012 08:22     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

If I recall correctly, things ramped up when they were trying to conceive. Which reminds me of another piece of my resentment toward DW when we went through similar issues -- recalling that, when she wanted to have our number 2, she had absolutely no problem making an effort for sex. When she thought it was important, she made an effort.


This is probably the most frustrating thing for me. Now sex is a chore for her, but when we were TTC she was so much more receptive and into sex. A shame it didn't take us longer. lol



OP here. The same ting happened to us. I had a 2 week blitz of sex because we were TTC and it worked too well. Got pregnant the first cycle. Game . Set . Match.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 19:12     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is low desire and then there is low desire for THAT PERSON.

That is what happened to DH and me. We screwed up. We let resentments build up. We held grudges instead of forgiving. We didn't deal with things. And then sex becomes easier to do with yourself, or for DH, to use porn (I don't need porn, just my hand and a few quiet minutes and I get have a multiple orgasm that lasts several minutes).

It's hard to be married and be with someone for years and have kids with them and not build up resentments.

I don't know the answer, but if you are still reading OP, it sounds like both you and your wife have checked out of the marriage. Counseling could help. It helped us. Also, just a lot of hard work, recommitting to the marriage, putting her first even when you really, really don't want to. That's really hard but if you make changes, I can almost guarantee you will too. Work on the marriage and reconnecting as friends and then the sex issues start resolving.


+1000 - Kudos. Great answer.


I have basically been saying the same this entire thread and have been attacked repeatedly.