Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think more broadly about the example you're setting for your child here. You're showing him that marriage isn't about working together, trying to be good to each other, etc., it's about staking out what you want to be responsible for and then refusing to go outside of it for the benefit of your marriage or your household. That's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship.

I get what you are saying, but in fact I am not comfortable with a model for my son where he seems mom doing all of the cooking and cleaning from morning until night, and runs the household, and her job is 24/7 while dad is off the clock once he gets in the door. I do all the cleaning-I have a really nicely kept house. Our sink doesn't have dirty dishes in it, our counters aren't sticky, our floors are swept, we always have clean clothes, our bathroom towels are always fresh, our cars are tidy, DS's toys are nicely kept and rotated, our bills are paid and paperwork is in order, our taxes are filed, etc. Before we had a kid, DH would go out for a breakfast burrito on Saturday, while I spent an hour on cleaning. I'm not resentful, I love having a nice guest-ready house, and so does DH. We often have guests over. But aside from cooking, I pretty much do everything, and I actually think DS should see dad doing some household stuff as well. DH isn't a natural cleaner-upper, so I don't think he's going to all of a sudden pitch in more on that front.

I have not (and will not) read every post in this thread, but this post encapsulates how selfish OP is. She does the things that are important to her, that's it. OP, if you feel like your husband isn't pulling his weight, pass off some tasks to him - finances, tax prep, rotating your kid's toys (WTF is that, anyway?), cleaning bathrooms on the weekends. But you have chosen to refuse to do the one thing that has direct, day-to-day impact on your husband because you don't like to do it, and you're using the fig leaf of "unequal division of labor" to justify it. That's transparent, selfish crap.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're being a little hard on the OP. Is it so wrong to have your partner take over one aspect of household management if you stay at home and do everything else?
Would you say the same thing to a SAHP who refused to clean or do finances?

For example, one friend of mine is awful at finances (bad credit, etc,), and despite the fact that she has a bit more time than her husband, being an almost SAHMer (works 1 shift a week), he does anything money-related. He's actually not that good at it either (they're both in medicine and basically never learned to balance a check book before they got out of residency), but she does all the shopping/cooking/cleaning/most of the child care. And flat out refuses to pay bills or do investments because she hates it, and has a bad track record.

But a lot of people wouldn't take issue with the above, right? Because its quite common for the working spouse to do the finances. I feel like people are criticizing the OP, because its cooking, which somehow, these days, gets elevated status or something. But maybe she's bad at it, or hates it. If she does everything else, I'd think her DH would give her a break.

To me, part of it is a timing/logistics issue. I'm a SAHM, and my husband handles our finances. Sometimes he does it at work when he has a few minutes of down time, or he might do it in the evening after dinner and getting the kids to bed, or spend an hour on it on a weekend. It's flexible. Making dinner is an effort that has to happen at a particular time (roughly speaking) each day, and doesn't have a lot of flexibility. Her husband can't do it during his lunch break at the office, or wait until he's been home for a couple of hours, it's work that pretty much needs to be done the moment he walks in the door, and preferably started before then. If you think about it in terms of who is better situated to take on a particular task, it's obviously her because she is the one at home to get dinner started while he is commuting.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we're being a little hard on the OP. Is it so wrong to have your partner take over one aspect of household management if you stay at home and do everything else?
Would you say the same thing to a SAHP who refused to clean or do finances?

For example, one friend of mine is awful at finances (bad credit, etc,), and despite the fact that she has a bit more time than her husband, being an almost SAHMer (works 1 shift a week), he does anything money-related. He's actually not that good at it either (they're both in medicine and basically never learned to balance a check book before they got out of residency), but she does all the shopping/cooking/cleaning/most of the child care. And flat out refuses to pay bills or do investments because she hates it, and has a bad track record.

But a lot of people wouldn't take issue with the above, right? Because its quite common for the working spouse to do the finances. I feel like people are criticizing the OP, because its cooking, which somehow, these days, gets elevated status or something. But maybe she's bad at it, or hates it. If she does everything else, I'd think her DH would give her a break.

I'm not sure everyone is up in arms about OPs dislike of cooking - it's the tone of "my husband is a grown man and can fend for himself because I don't work for him" attitude that is rubbing people the wrong way.

There's a difference between trying something and deferring to the spouse that is better at something when you can, and crossing your arms and stomping off to a corner when you still might have to do it time to time (or often). Partnerships run that way.

I feel like we're being a little hard on the OP. Is it so wrong to have your partner take over one aspect of household management if you stay at home and do everything else?
Would you say the same thing to a SAHP who refused to clean or do finances?

For example, one friend of mine is awful at finances (bad credit, etc,), and despite the fact that she has a bit more time than her husband, being an almost SAHMer (works 1 shift a week), he does anything money-related. He's actually not that good at it either (they're both in medicine and basically never learned to balance a check book before they got out of residency), but she does all the shopping/cooking/cleaning/most of the child care. And flat out refuses to pay bills or do investments because she hates it, and has a bad track record.

