Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

I think it’s really interesting that you describe her as “very troubled” but yet you received no response from her. Ignoring you seems like the most advisable response for her in this situation and is not what a “very troubled” person would do. So either your message never reached her or your husband’s description of her may not add up. Hmm.

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

Are you and he getting couples therapy? Is he getting individual therapy so he can work on why he risked his marriage and family for a shiny new toy? Do you believe him when he says she's troubled? Why believe him since, well, he lied about having an affair?

In other words: Your supposed closure you got from contacting her means nothing unless you and he are working on the root causes of his cheating and he is committing (not just in words but in actions) to being faithful. People who go after something new often are not contented for long when they lose their new plaything and will crave more newness eventually. If he's not working hard on that aspect of himself, with outside professional help, all the contact and questions with the OW mean nothing. They're a temporary salve to your hurt feelings but do not change HIS issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

For your sake I hope this is the end of it. Asking questions was incredibly foolish of you but you know that.

If she’s really “troubled” you may be in for a world of pain, but it’s probably what your husband deserves anyway.

Not to mention that your husband probably painted his AP as « troubled ».

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

For your sake I hope this is the end of it. Asking questions was incredibly foolish of you but you know that.

If she’s really “troubled” you may be in for a world of pain, but it’s probably what your husband deserves anyway.

I’m OP I contacted her. Fairly innocuous note asking a few clarifying questions and empathizing with the many lies he told her. No response. I able to let this go now, not sure I can explain why, but I am.

Fwiw, this young woman is very troubled. I don’t consider her any one my husband would have chosen long term. She’s attractive, I’m attractive, but yes she was younger and “new”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because clearly there was something broken. The least responsible is the side piece. It’s not their responsibility to keep your marriage together. You can hate on them all you want, but it’s only because you actually hate your spouse and yourself.

The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because obviously she is a witch controls her poor husband, except when she wants him to not cheat, in which case she fails even at being a good witch. Next up after that is the cheater's mother, who probably loved him too much, or too little. Next up after that is the UPS man, who probably made the BW neglect her husband while she was busy lusting after his little brown shorts. Next up is the coworker who got a promotion that the cheater wanted, because what was the cheater supposed to do, have good self-esteem all on his own? Last, and of course least too, is the OW, who exists on some kind of ethereal plane of awesomeness where other humans' petty little lives matter not.

The spouse is typically blaming the cheater’s mother more than her cheating husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

Then leave it at that. Seems you are riding high from the “win” so if you’re investors in saving your marriage, then this feeling is a good one.
If you contact her, it will sink that feeling. Bc you’ll start to realize that even though he chose you in the end, he should have chosen you in the beginning and in the middle too, and he didn’t. That’s the flaw.

Don’t revisit this.

+ 1.

That's just a supposition pulled out of nothing. Are you a therapist who has counseled dozens of betrayed partners, and found them all to be fixated on blaming their mother-in-laws? I've read a lot of infidelity posts and I've rarely even seen the MIL mentioned at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because clearly there was something broken. The least responsible is the side piece. It’s not their responsibility to keep your marriage together. You can hate on them all you want, but it’s only because you actually hate your spouse and yourself.

The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because obviously she is a witch controls her poor husband, except when she wants him to not cheat, in which case she fails even at being a good witch. Next up after that is the cheater's mother, who probably loved him too much, or too little. Next up after that is the UPS man, who probably made the BW neglect her husband while she was busy lusting after his little brown shorts. Next up is the coworker who got a promotion that the cheater wanted, because what was the cheater supposed to do, have good self-esteem all on his own? Last, and of course least too, is the OW, who exists on some kind of ethereal plane of awesomeness where other humans' petty little lives matter not.

The spouse is typically blaming the cheater’s mother more than her cheating husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

Then leave it at that. Seems you are riding high from the “win” so if you’re investors in saving your marriage, then this feeling is a good one.
If you contact her, it will sink that feeling. Bc you’ll start to realize that even though he chose you in the end, he should have chosen you in the beginning and in the middle too, and he didn’t. That’s the flaw.

Don’t revisit this.

+ 1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So is this one of the threads Jeff was referring to that has been posted by the same woman in the last few days? Referenced in the post he just locked down about OP’s husband telling his AP that OP is revolting?

OP, if that is you, all I can say is there is no way out of this mess until you get tired enough of mistreatment and tired enough of feeling the way you feel now. Then and only then will you feel better. I really do wish you the best. It’s not fun being lost like this.

+1

I'd love for the OW to get hit by Karma, but in this case OP is trying to make herself feel better any way but the only way that would actually work: leaving her husband. Nothing else is going to scratch that itch, OP.

Bingo !!!!

Also Karma! But people don’t like to think about that. And plotting revenge never brings good karma.

Cheaters are narcissistic. The do not give a cr*p about their wrong doing or your hurt feelings. Living well is the best and only revenge OP.

Anonymous wrote:The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because clearly there was something broken. The least responsible is the side piece. It’s not their responsibility to keep your marriage together. You can hate on them all you want, but it’s only because you actually hate your spouse and yourself.

The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because obviously she is a witch controls her poor husband, except when she wants him to not cheat, in which case she fails even at being a good witch. Next up after that is the cheater's mother, who probably loved him too much, or too little. Next up after that is the UPS man, who probably made the BW neglect her husband while she was busy lusting after his little brown shorts. Next up is the coworker who got a promotion that the cheater wanted, because what was the cheater supposed to do, have good self-esteem all on his own? Last, and of course least too, is the OW, who exists on some kind of ethereal plane of awesomeness where other humans' petty little lives matter not.

Anonymous wrote:I would love APs wife to call me. So many things I’d love to tell her about. He’s been lying to her (and me) for years.

About what, the second AP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

OP, I hope you read this. Trash doesn’t care if you call them trash. Don’t stoop to her level.

I think the Jerry Springer show is looking for a replacement host. If Stormy Daniels isn’t free maybe the PP can shoot her shot.

Trashy is cheating on your husband or “dating” married men, being on only fans or being a sugar baby.

Also trashy is married men “dating,” watching only fans and having a sugar baby

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

Then leave it at that. Seems you are riding high from the “win” so if you’re investors in saving your marriage, then this feeling is a good one.
If you contact her, it will sink that feeling. Bc you’ll start to realize that even though he chose you in the end, he should have chosen you in the beginning and in the middle too, and he didn’t. That’s the flaw.

Don’t revisit this.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve posted before and I know that tge overwhelming advice is not to, but I am really thinking I have to or it’s going to bother me forever. Anyone do this and glad they did?

Yes he’s the one I hold accountable, but it’s a matter of pride or something deep in me that feels this need some strongly.

Do it and let us know how it goes. Good luck, OP.

The cheater is to blame. Next up is the spouse because clearly there was something broken. The least responsible is the side piece. It’s not their responsibility to keep your marriage together. You can hate on them all you want, but it’s only because you actually hate your spouse and yourself.