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Anonymous wrote:I don't get this discussion: I always hear that cheating is about opportunity and so why is it so bad to say to limit close exposure like in this situation?

Exactly this. Eliminate the opportunity. There is nothing wrong with doing this. Clearly DH has already noticed nanny, commented on her and mulled over her attractiveness. It's a human reaction. Relationship 101 is not putting yourself in situations where conflict can occur. Nobody is perfect so do your best to put your marriage on the best path. And yes, a household employee is completely different from an office employee. It is a significantly more intimate relationship working in someone's home. Why are we too PC to understand that?

noticed the nanny - he's not blind, every single person will notice her because she's a living, breathing human being within their line of vision

commented on her - told his friend she was hot

mulled over her attractiveness - you are reaching here and having to fabricate facts to make your narrative fit because this didn't happen

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this thread in a few years when you’re “blindsided” by your husband’s affair, cool ladies of DCUM... sorry you were too dorky to get all the sexual innuendo talk with your girlfriends out of your systems in high school, like normal people.

I love that you think that the women who have a healthy relationship with their husbands where they can talk about all sorts of things, including that they (gasp!) find other people attractive, are the ones who are going to get cheated on, rather than the ones who are HORRIFIED by what happened and suggesting that OP fire the nanny because their husbands can't be within 100 yards of an attractive woman or their pants will come off. OK.....

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Anonymous wrote:OP— you need to let your nanny go. No question.

So she should fire this nanny in the middle of a pandemic, when getting a new job would be very tough, because her creepy husband and obnoxious neighbor are making OP feel insecure? I bet you consider yourself a feminist, too....

Yes. The nanny’s job prospects are not OP’s problem.

Yes, you should definitely fire anyone who makes you feel insecure.

OP needs to work on her self esteem, not fire the nanny, who is probably the only well adjusted one in the bunch.

If you are overly attractive, 28, and a nanny- I would venture you are not well adjusted

Genuinely curious - why is the nanny not well adjusted?

Not me personally no but i can see why it would be a good choice with someone with a nurturing kind personality who genuinely loves children.

Would being a nanny be your career of choice at 28?

I can’t. Any job with benefits dealing with kids would be a better choice

Our nanny has health insurance, a retirement account, and a phone stipend, in addition to being reimbursed for mileage. She's 28, attractive, and loves kids. I think most of you people have never had a nanny.

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s kind of gross to me that these people even had a conversation about it. I get that it happens, but the idea of a group of people discussing the appearance of any woman behind their backs in these terms is sad to me. It’s sexual objectification of somebody who didn’t ask to be sexually objectified and that doesn’t seem okay to me. I don’t see how it’s that different from talking about somebody in an explicitly sexual way, like “she would be great in bed” or “her butt is super tight.” Why even have this conversation? Among grown adults? But that’s the way of the world I guess.

Do you honestly not know any men? It’s what they do and when together they talk about it. Heck women do to. Do you not do this with your friends? “Wow! That barista has hot.” Does that mean the next time you go there you slip him your phone number or a hotel room key? Of course not. Also, we women are pretty bad about objectifying the looks of other women and making some pretty horrible comments about each other. OPs husband made a innocent comment, that’s it. Everyone needs to get a grip!

The harpies in here are so insecure, they are all afraid of what men might do. It's not that they don't know men, they just want to be in denial that their DH is actually like other men. All other men.

I don’t do that. My friends and I would never sit around with my friends and talk about how my pool boy is hot. And if I did and it got back to my hisband I would feel chagrined about it. But I get that not everybody has my same values.

And I’m not insecure about my body, but I think we need to be kinder to those who are insecure. A lot of people are talking about how people need to be careful about hiring a nanny hotter than you are, so it’s clear that people consider the position OP is in precarious. Why wouldn’t somebody who is hearing that kind of thing feel a little insecure? Life is really unkind to aging women and we shouldn’t expect all women to be perfectly secure.

Your morality medal is in the mail.

Honestly I don't see it as a big deal. As long as your H brings the passion to you and is not acting like an ogre toward the nanny, it's normal human behavior.

