Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 18:58     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Amen! It's a vicious cycle and both people need to 1) genuinely want to break it and 2) be emotionally mature enough to do so. Keeping score, as OP is doing and as so many HD partners do, is just toxic.

Speaking as someone who's been both the LD and the HD partner (in different relationships), but hasn't yet had her sex drive tested by kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 18:51     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:There is low desire and then there is low desire for THAT PERSON.

That is what happened to DH and me. We screwed up. We let resentments build up. We held grudges instead of forgiving. We didn't deal with things. And then sex becomes easier to do with yourself, or for DH, to use porn (I don't need porn, just my hand and a few quiet minutes and I get have a multiple orgasm that lasts several minutes).

It's hard to be married and be with someone for years and have kids with them and not build up resentments.

I don't know the answer, but if you are still reading OP, it sounds like both you and your wife have checked out of the marriage. Counseling could help. It helped us. Also, just a lot of hard work, recommitting to the marriage, putting her first even when you really, really don't want to. That's really hard but if you make changes, I can almost guarantee you will too. Work on the marriage and reconnecting as friends and then the sex issues start resolving.


+1000 - Kudos. Great answer.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 18:20     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
There is low desire and then there is low desire for THAT PERSON.

That is what happened to DH and me. We screwed up. We let resentments build up. We held grudges instead of forgiving. We didn't deal with things. And then sex becomes easier to do with yourself, or for DH, to use porn (I don't need porn, just my hand and a few quiet minutes and I get have a multiple orgasm that lasts several minutes).

It's hard to be married and be with someone for years and have kids with them and not build up resentments.

I don't know the answer, but if you are still reading OP, it sounds like both you and your wife have checked out of the marriage. Counseling could help. It helped us. Also, just a lot of hard work, recommitting to the marriage, putting her first even when you really, really don't want to. That's really hard but if you make changes, I can almost guarantee you will too. Work on the marriage and reconnecting as friends and then the sex issues start resolving.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 18:15     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

If I recall correctly, things ramped up when they were trying to conceive. Which reminds me of another piece of my resentment toward DW when we went through similar issues -- recalling that, when she wanted to have our number 2, she had absolutely no problem making an effort for sex. When she thought it was important, she made an effort.


This is probably the most frustrating thing for me. Now sex is a chore for her, but when we were TTC she was so much more receptive and into sex. A shame it didn't take us longer. lol


In other words, when sex and procreation are separated, one spouse ends up using the other. In OP's case:

When a woman wants a baby, she wants sex.

When a man wants sex, he doesn't want a baby.

So a woman uses a man when she wants a baby.

A man uses a woman when he wants sex without consequence.

What if sex inherently meant possible new life? Then both spouses would have the same responsibility in the act. A very different calculation.

Not every time would actually be fertile. But every time would be an acknowledgement that this is how babies are made, so we need to take it (and our entire relationship) seriously.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 17:30     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:Yet another sexless marriage here. Once a month (maybe twice) is not enough. Plus DW hardly every initiates. To all you HD (high desire) spouses out there, if you had know your spouse would be LD (low desire), would you have gotten married? I feel trapped now with 2 young kids. I love them and all but the lack of sex sucks big time. It's probably not enough of a reason to get divorced BUT it would have been so much better if I had choosen a mate that was HD instead of LD.

Is it acceptable to say somethign like that to a spouse? ----> "If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you."


WARNING - Biggest regret of my life when I said those words to my husband. Somethings cannot ever be taken back, so be careful what you say in the moment.

Marriages have their ups and their downs. If you hang in there, you may eventually make it back to the good times. Life with young kids is HARD - for the both of you. You both just probably express stress in different ways.

Don't tell her something you may end up regretting later. Talk about your issues. Get professional help if it is a deal breaker for you and maybe the both of you can meet somewhere half way and find happiness again.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 17:21     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:

If I recall correctly, things ramped up when they were trying to conceive. Which reminds me of another piece of my resentment toward DW when we went through similar issues -- recalling that, when she wanted to have our number 2, she had absolutely no problem making an effort for sex. When she thought it was important, she made an effort.


This is probably the most frustrating thing for me. Now sex is a chore for her, but when we were TTC she was so much more receptive and into sex. A shame it didn't take us longer. lol
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 17:03     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
When BFing, many (not all, but many) women suffer from a drop in libido--it's hormonal. But in the long term, yes, the sex drive returns within reason.


