I took 9 years “off” so that I could “just” be a mom and wife. I feel great about myself. I reentered the workforce at a higher salary with an even more prestigious role. My whole family benefited from my choices.

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by a quote by Nicole Kosman’s character from the Expats. What do you truly think about women who just want to stay home, tend to the family and are happiest doing this if they can afford to?

I did this and I think it is a mistake

I was very lucky.

However this could have gone horribly wrong.

Having your own job is better. I have adult daughters I taught them better

Best advice my mother gave me the day I was to be married.

Know your families finances ladies, have all passwords, both names on everything or just yours. You run those finances.
The part she was wrong about was being a full time stay at home mother. Even with fantastic finances top 1%.

Anonymous wrote:When I was younger, I thought it was an embarrassment. Now that I'm older (kids in middle school), I don't really care all that much. But, to be honest, I only know one person who is a SAHM, and she came to the U.S. to marry and have kids, so I don't think she's representative of the lifestyle.

I do know several women who have these weird ambiguous consultant gigs--they are neither a SAHM nor a WOHM. And I don't have any particular thoughts about them, they are all quite different from one another.

I think there is probably more difference in women with different kinds of jobs (let's say nanny versus lawyer) than between women who work and women who SAH.

As long as they are not telling me "how busy they are", then that is fine with me.

Anonymous wrote:When I was younger, I thought it was an embarrassment. Now that I'm older (kids in middle school), I don't really care all that much. But, to be honest, I only know one person who is a SAHM, and she came to the U.S. to marry and have kids, so I don't think she's representative of the lifestyle.

I do know several women who have these weird ambiguous consultant gigs--they are neither a SAHM nor a WOHM. And I don't have any particular thoughts about them, they are all quite different from one another.

I think there is probably more difference in women with different kinds of jobs (let's say nanny versus lawyer) than between women who work and women who SAH.

This is me and I'm happy with it as a choice as it's afforded me a lot of flexibility to spend more time with my kids, and also to ramp my work up or down according to the season (I work less in the summer) or what else is going on in life. But it also means I didn't just abandon my career and I derive real value (both in income and in self-worth) through the work I do, which is the culmination of years of experience in my industry.

But it can also be tricky because people don't view your work as "real" because it's not full time or consistent in an obvious way. People also make a ton of assumption about your day to day life that are often based on jealousy or judgment, or both. I know some people who think I do literally nothing. Others think I work all the time and ignore my kids at home. I've met people who assume I bill time to clients when I'm taking care of my kids (I'm way too ethical for that and also most of my work is project-based, not hours-based, so it doesn't even make sense).

As a practical matter, I think my set up is the ideal marriage of being a working mom but having a lot of the advantages of being a SAHM. As an emotional matter it's more complex and I sometimes wish I was either just a SAHM (and could just own it) or had a regular full time job (and could just own that). I sometimes get tired of how other people's feelings about their own lives turn me into a weird Rorschach test for other moms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

The answer is not to have children if you want an important career. You can't do well at both. Chose the career -- and spare the humans you are forcing to sacrifice on your behalf.

What sexist misogynistic bullsh@t. Saying that working mothers should never have children? Wtf is wrong with you?

DP. Isn't the very question posed by the OP inherently sexist and misogynistic too? It's an invitation for women to judge other women based on gender roles and social expectations.

No one is saying that SAHM shouldn't have a career or a happy life. But this (and other) SAHM posters are saying that working mothers are failing as parents and shouldn't have children. You really think these are the same? You really think women who want to work and make money should not be allowed to have children?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

The answer is not to have children if you want an important career. You can't do well at both. Chose the career -- and spare the humans you are forcing to sacrifice on your behalf.

What sexist misogynistic bullsh@t. Saying that working mothers should never have children? Wtf is wrong with you?

DP. Isn't the very question posed by the OP inherently sexist and misogynistic too? It's an invitation for women to judge other women based on gender roles and social expectations.

Uh no, OP asked a question based on a quote from a TV show.

Stay away from people who have strong opinions on this either way. There are some trashy posts in here. Rise above the sexism and be happy with your family.

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

Your opinion clearly presumes that the parent has a choice not to work. What about the mother who works not because she prioritizes material things but because she needs to earn money to put food on the table and a roof over the kid's head? Is she selfish?

Must be difficult for you to understand the world outside of your bubble.

I'm not talking about parents who have no choice financially. I'm talking about parents who don't want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers.

We did that as a family with very little extra money, prioritizing my children over everything else.

It really just robbed your kids of many experiences.

And so did your choice, just different experiences, I guess we value those experiences differently.

My child experienced me, their father and others. So much learning and comfort from many.

Yours gets you all day and dad for an hour at most. Not great but im sure you do the best you can.

Not good.

Most at home mothers aren’t isolated. My husband and I went away on weekends a lot and my mother came over to watch them since they were newborns. Their cousins and aunts and uncles were always around. My stay at home friends were around and we knew each other’s children well. They went to preschool, not a daycare that calls itself a school. Then school and activities.