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s kind of gross to me that these people even had a conversation about it. I get that it happens, but the idea of a group of people discussing the appearance of any woman behind their backs in these terms is sad to me. It’s sexual objectification of somebody who didn’t ask to be sexually objectified and that doesn’t seem okay to me. I don’t see how it’s that different from talking about somebody in an explicitly sexual way, like “she would be great in bed” or “her butt is super tight.” Why even have this conversation? Among grown adults? But that’s the way of the world I guess.

Since when is two people a group?

One person made a comment to another.

OP never said anything about a group discussion or a discussion period. Sounds like it was three comments at three separate times.

Jim said to Steve, “our nanny is hot”

Steve said Jill “Jim said their new nanny is hot/attractive.”

It is totally normal for two guys who are friends to talk about a woman (nanny or not) being hot. The friend shouldn't have told his wife--that was dumb. And that wife should not have told OP, but she was clearly trying to bother OP. OP took the bait.


Jill said to Suzy “Steve said Jim told him your new nanny is hot.”

Okay I didn't realize exactly how the conversations went, but to me it makes it even worse that two guys were discussing how hot the nanny is. But obviously that's just my opinion!

I'm aware that it's "normal" in that it happens a lot and isn't a sign of terrible character. Lots of things that are "normal" aren't okay with me. Frankly I don't think that you should say something behind your spouse's back that you wouldn't be okay with them hearing.

This.

I wouldn't care if my husband said behind my back that our nanny is hot and then I found out about it. Like, not one bit.

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s kind of gross to me that these people even had a conversation about it. I get that it happens, but the idea of a group of people discussing the appearance of any woman behind their backs in these terms is sad to me. It’s sexual objectification of somebody who didn’t ask to be sexually objectified and that doesn’t seem okay to me. I don’t see how it’s that different from talking about somebody in an explicitly sexual way, like “she would be great in bed” or “her butt is super tight.” Why even have this conversation? Among grown adults? But that’s the way of the world I guess.

You act like OP's husband and his best friend spent hours discussing, objectifying, and researching OP's nanny. Instead, an offhand comment about how the nanny is hot was said. I honestly don't know how you people manage to function in the real world, with as spun up about this as you're getting.

I function just fine, thanks.

And I’m not acting like I think these people were dissecting this woman’s looks for hours. I responded to the OP exactly how it was written. I don’t know why you are reading so much into my comment.

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Anonymous wrote:OP— you need to let your nanny go. No question.

And if you are not going to fire her, NEVER NEVER leave the 2 of them alone in the house, even if you are just gone for a minute up the street. I wouldn't even leave them in the same room alone if I was in the house. Trust your instincts! NEVER turn your back on the 2 of them when they are in the same room.

HOW DO YOU FUNCTION?!?!?

Do you never let your husband go to the grocery store alone? What if he met another woman there?!?

Do you never let your husband go on work trips? What if he slept with a co-worker?!?

For that matter, do you never let your husband work with women? What if he has an affair with one of them?!?

You better lock your husband up in the basement and never let him see another person, otherwise I guess he's going to cheat on you.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s kind of gross to me that these people even had a conversation about it. I get that it happens, but the idea of a group of people discussing the appearance of any woman behind their backs in these terms is sad to me. It’s sexual objectification of somebody who didn’t ask to be sexually objectified and that doesn’t seem okay to me. I don’t see how it’s that different from talking about somebody in an explicitly sexual way, like “she would be great in bed” or “her butt is super tight.” Why even have this conversation? Among grown adults? But that’s the way of the world I guess.

You act like OP's husband and his best friend spent hours discussing, objectifying, and researching OP's nanny. Instead, an offhand comment about how the nanny is hot was said. I honestly don't know how you people manage to function in the real world, with as spun up about this as you're getting.

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Anonymous wrote:Can someone please explain to me why women hate attractive women?

OP doesn't hate her nanny for being attractive- or hate her at all.

I 100% trust my husband and he works around women, many young and attractive, all day. But I would not hire a young and attractive nanny. A nanny is in your personal space and has an intimate relationship with your family. It isn't the same as a standard "employee" relationship.

