Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 14:25     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

OP, I saw your update and I’m glad your wife was able to help your dad find a solution.

I do think it’s telling that your dad had vacation time that he could use as well FMLA and you were hung up on forcing your wife to accept the most unreasonable solution of all. Your title says your wife doesn’t want to pitch in, but you neglected to mention she was willing to go help on weekends. She was just unwilling to make a daily 2hour drive after work, when you have young kids at home. That’s completely reasonable.

I think you need to be very aware that when it comes to your family, you are not objective. You were willing to throw your wife under the bus and assign the worst motives to her objections. Be very careful going forward. Your wife is on your side but you’re going to destroy your relationship if you keep doubting her and painting her as the villain. Maybe she won’t divorce you right away, but your marriage will be over.



Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 14:20     Subject: Re:Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
STOP saying the sister is in the dark!

Here is what OP wrote:

My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

Sounds like the sister is being informed but not making decisions--burden of decision-making is correctly on the Dad.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 14:18     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Op's wife is jealous of Op's sister. It is crystal clear. It is also completely irrelevant. Op's wife needs to grow up.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 14:16     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


You're nuts. The boundary drawing is decades overdue. I guess we know who you are in this scenario.


Right. I talk to my brother on Tuesday about the plan to help Dad. I tell bro what I can do and I proceed to make adjustments to my own schedule, possibly ask for time off from work and hire a sitter for my kids to make those 2 check in days possible for me.

In the meantime, bro and my SIL have decided on a plan B with dad. And they have decided that I don't need to know about it until after the fact. Stupid me is still under the impression that I need to be over to sit with mom at 4:00 on Mondays and Tuesdays. How difficult could I be!

Come on. Op needs to talk to his sister. His wife needs to calm the hell down and stop treating sis like she's the enemy.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 14:10     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


You're nuts. The boundary drawing is decades overdue. I guess we know who you are in this scenario.


You seriously think that Op's wife should have had a say in whether or not her MIL watched her own daughter's children? Who is the one with boundary issues? The sister is not the one with the spite and resentment. She actually talked to her brother and told him what she could do to help. The ones being closed mouthed and weird are Op and his wife.

It's like they are saying "We'll help as long as we don't have to deal with sis" but just a day or so ago Op was discussing how to proceed with their check in plan for Dad. While Op's wife has decided to step up, she is also the one being the diva here. The question is, why.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:52     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


You're nuts. The boundary drawing is decades overdue. I guess we know who you are in this scenario.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:45     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


Are you the sister? Are you reading a different thread? NO ONE was trying to get the sister to do more. OP said she agreed to do one day, "maybe two." And OP was completely willing to accept that. He wasn't upset with his sister, but with his wife. You're projecting so much, just like the wife-haters who think she's a selfish heartless cow out for an inheritance based on NOTHING. In fact, she had a perfectly reasonable and practical suggestion, which she managed herself, and was willing to help on the weekends.


Op was the one bringing up the past history of his mom watching his sister's kids and his wife feeling resentful towards MIL and SIL because no one ever helped Op and his wife with their kids and blah, blah, blah, gag.

All of that was completely irrelevant and had nothing to do with the crisis at hand. Op's wife was not really being helpful at the time that Op posted and the plan that Op, his sister and his dad had come up with was not to his wife's liking...

Thankfully, Op's wife has decided to help her in-laws. It's just sad that the continued barbs at the sister (who is also losing her mom to a horrible disease) are continuing. I think it's mean spirited to keep sis in the dark about Medicaid. I don't understand why Op feels the need to do that. It's just seems mean to me.


It sounds like OP’ sister has a history of being self-centered and somewhat useless in a crisis, so the best way to move forward with getting OP’s mom the help she needs is not to involve the sister until it’s a done deal. It’s not like she gets a vote in her mom’s care if no one is asking her for anything, those decisions rest with OP’s dad.


If the sister was throwing up her hands and saying not my problem, she might warrant being kept in the dark. If she has clearly offered to help then I do not think it's right to keep her in the dark about things.

Believe me, I know all about the ones who say "not my problem" and even the ones who do things for their own gain. It makes me sick and I don't understand it.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:43     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Team Wife as well
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:41     Subject: Re:Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:This resonated with me because my SIL told my brother years ago that she was not going to get involved in our family dynamics. NOT that she was never going to help or be supportive; she does that all the time. But she always hated the way we handled conflict by avoiding it, how we handled things by text rather than calling, how certain siblings talk more to some siblings than others, how we all procrastinate etc. At the time, I thought it sounded kind of bitchy, but years have passed and she was oh, so right. She will give her opinion if asked, and helps out in a million ways, but she's not a decision maker for our parents and refuses to engage in any sniping or gossip with or about the siblings (e.g. "oh my god and she got years of free daycare).

I think the SIL was right to put the kibosh on an unsustainable and circuitous solution from the outset (pay more childcare, drive 2+ hours extra) and help steer everyone towards a (hopefully) better long-term solution.

Good luck to everyone in this situation - we have parents with degenerative conditions (Parkinson's, macular degeneration, dementia) and it is never easy to navigate the painful and expensive options.


It's the lack of communication that has otherwise good people working at cross purposes. If they would actually TALK and discuss what is going on and how things are being handled it would be so much better.

