Anonymous wrote:I would also consider lower cost of living cities!
Some ideas:
Nashville
Austin
Denver
Triangle area in NC

You can get a home there between 500k-1mil in the best public school area. That should be affordable with an in house job and your husband’s income and it still offered a lot of the things you love about the city. I wouldn’t rule it out.

I’ve lived in tier one cities my entire life and live in a smaller one now and I am very happy with that. (London, NYC, DC, LA, Copenhagen, DC, now in Denver)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone mad at OP for not wanting to move to those midwestern cities? They sound terrible to me too! (I’m Asian)

Also, I know next to nothing about BigLaw, but it sounds like you do need to plan your exit, OP. If you were the workaholic type then it would make sense to stay and hire extra childcare, but it sounds like you miss your baby, so you need to find a more flexible job. So what if you pay your loan back in 2-3 years instead of 1? Long term, it won’t make much of a financial difference, but your quality of life will improve dramatically. There were a few months during DD’s first year where I wasn’t around much due to work, and I still feel twinges of guilt. Like you, my family is my first priority, not some brass ring.

Eh, I was kind of a dick in the answer about the small cities. It was a joke but I get people being annoyed. Oh well.

But anyway, I think you're right. I don't want the extra outsourcing to succeed here, I want to be able to make bedtime. Thanks for phrasing that in a way that wasn't like some of the other posters insisting I'm screwing up my baby for not being around now. I see no problem with women working these hours if they enjoy the work/satisfaction of doing a good job, but I'm just not there.

Part of the reason I'm trying so hard to pay off the loans now is because without any loan payment or daycare, we can live off of DH's salary. It would be beyond nice to have the ability to stay home if I decide to. But, I don't think that's what I really want. I think I just want a 9-5. So, I am going to start to look, though I recognize it might take some time to find something that's the right fit.

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone mad at OP for not wanting to move to those midwestern cities? They sound terrible to me too! (I’m Asian)

Also, I know next to nothing about BigLaw, but it sounds like you do need to plan your exit, OP. If you were the workaholic type then it would make sense to stay and hire extra childcare, but it sounds like you miss your baby, so you need to find a more flexible job. So what if you pay your loan back in 2-3 years instead of 1? Long term, it won’t make much of a financial difference, but your quality of life will improve dramatically. There were a few months during DD’s first year where I wasn’t around much due to work, and I still feel twinges of guilt. Like you, my family is my first priority, not some brass ring.

Anonymous wrote:As a client, I find it helpful when lawyers communicate to me what their schedule patterns are or when they might be getting back to me. Like, I worked with a male partner who didn’t tend to work much past five pm or so, but he liked to wake up really early in the morning. So if I sent him a markup at four or five, or if we had a call at four or five and he said he would send me something, I knew I probably wouldn’t hear back from him that night, but I would hear back in the morning. I like to know an estimate for when I might hear back, because then I am not sitting around checking my phone. I’d rather know, ok, I can go off and do something else, because I’m not hearing from him today.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm of course not saying that it is easy or that it doesn't entail sacrifices, but I think many people on this board are making it sound harder/more impossible than it is. That people would immediately tell OP (or others in her shoes) to quit is disconcerting because with that mindset women will never be able to achieve an equal place in the office.

I have two kids 7 and 4. The younger is in daycare; the older does aftercare at school. DH, who has a FT but fairly flexible job, does almost all drop offs/pickups. He does most of the cooking and stuff around the house, although we have someone clean once a week and we have come to accept that the house will be a little messy. He can almost always cover the (thankfully relatively rare) times the kids are sick or have some other scheduling issue that is out of the ordinary. But, I am usually able to block off important things like school plays and I've almost never missed something like that.

I make it home for dinner, or at least bedtime, more nights than not. On the days that I stay late, I usually stay very late. That makes it easier to get home other nights. I'll also obviously log on some times from home after the kids go to sleep. I also don't have to travel much, which helps a lot, but I also know not all practice areas have that benefit. I'm generally able to keep my weekends free and devote it almost exclusively to family activities.

It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible or a bad life. I enjoy my work. I enjoy the benefits my work provides. I don't know that I will do it forever, but doing it as long as I have has given us tremendous financial freedom going forward and it also has opened up plenty of other doors once I decide it is time do something else.

It isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't just assume that kids has to mean the end of a Biglaw career.

Just want to echo that I’ve had almost the same experience. I am a regulatory lawyer so that generally makes the hours a bit easier, and my husband is the default parent for now (but I’ve also been the default parent when he had a different job and traveled much more) but I think there are ways to figure out how to make it work for you, especially if you don’t think you will stay forever. Also not everyone’s way of making it work looks the the same, and that’s ok. OP, cheers to making it work in the short-term, I know you can do it!

Anonymous wrote:Please lock this thread

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the best real life version of dismembering the whole “you can have it all”, “lean in”, and female empowerment as the new buzzword that I have ever seen.

Fascinating read of women who breeze through any nurturing urges, heartstrings pulled at just being with their babies, ignoring the biological needs of a baby and it’s mother that is seen in all forms of nature, with humans the only ones actively breaking that bond.

Such an interesting read

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in biglaw for 10 years but left before I had kids. I saw no one who was successful long term that had kids that didn’t have a spouse that either was a sah or cut way back on their own career. Since you don’t seem to want to stay long term and make partner, that doesn’t need to mean that you can’t stay a few years more if you are willing to continuing working long hours.

You absolutely need a nanny, and you need to subscribe to a back up nanny service for the rare times when your nanny is sick if you don’t have families or friends in the area, or the ability to cover yourself. Not only will the nanny rid you having to do drop offs and pick ups, they can do light housekeeping that will help free up the time when you are home from the more mundane tasks like laundry or groceries. Ideally, hire someone who can cook. I could not have continued to work as an attorney, even outside of big law , with a spouse with a demanding job, without a nanny.

I don’t think it is true that babyhood is the hardest part, it gets harder when your kids have homework and activities in the evening although you I’ll be sleeping better. It is true that your kid will not remember these early years, but you will. Plan your next career moves to give you the family life you want, because kids grow up really fast, and there is no turning back the clock.

DP. I promise I'm not picking on PP, even though what I am about say will sound like I am.

I agree with this PP and the many others who have advised outsourcing as a way to make it through BigLaw or another BigCareer. A prerequisite for that, though, is that you are ok not doing the things that you are outsourcing. I can throw money at problems with the best of them. I wasn't willing, however, to have someone else (including my husband) do so many of the things that I see as part of being a parent. I want to see my kids at the end of the school day, be active at their school, make and eat dinner with them, get them to practices and activities, know their friends and teammates and their families. That means not being in the office (or working feverishly out of the office) all the time. Some working moms may hate all of those tasks and/or be willing to have nannies or au pairs or grandparents or other parents take on those roles. But if you, like me, are not happy with that approach, even outsourcing won't help.