Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies so maybe this had been covered.

Have you considered that your wife may not be that into you anymore? Is she a SAHM?

I know my mother never put out. She's a SAHM and hate my dad. She stays in the marriage because she doesn't want to work and doesn't want to rock the boat.

This is just my opinion. I think a lot of women are not being honest. I am a woman too and I was in a sexless marriage for years before we finally divorced. What I can't tell my ex is that I love sex, just not with him. I did not cheat and I am not dating. I just simply hate having sex with him because I don't love him anymore.

It is a very hard thing to say to someone. Women tend to dance around the subject and hope that men will forget about sex. I think you need to decide if this is an acceptable lifestyle for you going forward.

Good luck.

I really have a hard time believing that my LD husband doesn't put out often because he doesn't love me. It just takes him 5 or 6 days to get horny again after we hav sex, and nothing I've been able to do - lingerie, toys, couples' videos, doing 90% of the work of the kids and house - has shortened that time period. He's not even 50 yet

So does this make you love him less?

Yes, and respect him less too.

Well, that's really sad. You've acknowledged that he still loves you, and yet you feel that way. Sounds like you need a therapist too.

Why? Sex is an important component of love.

Not always. People have sex with people they don't love all the time. So it's not a stretch to believe that you can love someone and not feel compelled to show it with sex all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

Okay then, but can you as an LD woman explain to me as a HD woman what you think my alternatives are? Sure, I can take care of myself so I don't cheat or divorce. But it won't stop my self esteem from going in the toilet, or flirting with guy friends to make up for the lack of attention at home. I think it's better for the LD spouse to feel used, a little bit, than have the HD spouse feel chronically frustrated.

Well that's because you are not the LD spouse and not the one feeling used for sex. So that's really easy for you to say.

Anonymous wrote:Couple of points:

1. The "she wanted the child" was a response to "she sacrificed her body for your children." I agree it's a good idea to leave the kid out of it. But do it on both sides of the equation.

2. I agree that you provide income, a home, flowers, and the rest of it, not as a trade, but because you love your family. That's also why one spouse has sex with the other. An act of love. But, if it's "being used" to have sex when you don't feel like it, then it's also "being used" to go earn money when you don't feel like it.

3. LD has to recognize sex as a legitimate priority and not ignore it. HD has to recognize acts of love important to LD as priorities also. You can't blow off your spouse's priorities simply because, left on your own, you would regard them as unimportant.

I agree with your points on the main but I don't get why you feel you are being used for money. Many of LD people out there work, too, and our spouses work because they want to and because they are contributing to the home. I guess I just don't find this complaint valid in many cases.

NP here. didn't read through 23 pages, but thought I'd offer my perspective. Wife here, with baby and toddler, and low sex drive. While exhaustion and the fact that between children and intense work load, everyone wants/needs something from me and I dont get to do anything for myself (no gym, no girltime, no hobbies, etc) I don't feel particularly 'giving.' and at 4months post partum I basically didn't want anyone touching me.

But that's not the real reason for not wanting a lot of sex now. The real reason is that DH is a rather boring lover who doesn't really try to meet my needs. I had a huge and creative and little bit kinky sex drive before and when we met, and knew that he would never meet it, but I hoped I could bring out more in him and we could meet halfway. He seemed to want to, when we were dating and first together and I explained how important it was for me.

But, things slide back to status quo, usually. I tried for a couple years to convey my desires and figure out what his were, find ways to spice things up, but he is somewhat repressed and basically uncomfortable with anything beyond very straightforward, silent sex, usually in the dark. Then we had kids, and I simply have no time/energy to put into making sex more interesting . Add to that he snores, put on 20 lbs and leaves crap all over the house and my desire further plummets.
This is not to say that we don't have sex--we average 3-4x/month because I feel its important that we maintain our intimacy and I don't want him to ever know that I'm not that interested. I love him and have no intention of an affair or leaving the marriage over sex. The thing is, I knew what he was like going into the marriage and so I have no one else to blame but myself. Sometimes I'm pissed that he doesn't try harder to meet my needs, but he meets alot of other needs...but I guess I wanted to convey that its not just having kids and exhaustion, its sometimes just losing the desire for your partner, which can come from a myriad of factors, but also, I think, can be regenerated if both partners are willing. I know that at some point, when our kids are older and we have a little more time, I want to explore once again making our sex life more vibrant....