But, it likely won't for OP's wife because they were having problems before the 4 month old.

If I recall correctly, things ramped up when they were trying to conceive. Which reminds me of another piece of my resentment toward DW when we went through similar issues -- recalling that, when she wanted to have our number 2, she had absolutely no problem making an effort for sex. When she thought it was important, she made an effort.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:57     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
"From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.


AMEN! YES!!!"

Bait and Switch.


No. Having children changes you and your priorities. If the experience of caring for children does not alter your life in some meaningful way, then you are doing something wrong.


Having children made my career less important permanently. It made my marriage and my friends and personal hobbies less important temporarily while they were young. I do not buy that people are less interested in sex once they have children.


When BFing, many (not all, but many) women suffer from a drop in libido--it's hormonal. But in the long term, yes, the sex drive returns within reason.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:54     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Couple of points:

1. The "she wanted the child" was a response to "she sacrificed her body for your children." I agree it's a good idea to leave the kid out of it. But do it on both sides of the equation.

2. I agree that you provide income, a home, flowers, and the rest of it, not as a trade, but because you love your family. That's also why one spouse has sex with the other. An act of love. But, if it's "being used" to have sex when you don't feel like it, then it's also "being used" to go earn money when you don't feel like it.

3. LD has to recognize sex as a legitimate priority and not ignore it. HD has to recognize acts of love important to LD as priorities also. You can't blow off your spouse's priorities simply because, left on your own, you would regard them as unimportant.


I agree with your points on the main but I don't get why you feel you are being used for money. Many of LD people out there work, too, and our spouses work because they want to and because they are contributing to the home. I guess I just don't find this complaint valid in many cases.


Oh, for example, if it were just up to me, we'd live in a much cheaper, smaller house with little or no mortgage. I wouldn't need window coverings or bed skirts or all manner of other decorative crap. But, she wants a nicer place, and I love her, so we have a nicer place. If we didn't, I wouldn't have to work so hard and I'd have more time and money for, say, vacations. Generally, I'm content with that; but, when we're not having sex, it makes me feel like she doesn't love me, doesn't appreciate how hard I work, etc. And, in those darker moments, when there is no real indication - including but not limited to sex - that she digs me and what I do because I love her, I definitely get grumpy about working hard when I could have a small house, early retirement, and vacations.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:52     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Neither of you will ever be happy. As the HD spouse, I try and try to do things I know he likes, but it doesn't work. He doesn't want more sex just because I've lost weight, do most of the childcare, earn 50% of the money and wear nice lingerie. You won't want more sex either. I think it's just hopeless for a truly HD and temperamentally LD couple to be happy sexually.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:50     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.


Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.


Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.


Okay then, but can you as an LD woman explain to me as a HD woman what you think my alternatives are? Sure, I can take care of myself so I don't cheat or divorce. But it won't stop my self esteem from going in the toilet, or flirting with guy friends to make up for the lack of attention at home. I think it's better for the LD spouse to feel used, a little bit, than have the HD spouse feel chronically frustrated.


Well that's because you are not the LD spouse and not the one feeling used for sex. So that's really easy for you to say.


Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?



I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:47     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.


Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.


Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.


Okay then, but can you as an LD woman explain to me as a HD woman what you think my alternatives are? Sure, I can take care of myself so I don't cheat or divorce. But it won't stop my self esteem from going in the toilet, or flirting with guy friends to make up for the lack of attention at home. I think it's better for the LD spouse to feel used, a little bit, than have the HD spouse feel chronically frustrated.


Well that's because you are not the LD spouse and not the one feeling used for sex. So that's really easy for you to say.


Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?

Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:45     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
"From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.


AMEN! YES!!!"

Bait and Switch.


No. Having children changes you and your priorities. If the experience of caring for children does not alter your life in some meaningful way, then you are doing something wrong.


Having children made my career less important permanently. It made my marriage and my friends and personal hobbies less important temporarily while they were young. I do not buy that people are less interested in sex once they have children.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:44     Subject: Re:If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Silly me, for wanting both love AND sex from my husband on a regular basis.
Anonymous
Post 12/13/2012 16:44     Subject: If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.
Anonymous wrote:
"From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.


AMEN! YES!!!"

Bait and Switch.


No. Having children changes you and your priorities. If the experience of caring for children does not alter your life in some meaningful way, then you are doing something wrong.