It just compounds an already difficult situation. How hard is it to say; "Sis, we're going to help Dad apply for Medicaid for Mom. At some point soon we'll need to start looking into some memory care facilities for her"

Don't make all these decisions and leave your sister hanging, worrying and wondering what on earth is going on. It's cruel to do that. Maybe borderline abusive, tbh.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:37     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


Are you the sister? Are you reading a different thread? NO ONE was trying to get the sister to do more. OP said she agreed to do one day, "maybe two." And OP was completely willing to accept that. He wasn't upset with his sister, but with his wife. You're projecting so much, just like the wife-haters who think she's a selfish heartless cow out for an inheritance based on NOTHING. In fact, she had a perfectly reasonable and practical suggestion, which she managed herself, and was willing to help on the weekends.


Op was the one bringing up the past history of his mom watching his sister's kids and his wife feeling resentful towards MIL and SIL because no one ever helped Op and his wife with their kids and blah, blah, blah, gag.

All of that was completely irrelevant and had nothing to do with the crisis at hand. Op's wife was not really being helpful at the time that Op posted and the plan that Op, his sister and his dad had come up with was not to his wife's liking...

Thankfully, Op's wife has decided to help her in-laws. It's just sad that the continued barbs at the sister (who is also losing her mom to a horrible disease) are continuing. I think it's mean spirited to keep sis in the dark about Medicaid. I don't understand why Op feels the need to do that. It's just seems mean to me.


It sounds like OP’ sister has a history of being self-centered and somewhat useless in a crisis, so the best way to move forward with getting OP’s mom the help she needs is not to involve the sister until it’s a done deal. It’s not like she gets a vote in her mom’s care if no one is asking her for anything, those decisions rest with OP’s dad.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:35     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.


I didn't see this update. I am so glad that your wife was able to offer some assistance. I'm sure it means the world to your dad. Take care and I am really sorry that you are going through this.


Op here, thank you.

My dad has weeks of vacation time banked up so he will just be staying at home for the time being until Medicaid comes through. My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.


OP you are making a big mistake by not being the one to talk to your dad and sister. Leave your wife out of those conversations.

Your job is to buffer your wife from your family, not force her to get involved.


DP. If OP’s wife were purely the messenger, I would tend to agree with you. But given her job, she’s probably the most knowledgeable one involved about things related to Medicaid and in-home care. If so, it makes a lot of sense for her to talk to OP’s dad directly so she can answer questions and provide information without going through a game of telephone that inevitably will lead to errors and misunderstandings.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:33     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


Are you the sister? Are you reading a different thread? NO ONE was trying to get the sister to do more. OP said she agreed to do one day, "maybe two." And OP was completely willing to accept that. He wasn't upset with his sister, but with his wife. You're projecting so much, just like the wife-haters who think she's a selfish heartless cow out for an inheritance based on NOTHING. In fact, she had a perfectly reasonable and practical suggestion, which she managed herself, and was willing to help on the weekends.


Op was the one bringing up the past history of his mom watching his sister's kids and his wife feeling resentful towards MIL and SIL because no one ever helped Op and his wife with their kids and blah, blah, blah, gag.

All of that was completely irrelevant and had nothing to do with the crisis at hand. Op's wife was not really being helpful at the time that Op posted and the plan that Op, his sister and his dad had come up with was not to his wife's liking...

Thankfully, Op's wife has decided to help her in-laws. It's just sad that the continued barbs at the sister (who is also losing her mom to a horrible disease) are continuing. I think it's mean spirited to keep sis in the dark about Medicaid. I don't understand why Op feels the need to do that. It's just seems mean to me.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:30     Subject: Re:Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
This resonated with me because my SIL told my brother years ago that she was not going to get involved in our family dynamics. NOT that she was never going to help or be supportive; she does that all the time. But she always hated the way we handled conflict by avoiding it, how we handled things by text rather than calling, how certain siblings talk more to some siblings than others, how we all procrastinate etc. At the time, I thought it sounded kind of bitchy, but years have passed and she was oh, so right. She will give her opinion if asked, and helps out in a million ways, but she's not a decision maker for our parents and refuses to engage in any sniping or gossip with or about the siblings (e.g. "oh my god and she got years of free daycare).

I think the SIL was right to put the kibosh on an unsustainable and circuitous solution from the outset (pay more childcare, drive 2+ hours extra) and help steer everyone towards a (hopefully) better long-term solution.

Good luck to everyone in this situation - we have parents with degenerative conditions (Parkinson's, macular degeneration, dementia) and it is never easy to navigate the painful and expensive options.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:27     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.


I didn't see this update. I am so glad that your wife was able to offer some assistance. I'm sure it means the world to your dad. Take care and I am really sorry that you are going through this.


Op here, thank you.

My dad has weeks of vacation time banked up so he will just be staying at home for the time being until Medicaid comes through. My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.


OP you are making a big mistake by not being the one to talk to your dad and sister. Leave your wife out of those conversations.

Your job is to buffer your wife from your family, not force her to get involved.
Anonymous
Post 05/19/2020 13:23     Subject: Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.


That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.


She does this for a living and Op does not....


So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.


I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.


Are you the sister? Are you reading a different thread? NO ONE was trying to get the sister to do more. OP said she agreed to do one day, "maybe two." And OP was completely willing to accept that. He wasn't upset with his sister, but with his wife. You're projecting so much, just like the wife-haters who think she's a selfish heartless cow out for an inheritance based on NOTHING. In fact, she had a perfectly reasonable and practical suggestion, which she managed herself, and was willing to help on the weekends.