You don't 100% trust your husband. If you did, what's the issue?

We have a hot nanny and she's amazing. I didn't hire her because of nor in spite of her looks.

Anonymous wrote:Get a new nanny. No marriage needs the added stress. It’s about security and avoiding conflict. People can try to be as PC as the like but it doesn’t erase the realities. Why parade a hot nanny in your house every day?

1) Because she's good with your kids
2) Because your kids love her
3) Because you're not insecure in your marriage
4) Because your husband isn't an a$$hole
5) Because you and your husband trust each other

I could go on but you won't listen no matter what I say.

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t bring it up to him. You both know she is pretty. He had enough sense to not make a distasteful comment to you directly about it.

Him telling a male friend the nanny is hot is just talk between friends. If we had a hot pool boy and I mentioned it to a girlfriend I wouldn’t expect my husband to be miffed. I don’t think he would care what so ever.

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I had two hot nannies. You sound insecure. He was telling his friend. All I cared is that they were good with my kids.

No. It’s completely disrespectful to both the OP and THE NANNY to talk about her that way. Think whatever you want but keep your thoughts in your head. OP should call him out on it, not because she’s upset that he recognizes the nanny is attractive, but because he is commenting on that attractiveness to anyone other than OP. It’s totally inappropriate.

good lord you have issues

Of course I do... But ain’t one an immature, inconsiderate, disrespectful DH...

You are absolutely sure your husband has never, ever commented to a friend that someone else - a stranger at a baseball game, a mutual friend, and yes, even the nanny - is hot?

Denial, as they say, is not . . . well, you know.

The only completely out of bounds woman to comment on, BTW, is a friend's daughter.

My husband isn’t an immature asshole... sorry you couldn’t do better.

Oh, sure he is. He just knows to conceal it from you.

Yes, and he manages to do this by, among other things, NOT verbalizing his immature asshole thoughts to friends and neighbors... glad you finally caught up.

You're right, he doesn't tell people, he just sleeps with the nanny. I'd pick OP's husband over yours any day.

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Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the comments but am chiming as a 36 year old mother of 4 with a objectively hot, dancer/actress nanny who is late twenties and a very sexual husband.

She is a great nanny to our kids and they love her. I’m sure my husband looks at her amazing butt from time to time, but I trust him 100% and wouldn’t have had all these kids with him or hiring a younger hot nanny if I didn’t trust him.

Also, if the tables were turned it would be totally normal for my besties and I to mention the hot lawn guy or pool boy or whatever to each other. I don’t see the issue in this as long as there is no action or much disrespectful talk. We are humans, we have eyes!

Just my opinion but I am confident in my sex life and my intuition.

This is the most sane comment on the whole thread.

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I think it was very uncool of the husband to say this, but it would be nuts to fire the nanny! That would be so unfair to the nanny and the kids. And I t doesn’t seem like the comment means he is going down the pathway to adultery at all.

And as far as exposure and opportunity goes, it is the husband’s responsibility to exercise self-control. If he senses temptation, he should stop himself from spending unnecessary time with her, from having personal conversations, etc. I wouldn’t want to be married to a guy who couldn’t refrain from sleeping with his nanny. It’s not like this is an entrapment situation. Men aren’t children; good ones can and should be expected to not screw the nanny.

I know people will say “well men will be men” but I think that’s crap and I expect better from my partner.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the comments but am chiming as a 36 year old mother of 4 with a objectively hot, dancer/actress nanny who is late twenties and a very sexual husband.

She is a great nanny to our kids and they love her. I’m sure my husband looks at her amazing butt from time to time, but I trust him 100% and wouldn’t have had all these kids with him or hiring a younger hot nanny if I didn’t trust him.

Also, if the tables were turned it would be totally normal for my besties and I to mention the hot lawn guy or pool boy or whatever to each other. I don’t see the issue in this as long as there is no action or much disrespectful talk. We are humans, we have eyes!

Just my opinion but I am confident in my sex life and my intuition.

This is the most sane comment on the whole thread.