But a lot of people wouldn't take issue with the above, right? Because its quite common for the working spouse to do the finances. I feel like people are criticizing the OP, because its cooking, which somehow, these days, gets elevated status or something. But maybe she's bad at it, or hates it. If she does everything else, I'd think her DH would give her a break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

+1 think of yourself as a housewife and not a stay at home mom

And many nannies hAve basic food prep functions as part of their job requirements. I suspect a lot of folks on here wouldn't pay a nanny full time wages "only" to watch their kids.

Most nannies don't have 24/7 round the clock duty, 365 days a year. SAHMs are not nannies, maids. And I did not quit my full time job to become a nanny or a housewife. I am a SAHM because this is the way that dh and I have opted to handle our shared responsibilities. I am not his servant. The kids and I are not his staff. We are his family and we love him a lot. IF I really hated to cook I am sure that dh and I would work that out just like we have divided all of our responsibilities.

You need to get over yourself. You can rail about the third shift, division of labor, etc. but ultimately the way our lives are structured has to come down to what's practical. I'm a stringent feminist and do laundry, make the bed, and cook dinner (and, frequently, breakfast) - in no way does that put me on the level of a domestic (which is pretty classist framing, by the way). DH is gone from the house from 7-5 - it's just not practical to expect him to share in domestic duties equally. It's also not reasonable. Real life is not theoretical - it is the here and now.

No one is saying he should share in the domestic chores equally. The fact that he is gone for a good part of the day actually means that he is not sharing in the domestic duties equally - his wife is the one watching the kids.

But, working 7-5 doesn't mean that he can check out of all household duties. He can help out with the cooking. Or the laundry. Or he can watch the kids while his wife does those things. Op and her husband have to decide what works best for them. If she really can not stand to cook and doesn't mind handling everything else, why can't he help with the cooking?

She hates cooking but finds the time and expends the effort to also cook for their child. How much harder is it to cook for her husband at the same time? (hint - it isn't that much harder.)

(I'm also another feminist, btw, who thinks OP is an anorexic piece of shit on her way to divorce.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, making dinner is not part of SAHM job description (unless is for the children of course). However, I think it is part of human decency job description. I go through phases where I hate to cook and when that happens, I keep frozen food from TJ at home and heat it up before my husband gets home. Or if I have left overs and don't want to have dinner myself, I pull them out of the fridge and leave at the counter for my husband to choose. I really can't open a box and threw it in the microwave and call it dinner?

I think you are pissed at your husband for something else and this dinner business is just an excuse.

Nail, head.

Yes - what has OPs DH done to her that she doesn't want to grant him that simple kindness? If I get home from a long day at work, I don't mind throwing together a little something for myself from what's in the fridge, but if there's nothing to be had and I have to go back out to the store, I'm going to feel a little hurt by the SAH spouse. There are many nights where I'd be satisfied with a bowl of cereal for dinner but I'll brown some ground beef, dump in a jar of pasta sauce, and microwave some veggies because I know DH doesn't want cheerios. Seems like OP is going out of her way to *not* do anything for her DH, and that sucks.

Anonymous wrote:No, making dinner is not part of SAHM job description (unless is for the children of course). However, I think it is part of human decency job description. I go through phases where I hate to cook and when that happens, I keep frozen food from TJ at home and heat it up before my husband gets home. Or if I have left overs and don't want to have dinner myself, I pull them out of the fridge and leave at the counter for my husband to choose. I really can't open a box and threw it in the microwave and call it dinner?

I think you are pissed at your husband for something else and this dinner business is just an excuse.

Nail, head.

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. So obvious

Why is it so hard to believe that someone can not stand to meal plan and cook. There are obvious ways that Op's dh could help out with this even though he works.

No, making dinner is not part of SAHM job description (unless is for the children of course). However, I think it is part of human decency job description. I go through phases where I hate to cook and when that happens, I keep frozen food from TJ at home and heat it up before my husband gets home. Or if I have left overs and don't want to have dinner myself, I pull them out of the fridge and leave at the counter for my husband to choose. I really can't open a box and threw it in the microwave and call it dinner?

I think you are pissed at your husband for something else and this dinner business is just an excuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

+1 think of yourself as a housewife and not a stay at home mom

And many nannies hAve basic food prep functions as part of their job requirements. I suspect a lot of folks on here wouldn't pay a nanny full time wages "only" to watch their kids.

Most nannies don't have 24/7 round the clock duty, 365 days a year. SAHMs are not nannies, maids. And I did not quit my full time job to become a nanny or a housewife. I am a SAHM because this is the way that dh and I have opted to handle our shared responsibilities. I am not his servant. The kids and I are not his staff. We are his family and we love him a lot. IF I really hated to cook I am sure that dh and I would work that out just like we have divided all of our responsibilities.

