Anonymous wrote:One of the early posters on the thread here.

People who are posting ever longer and more aggressive posts on this are missing an important point. There is no father involved in the thread; OP is likely a single mom. Perpetrator girls are "well connected". OP is aware of this.

The excluded kid and her mom, the OP, have some kind of a social reason to "eat it", stay quiet, keep playing the sport. I would guess private school and academic scholarship, since the child would be on Varsity if it were athletic. Or perhaps the child is "living with a family friend" to attend a well-regarded public. That is why the mom is painfully looking for the way through without demanding any resolution. That is why she is unsure of the social norms (was it really bullying?). That is probably why the child was excluded to begin with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Actually I could see how is would be a very simple act to pull off that no one would even notice until the actual event. The parent left it up to the kid to communicate the final details. The kid did so last minute. The kid did this by using some electronic means where she copied the whole team except the OPs DD. None one on the team went through to see who was copied to receive it, they just assumed it was the whole team. The event comes, all the team shows up but OPs DD and the kid in question then tells everyone what she did. Very little pre planning and no need to involve anyone else ahead of time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Damnit Siri!

* conscience

Yeah, *that* was the problem with your post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to laugh it off. Seriously. She needs to act like it doesn't bother her, and move on.

Yes, that was not a prank. But if she slinks away and quits her sport, that will not be good for DD either. Move on.

Agree with this.

I bet most of the girls think the “pranksters” are horrible and wonder if they are next. If your daughter laughs it off and holds her head high, she will get lots of respect.

Anonymous wrote:She needs to laugh it off. Seriously. She needs to act like it doesn't bother her, and move on.

Yes, that was not a prank. But if she slinks away and quits her sport, that will not be good for DD either. Move on.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your responses -- cruel is the word I have been using, too. I really don't understand this -- we were blindsided. I really don't think the coach knows but the Varsity team heard the discussion when my DD asked about it (shared locker room) and some of its members spoke out in support of my DD but other than that there has been no social cost to the two Pranksters.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

Hi mom of the bully!

I was wondering how long it would take for you to figure out a way to protect your sweet daughter, and finally you've chosen a strategy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was a BRAZEN act that took some real cojones to pull off.

These girls clearly didn't have a concern in the world about getting caught.

Think about it.. if this plan were in the works for weeks, that means the entire team knew that this was about to going down FOR WEEKS & nobody blabbed.
Do you have any idea how implausible that is??

Any one of the 10-15 girl who knew during that time could have either grown a conscious and told their mother, the coach, your daughter, etc OR they could have done what typical teenagers do... blab to their other friends not on the team who are "safe" to tell, which also definitely could have gotten back to your daughter.

The fact that nobody leaked this information beforehand is either an absolute miracle, or more so as I suspect - good old intimidation.
I imagine that the other girls on the team were intimidated into not telling (ie; "if she finds out beforehand, whoever told won't get to go either!").

Either way, thes bullying girl's didn't have a concern in the world about repercussions if your daughter or the coach found out before the event. At the very least, they should have had a tad bit of fear... hesitation... something! They should have been scared to death that their mom would cancel the whole thing if she found out what was about to go down beforehand... but they weren't, right?
They were confident.

This tells me that these girls have probably been getting away with doing similar manipulative things like this probably on a smaller scale over the years & because nobody has called them out on their sh!t before, they have no fear of getting caught or in trouble.
These girls didn't just choose something as hurtful as this as their foray into manipulative bullying (better known as psychological warfare) & if they're not called out or punished, this certainly won't be their last.

They already have some gripe against your daughter, because girls don't do something as calculating & malicious as this this to a friend as a prank... they just don't.
This wasn't something that can be blamed on the lack of impulse control of teenagers, this wasn't done in the spur of the moment.

This was planned, it was methodical, devious & well thought out.
I can only imagine the dozens of text messages between the girls that went back & forth planning this.

This was never going to be a silly, harmless prank.

They knew with all certainty that this would DEVASTATE your daughter & that's exactly the result they were hoping for.
I imagine we could pick out the ones who planned this in the photos, as they were probably so excited to do it that they either
1) can't hide their satisfied expressions or 2) intentionally made a certain smirk/face as another way to taunt your daughter.

I understand that you want to respect your daughters wishes, however as a mother I'd be concerned about two specific things.
One, by saying nothing your daughter has already grown that target on her back exponentially, as she's now shown them that she will be a good little victim & not tell anyone. This will most definitely make her a much larger target in the future, as why would they move onto someone else to victimize who may actually stand up for themselves & get them in trouble, when they know that this victim will stay good & quiet no matter what they do?

Secondly, getting away with this gave them a little high & now that they got away with it, they're going to have to amp up the velocity of the "prank" they do next.

They'll need to outdo this one, get more of a reaction from their friends, otherwise they won't get the validation they so seek (which is why so many teens are so obsessed with the number of followers they have or how many likes their post get.. it's all about validation).

This may have started out as simply wanting to leave your daughter out for whatever reason, but now that they're going to get a sick kind of validation from their peers (trust me that everyone will find out about it, as I imagine they're very proud of themselves & gossip travels around high schools at the speed of sound), the skies will be the limit on what they do next, as they won't want to disappoint their new fans.

If I were you, I'd talk to the coach but make it absolutely clear that he knows that it can never come out it came from you. He can tell the principal or whoever asks that it came from either another member of the teams parents or the gossip got around school (please know that it definitely will) & he overheard it in the halls/during class/at lunch time, etc. Both are plausible, however with the latter he won't have to provide a name if asked who told.

Damnit Siri!

* conscience