Anonymous
11/22/2019 17:20
Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Here's what cheating teaches your child --
1. it's ok to cheat, in anything. To your child, it doesn't matter that your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you. Your cheating ways just teaches your child that cheating is ok.
OR
2. my parent is not a good person. Again, it doesn't matter that your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you. That's how your child will see you.
Do some research on this topic. It's all there.
1. it's ok to cheat, in anything. To your child, it doesn't matter that your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you. Your cheating ways just teaches your child that cheating is ok.
OR
2. my parent is not a good person. Again, it doesn't matter that your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you. That's how your child will see you.
Do some research on this topic. It's all there.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 17:15
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).
You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.
That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.
Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.
You truly are a tool.
It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.
Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.
No they are not. They break the foundation of the family unit. They put in jeopardy their children's emotional and financial health.
It has everything to do with the children, you think you are compartmentalizing but you are not. Your action affect everybody around you. If you cared about your kids you would see it but you are selfish and manipulative and can't see the truth.
Since you are so pro-family for the sake of kids, then you really should be a big supporter of affairs. Because, in the typical cheating-due-to-sexless-marriage scenario, an affair is the ONLY way to prevent divorce.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 17:14
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:To the pp whose dad cheated: it’s hard. I guess if my dad had cheated, I would want some sort of justice and the only way that is in my control is to decide whether to have relationship with him or not. For me, this justice piece is somehow related to well being and expectation for justice for my kids because I teach them to do the right thing in life and you want it to payoff in some sense. Not able to explain clearly.
Thank you for engaging in a meaningful way.
I thought about that too. I dearly missed the relationship I had with my father and I think when it comes down to it, I am still the child and it’s not my place to play judge and jury with my parents relationship. It was hurting me to have so much contempt and hate in my heart for someone I used to love and trust completely. It wasn’t necessarily my or my siblings place to punish him. We definitely did at first. My brother hated my dad so deeply it was almost scary. Like we had to talk him down from confronting him physically. My sister (who is still financially dependent on my parents) thought she might have to drop out of school or take on loans if he decided to stop paying for her school. Luckily he didn’t do any of that...
When I posted on DCUM years ago about this happening a lot of the responses were “why do you care? Stay out of your parents marriage.” I care because it’s not just my parents marriage but my family that is broken now. I’m relieved to not get responses like that again because it really hurt to hear that I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on my parents marriage.
Dear 29 year poster: i hope you're still on. Some thoughts:
--trust yourself. I am older than you and this is one thing I would say to my younger self. You are smart, thoughtful person and you should trust yourself feelings/thoughts/decisions. Don't buy in to group thinking. Get opinions and then decide what's good for you.
--society is built on consequences. If I don't want certain behavior to occur, there need to be consequences in place if that behavior occurs. We teach that to kids, we have laws in society, we have policies at work etc. Therefore, I would want my dad to have consequences (ones that I can control) if he did cheat. I don't think hate is the answer but strong consequences are important so that there is less of that behavior in the future (e.g. for your kids when they grow up).
--I find that women face consequences more in these types of situations because we accept it to a certain degree more. Men are more forceful about outcome they want (no consequence for cheating for example) and will expect outcome to be the way they want it. Look at how many of the men respond to these types of posts. I don't want to accept that situation as a woman.
Since you have heard one side of the story on this forum, I wanted to bring the other perspective. Hopefully you read this and decide the best outcome for you. It's been a good discussion.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 17:03
Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:^ Did you seriously just write that cheating is not detrimental?
It is not. If there is a fallout, it is the parents actions that could be detrimental. But the act of having sex outside the marriage itself—no, it is not detrimental.
IF an affair is discovered and a spouse goes crazy and tells the kids, THAT is detrimental. Instead they should admit it is over and get a divorce if they want a divorce. Involving kids is detrimental...not the act itself.
Kids don't always find out about infidelity by a parent telling them. Sometimes, they witness it or find evidence of it themselves.
You people are in deep denial if you think your infidelity doesn't impact how your child feels, and I truly feel sorry for your children.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 17:00
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
DP.. you're in denial. Ask family therapists what the cheating does to the kids. Divorce is hard on the kids, but when it involves infidelity, it's even harder.
