Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

It's beneath your husband, though.

You know nothing about my DH. He is VERY involved. And no, he doesn’t think wiping his preschool son’s arse is beneath him at all.

Women with full-time jobs, guess what, are also VERY involved. But they're not making domestic work the focus of their lives. Much like your husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided for me to SAH over 10 years ago when my DH made far less than he does now. I think he made MAYBE 100k/year. We cut back on everything to make it work. He makes around 1 mil/year now.

He probably wouldn't be where he is without your sacrifice. Sadly, not many men would do it for their wives.

I actually hate this. She is his mommy taking care of all personalities so he can be a workaholic. These kind of couples screw it up for parents who want an actual work-life balance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

And your post about Hispanics is offensive.

+1 Ouch, that’s racist

I think it’s great that your teens love having long discussions with you but aren’t you also showing them that it’s normal for women to not work? Like dad makes all the money, mom takes care of us. So what is the point of them trying hard in school and having good careers if that’s their destiny too?

I’m an attorney (my mom was a SAHM). By modeling being an attorney, I’m not showing my kids this is the only way, just that this is my way. My mom was a great SAHM -she approached it with energy, enthusiasm, joy, and a great work ethic. All those personality traits she modeled for me helped shape me to aim for my own particular goals. I do not understand this unimaginative, siloed thinking that we are such a brain dead people that we can only mimic what is right before our eyes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

It's beneath your husband, though.

You know nothing about my DH. He is VERY involved. And no, he doesn’t think wiping his preschool son’s arse is beneath him at all.

Women with full-time jobs, guess what, are also VERY involved. But they're not making domestic work the focus of their lives. Much like your husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

It's beneath your husband, though.

You know nothing about my DH. He is VERY involved. And no, he doesn’t think wiping his preschool son’s arse is beneath him at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

And your post about Hispanics is offensive.

+1 Ouch, that’s racist

I think it’s great that your teens love having long discussions with you but aren’t you also showing them that it’s normal for women to not work? Like dad makes all the money, mom takes care of us. So what is the point of them trying hard in school and having good careers if that’s their destiny too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

And your post about Hispanics is offensive.

+1 Ouch, that’s racist

I think it’s great that your teens love having long discussions with you but aren’t you also showing them that it’s normal for women to not work? Like dad makes all the money, mom takes care of us. So what is the point of them trying hard in school and having good careers if that’s their destiny too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

What’s offensive is YOUR thinking the domestic work is somehow beneath you. You’d be ok outsourcing it to your Hispanic housekeeper or nanny but won’t do it yourself? What message does THAT send your children? “Taking care of you and our home is beneath me because I’m SUCH an intellectual“. I happen to love dressing my “drooling” toddler. My teens love having long discussions with their educated mother who actually has time for those conversations because I am not rushing off to work or distracted. There is no better way for me to use my intellect and talent than in service to my family.

It's beneath your husband, though.

Anonymous wrote:Why does division of labor in a two adult partnership have to be SO gender-based?

Women do the non-paid labor, men made the decisions that impact lots of people or make lots of money. Men have offices and staff, women wash dishes, vacuum and dress drooling toddlers.

If we are actually intellectual equals, why is this not offensive? (And who thinks it is not sending negative messages, to the children growing up in such environments?)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided for me to SAH over 10 years ago when my DH made far less than he does now. I think he made MAYBE 100k/year. We cut back on everything to make it work. He makes around 1 mil/year now.

He probably wouldn't be where he is without your sacrifice. Sadly, not many men would do it for their wives.

I actually hate this. She is his mommy taking care of all personalities so he can be a workaholic. These kind of couples screw it up for parents who want an actual work-life balance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick minor hijacking of the thread, if you will forgive me and humor the side question. DCUM readers skew affluent; I'd be curious to know how much this affluent group thinks is enough annual income from the working outside home parent to have the other parent SAH, in a two-kid family.

I got divorced, with elementary and middle school kids. We both worked fulltime out of the house and had a HHI of around $700k. Now I'm a single person kids half-time, and I earn about $400k. $400k doesn't feel like a enough to me. Well, it is definitely "enough" but I'm a worry wart with money, and so it feels like cutting it too close - what if I lose my job, etc.? Maybe $600k with a sense of job security or marketable / moveable / in-demand skills?

I hear you. I have a HHI of 600k and I make about half. I can’t imagine losing the other half. I’m not even sending my kids to private school.

Where on earth does all your money go? We make 1/3 what you make and live comfortably.

DP.
They probably have a lot of fixed expenses. Most of them are taxes and housing, but they probably also have student loans and possibly car payments. They are probably also saving a lot for retirement and kids’ college tuition. They probably live far from family, so they are paying to outsource some things like cleaning and childcare, and they have to fly to see them once or twice a year.

Taxes: $200k
Housing (mortgage, taxes, maintenance): $120k
Student loans (two professional degrees): $35k
Car payments: $15k
Insurance (car, health, life, disability): $10k
Retirement: $65k
Kids’ college: $15k
Outsourcing (childcare, yard, biweekly cleaning): $50k
Vacations (one real vacation and otherwise go to visit family): $20k

Total: $530k

So, they have roughly $6k/month to pay for everything else including food, clothes, entertainment, furniture, gas, kids activities, etc.

It sounds like a lot, but they are like, “How is it that we make $600k/yr and still have an iPhone 6 and buy most of our clothes at Target? We don’t even send our kids to private school.”

I can see how it seems impossible to think about living on half of that.

Oh, I’m crying hot tears for their money anxiety….

FWIW, we have a higher HHI, but I would never do the woe is me crap. We bank plenty of money knowing it gives us a huge cushion should something happen to one of our jobs. If you are that worried, buy a cheaper house, a non-luxury car, and talk to a half decent CPA about how not to pay $200K in taxes on $600K. Some of these whiny posts sound like people who have zero financial planning ability.