So you pick boring sex. Now you punish the boring sex by no sex. Add five years, stir and guess what...you will not get the "making our sex life more vibrant" chance. Be a solid person and cut him lose now.

Couple of points:

1. The "she wanted the child" was a response to "she sacrificed her body for your children." I agree it's a good idea to leave the kid out of it. But do it on both sides of the equation.

2. I agree that you provide income, a home, flowers, and the rest of it, not as a trade, but because you love your family. That's also why one spouse has sex with the other. An act of love. But, if it's "being used" to have sex when you don't feel like it, then it's also "being used" to go earn money when you don't feel like it.

3. LD has to recognize sex as a legitimate priority and not ignore it. HD has to recognize acts of love important to LD as priorities also. You can't blow off your spouse's priorities simply because, left on your own, you would regard them as unimportant.

"From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.


AMEN! YES!!!"

Bait and Switch.

NP here. didn't read through 23 pages, but thought I'd offer my perspective. Wife here, with baby and toddler, and low sex drive. While exhaustion and the fact that between children and intense work load, everyone wants/needs something from me and I dont get to do anything for myself (no gym, no girltime, no hobbies, etc) I don't feel particularly 'giving.' and at 4months post partum I basically didn't want anyone touching me.

But that's not the real reason for not wanting a lot of sex now. The real reason is that DH is a rather boring lover who doesn't really try to meet my needs. I had a huge and creative and little bit kinky sex drive before and when we met, and knew that he would never meet it, but I hoped I could bring out more in him and we could meet halfway. He seemed to want to, when we were dating and first together and I explained how important it was for me.

But, things slide back to status quo, usually. I tried for a couple years to convey my desires and figure out what his were, find ways to spice things up, but he is somewhat repressed and basically uncomfortable with anything beyond very straightforward, silent sex, usually in the dark. Then we had kids, and I simply have no time/energy to put into making sex more interesting . Add to that he snores, put on 20 lbs and leaves crap all over the house and my desire further plummets.
This is not to say that we don't have sex--we average 3-4x/month because I feel its important that we maintain our intimacy and I don't want him to ever know that I'm not that interested. I love him and have no intention of an affair or leaving the marriage over sex. The thing is, I knew what he was like going into the marriage and so I have no one else to blame but myself. Sometimes I'm pissed that he doesn't try harder to meet my needs, but he meets alot of other needs...but I guess I wanted to convey that its not just having kids and exhaustion, its sometimes just losing the desire for your partner, which can come from a myriad of factors, but also, I think, can be regenerated if both partners are willing. I know that at some point, when our kids are older and we have a little more time, I want to explore once again making our sex life more vibrant.....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

From the other side, doing all the other things that go into sustaining a marriage and family and still being deprived of sex feels like being used as well.

AMEN! YES!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

Don't increase your desire, then. Up to you. Just go through the motions, at least. That's honestly what I want my LD husband to do. I know he won't love me passionately like I want to be loved, or with much skill, but at least put out. I refrained from self pleasure for many years after we got married, because I was under the impression I shouldn't have to take care of myself once married. Ha. I masturbate at least as much as we have sex. Husband would be shocked to find that out.

Going through the motions is basically agreeing to be used. At least that's how it feels to me.

Okay then, but can you as an LD woman explain to me as a HD woman what you think my alternatives are? Sure, I can take care of myself so I don't cheat or divorce. But it won't stop my self esteem from going in the toilet, or flirting with guy friends to make up for the lack of attention at home. I think it's better for the LD spouse to feel used, a little bit, than have the HD spouse feel chronically frustrated.