You need to get over yourself. You can rail about the third shift, division of labor, etc. but ultimately the way our lives are structured has to come down to what's practical. I'm a stringent feminist and do laundry, make the bed, and cook dinner (and, frequently, breakfast) - in no way does that put me on the level of a domestic (which is pretty classist framing, by the way). DH is gone from the house from 7-5 - it's just not practical to expect him to share in domestic duties equally. It's also not reasonable. Real life is not theoretical - it is the here and now.

No one is saying he should share in the domestic chores equally. The fact that he is gone for a good part of the day actually means that he is not sharing in the domestic duties equally - his wife is the one watching the kids.

But, working 7-5 doesn't mean that he can check out of all household duties. He can help out with the cooking. Or the laundry. Or he can watch the kids while his wife does those things. Op and her husband have to decide what works best for them. If she really can not stand to cook and doesn't mind handling everything else, why can't he help with the cooking?

Maybe a troll pp. I'm no cook or domestic type person, but even I learned to make some decent dinner and I have a paid job outside of the home. OP is making much too big a deal of this.

I call troll. So obvious

Our kids have a 7:30 bedtime, so dinner needs to be on the table by 6:30pm for the evening to run smoothly. That means that whoever is home earlier starts dinner. Since you're a SAHM, that would be you most days - and it can be your husband all the other days of the week, holidays, vacations, etc. But on school/work nights, it would default to you most of the time.

I get that you find it oppressive, but would you feel less oppressed if your husband was in charge of putting away leftovers and cleaning up the kitchen after? What if he did huge batches of stuff that can be saved for the week on Sunday, so you only have to be in charge of dinner 3-4 nights a week? That would be more even, right?

It's not that I think a SAHP by definition is responsible for this task, but the reality is that one of the two of you is, and it's best for the family for the person who's home earlier in the evening to at least get dinner started, even if you're not the one who finishes it. My husband & I alternate Fridays off - if he refused to cook on his Fridays home, I would be very frustrated because it throws off our whole family schedule to insist that I be home before dinner prep can start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

+1 think of yourself as a housewife and not a stay at home mom

And many nannies hAve basic food prep functions as part of their job requirements. I suspect a lot of folks on here wouldn't pay a nanny full time wages "only" to watch their kids.

Most nannies don't have 24/7 round the clock duty, 365 days a year. SAHMs are not nannies, maids. And I did not quit my full time job to become a nanny or a housewife. I am a SAHM because this is the way that dh and I have opted to handle our shared responsibilities. I am not his servant. The kids and I are not his staff. We are his family and we love him a lot. IF I really hated to cook I am sure that dh and I would work that out just like we have divided all of our responsibilities.

You need to get over yourself. You can rail about the third shift, division of labor, etc. but ultimately the way our lives are structured has to come down to what's practical. I'm a stringent feminist and do laundry, make the bed, and cook dinner (and, frequently, breakfast) - in no way does that put me on the level of a domestic (which is pretty classist framing, by the way). DH is gone from the house from 7-5 - it's just not practical to expect him to share in domestic duties equally. It's also not reasonable. Real life is not theoretical - it is the here and now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is disappointed that I don't cook dinner as part of the SAH gig. I hate meal planning and cooking. DS is 12 mos. He eats simple, decinstructed meals. I eat whatever is around. Cheese and crackers for lunch if I want. I have no expectation that DH produce dinner for me. I didn't have that expectation when we were both working, either. I don't have a bunch of school-aged kids where we all need to sit around as a family. I really hate this expectation that I'm supposed to prepare food for a grown man now that my job is raising our child. I was thinking of cooking tonight-we have this bag of potatos on the counter. If it were just me, I'd have a baked potato and a Diet Coke. But since I'm cooking for a "family" I have to produce something more ambitious - a baked potato "bar" or whatever. No thanks. I'm want to cook what I want to eat and not cater to what DH likes. Today he came home and asked what I made-I told him "nothing", and he went to the grocery store after working all day, and I don't really care.

Your job is running the household. I'm not sure where you got this idea that staying home meant you're essentially a nanny. The job description is a lot more comprehensive than just child care.

+1 think of yourself as a housewife and not a stay at home mom

And many nannies hAve basic food prep functions as part of their job requirements. I suspect a lot of folks on here wouldn't pay a nanny full time wages "only" to watch their kids.

Most nannies don't have 24/7 round the clock duty, 365 days a year. SAHMs are not nannies, maids. And I did not quit my full time job to become a nanny or a housewife. I am a SAHM because this is the way that dh and I have opted to handle our shared responsibilities. I am not his servant. The kids and I are not his staff. We are his family and we love him a lot. IF I really hated to cook I am sure that dh and I would work that out just like we have divided all of our responsibilities.

Project much? And you write like you're in junior high.