I was young when I had my first child. I would go to the library, bring my baby and it was full of nannies. Some asked me if I was a nanny. They did a lot of complaining about ridiculous demands the mothers made. They would give the nanny a regimented schedule down to the minute. A schedule she wouldn’t do if she was home.

Well then you robbed your kids of your love from you while they were away from you, apparently,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest since you requested it OP.

I have a low opinion of parents who do not even want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers. I think prioritizing material things and one's own career and self-fulfillment is selfish and indicates a lack of understanding of how important it is for young children to spend most of their time with someone who loves them completely and unconditionally.

A little off of your topic but completely relevant.

Your opinion clearly presumes that the parent has a choice not to work. What about the mother who works not because she prioritizes material things but because she needs to earn money to put food on the table and a roof over the kid's head? Is she selfish?

Must be difficult for you to understand the world outside of your bubble.

I'm not talking about parents who have no choice financially. I'm talking about parents who don't want to be the primary caregiver for their children when they are infants and toddlers.

We did that as a family with very little extra money, prioritizing my children over everything else.

It really just robbed your kids of many experiences.

And so did your choice, just different experiences, I guess we value those experiences differently.

My child experienced me, their father and others. So much learning and comfort from many.

Yours gets you all day and dad for an hour at most. Not great but im sure you do the best you can.

Not good.

Most at home mothers aren’t isolated. My husband and I went away on weekends a lot and my mother came over to watch them since they were newborns. Their cousins and aunts and uncles were always around. My stay at home friends were around and we knew each other’s children well. They went to preschool, not a daycare that calls itself a school. Then school and activities.

I was young when I had my first child. I would go to the library, bring my baby and it was full of nannies. Some asked me if I was a nanny. They did a lot of complaining about ridiculous demands the mothers made. They would give the nanny a regimented schedule down to the minute. A schedule she wouldn’t do if she was home.

When I was younger, I thought it was an embarrassment. Now that I'm older (kids in middle school), I don't really care all that much. But, to be honest, I only know one person who is a SAHM, and she came to the U.S. to marry and have kids, so I don't think she's representative of the lifestyle.

I do know several women who have these weird ambiguous consultant gigs--they are neither a SAHM nor a WOHM. And I don't have any particular thoughts about them, they are all quite different from one another.

I think there is probably more difference in women with different kinds of jobs (let's say nanny versus lawyer) than between women who work and women who SAH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been reading this board for more than ten years, and have always worked, adn needed to work. I was a child prodigy and today am tremendously successful in a field of biomedicine where I both do good and make quite a bit of money.
I have a DH who also makes plenty of money and works hard, but not like big law.
AS my kids finish elementary school I am so, so, tired. I am not doing the best job at either my work, where I increasingly realize my colleagues are childless or empty nesters and fitness nuts. I have a SN child and my other is high needs. I have a fantastic nanny, family in town and a great, helpful DH who does it all, but there is still too much.

I do not know what the answer is and I could not SAH - my nanny is better at most things than me, and we are sending my kids to private to deal with the rest, but..it is too much. So if SAH is working for someone, who am I to judge? (I know this last comment is virtually sacrilege on DCUM, but I told you I was tired!)

The answer is not to have children if you want an important career. You can't do well at both. Chose the career -- and spare the humans you are forcing to sacrifice on your behalf.

What sexist misogynistic bullsh@t. Saying that working mothers should never have children? Wtf is wrong with you?

DP. Isn't the very question posed by the OP inherently sexist and misogynistic too? It's an invitation for women to judge other women based on gender roles and social expectations.

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by a quote by Nicole Kosman’s character from the Expats. What do you truly think about women who just want to stay home, tend to the family and are happiest doing this if they can afford to?

I think as long as they're committed to the "homemaker" role and don't just see themselves as a "stay at home MOM" it's fine. Also acknowledge they have it easy and not whine about being a default parent and demand equal contribution in house chores from their husbands -- if you sign up for this, you sign up for the whole thing. You're not just a glorified nanny to your children. Do the job, recognize that it's a LOT easier than being employed, and smile a lot. Be sure to greet your husband at the door with a cocktail and a smile when he comes home.

Anonymous wrote:I want to know what their Plan B is when the kids leave for college or if a divorce happens.

If the kid leaves for college thab they retire.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fairly boring and reductive and reduce anyone to what they are doing for what is the end is probably only like 20% or 30% of their life.

I also think competency is such an underrated thing, so if you are competent and energetic about whatever you’re doing you’re like in the top 5% of people.

Huh? It’s your job that has an end date, aka your retirement. Unless the worst happens and you experience a loss, you are a wife and mother for good.

Are you one of the people that call yourself a SAHM when your kid is 30?

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fairly boring and reductive and reduce anyone to what they are doing for what is the end is probably only like 20% or 30% of their life.

I also think competency is such an underrated thing, so if you are competent and energetic about whatever you’re doing you’re like in the top 5% of people.

Great answer.