Why are the Theology of the Body whackos such poor, windbag writers?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies so maybe this had been covered.

Have you considered that your wife may not be that into you anymore? Is she a SAHM?

I know my mother never put out. She's a SAHM and hate my dad. She stays in the marriage because she doesn't want to work and doesn't want to rock the boat.

This is just my opinion. I think a lot of women are not being honest. I am a woman too and I was in a sexless marriage for years before we finally divorced. What I can't tell my ex is that I love sex, just not with him. I did not cheat and I am not dating. I just simply hate having sex with him because I don't love him anymore.

It is a very hard thing to say to someone. Women tend to dance around the subject and hope that men will forget about sex. I think you need to decide if this is an acceptable lifestyle for you going forward.

Good luck.

I really have a hard time believing that my LD husband doesn't put out often because he doesn't love me. It just takes him 5 or 6 days to get horny again after we hav sex, and nothing I've been able to do - lingerie, toys, couples' videos, doing 90% of the work of the kids and house - has shortened that time period. He's not even 50 yet

So does this make you love him less?

Yes, and respect him less too.

Well, that's really sad. You've acknowledged that he still loves you, and yet you feel that way. Sounds like you need a therapist too.

Why? Sex is an important component of love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. That was very deep. You obviously have put much thought into sex. I know my understanding of sex is very limited if I'm gonna use all that you said. Honestly, what you wrote was too deep and too surfer -like zen for me to get. But thanks for trying anyway.

OP, they aren't my ideas that I made up. And they are profound, but simple. I'll try a different explanation.

Is this any easier to follow, OP?

Not OP, but how does this apply to older people? I was sterilized more than 5 years ago (wife here) when I was in my early 40s, so sex has nothing to do with procreation now for us.

PP, the vast majority of sex during a woman's life is not procreative. Even women who do not use contraception and are not sterilized are fertile only a few days a year. Sex is not ONLY about procreation, but procreation is an essential aspect of understanding sex.

When spouses make love, they MUST embrace ALL of one another, completely. Fertility or infertility. Even if you had to have a hysterectomy, you still need to respect the procreative power of sex as part of its design for it to be what it should be.

And part of that design is that we get to enjoy it for bonding and physical pleasure without a single thought of babies for most of the time! Already pregnant, nursing, after menopause--babies are not possible. But we still need to acknowledge and respect sex for its full purpose in order to enjoy it properly and completely.

Theology of the Body is a coherent, complete whole. It's about physical love at every stage of life: single, married, parenting, elderly. The rules apply to everyone. Because sex is what it is. It was designed a certain way.

There will come a time that I cannot have children anymore. Since I am AMA, I know that time is coming soon, and I will be very sad. But I will be at peace, because it will just be another season, another way of living the Theology of the Body, and it is all as it should be.

Another good example is infertility. I personally hoped to have many children, but if I had been unable to, I would have found great
Comfort and peace living this theology, even though I did not get the outcome my heart desired. ToB is just one aspect of my faith. And the more I see the consequences of living in conflict with ToB, the more proof I have that it is true.

Anonymous wrote:The LDs seem to make great efforts to provide for their children's needs, but the HD gets zip. I don't get it.

Because LDs rank sex last.

The LDs seem to make great efforts to provide for their children's needs, but the HD gets zip. I don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Way over analysis. I probably wouldn't even remember this thread in 2 years.

No, but your resentments will still be there. You're missing my point, because you don't want to face how YOUR choices and your role in your marriage is contributing. Bottom line.

My child won't know anything because I won't say anything to the child. What every time frame from now, If i'm still only having sex once a month, i still won't be happy. I don't see what it has to do with my child. Perhaps I resent DW for having another child and therefore preventing me from having more sex? Maybe. What exactly are my choices contributing to?

READ THE BOLDED PART! This is what I am talking about. Are you being purposely dense now? Do you not think that these feelings toward your wife will bleed into your feelings for you child and affect you all?

I repeat - get a therapist, stat.