Your experience is anecdotal. Look at the research.
Is it any worse than divorce in general? What do therapists say about kids who grow up in a household where the parents are mean, nasty, and resentful towards each other while they "stay together for the kids?"
Divorce is hard, period. But infidelity adds an extra level of hurt and anger. Infidelity breaks a child's trust in the parent, more so than a child seeing the parents fight.
That is BS. My parents had a terrible marriage. Terrible. Infidelity and even a divorce would have been far better than growing up in a toxic, resentful, unhappy, argumentative home “for the kids” or “for appearances” until I was finally grown up and could leave.
As stated earlier... divorce is hard. Yes, when kids see parents fighting all the time, it is hurtful, but again, infidelity adds another dimension.
Anecdotes are just that. Look at the research and go talk to a therapist.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 16:48
Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:^ Did you seriously just write that cheating is not detrimental?
It is not. If there is a fallout, it is the parents actions that could be detrimental. But the act of having sex outside the marriage itself—no, it is not detrimental.
IF an affair is discovered and a spouse goes crazy and tells the kids, THAT is detrimental. Instead they should admit it is over and get a divorce if they want a divorce. Involving kids is detrimental...not the act itself.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 16:44
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
DP.. you're in denial. Ask family therapists what the cheating does to the kids. Divorce is hard on the kids, but when it involves infidelity, it's even harder.
Your experience is anecdotal. Look at the research.
Is it any worse than divorce in general? What do therapists say about kids who grow up in a household where the parents are mean, nasty, and resentful towards each other while they "stay together for the kids?"
Divorce is hard, period. But infidelity adds an extra level of hurt and anger. Infidelity breaks a child's trust in the parent, more so than a child seeing the parents fight.
That is BS. My parents had a terrible marriage. Terrible. Infidelity and even a divorce would have been far better than growing up in a toxic, resentful, unhappy, argumentative home “for the kids” or “for appearances” until I was finally grown up and could leave.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 16:43
Subject: How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
^ Did you seriously just write that cheating is not detrimental?
Anonymous
11/22/2019 16:41
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).
You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.
That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.
Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.
You truly are a tool.
It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.
Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.
No they are not. They break the foundation of the family unit. They put in jeopardy their children's emotional and financial health.
It has everything to do with the children, you think you are compartmentalizing but you are not. Your action affect everybody around you. If you cared about your kids you would see it but you are selfish and manipulative and can't see the truth.
Sex is not at the core of the family unit. A legal marriage certificate is. That is the foundation—not the parents sexual relationship or lack thereof. It does not affect their emotional or financial health. Sex has nothing to do with that. A divorce might affect that but divorce can happen anyway and cheating does not cause divorce. The act itself is not detrimental. Grown ups can also divorce amicably to minimize any impacts in any situation, including cheating. You still assume people always get discovered or always get divorced...not necessarily true. Many wives stay anyway. In cases where divorce happens, it was probably going to happen anyway. Most people do not cheat unless there are major relationship issues and in most cases, that marriage is broken. The cheater is too conflict avoidant to bring up issues and seeks intimacy elsewhere. That has nothing to do with kids.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 16:30
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
DP.. you're in denial. Ask family therapists what the cheating does to the kids. Divorce is hard on the kids, but when it involves infidelity, it's even harder.
Your experience is anecdotal. Look at the research.
Is it any worse than divorce in general? What do therapists say about kids who grow up in a household where the parents are mean, nasty, and resentful towards each other while they "stay together for the kids?"
Divorce is hard, period. But infidelity adds an extra level of hurt and anger. Infidelity breaks a child's trust in the parent, more so than a child seeing the parents fight.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 16:30
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).
You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.
That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.
Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.
You truly are a tool.
It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.
Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.
You are a tool too and completely missed my point. Kids are going to be affected by the deceit. It is not complex.
It is not about the sex it is about the lies. Children look at, process and understand the world differently than adults. When they hear that mom and dad are no longer going to be married because mom/dad has chosen some one else. All children see is that mom/dad don’t love me and would rather be with another family. Children do not care about sexless marriages or low libido spouses or built up resentment. What they will care about is the one person who is suppose to protect me I can no longer trust.
You are still not getting it. Cheating has nothing to do with kids. They can still trust a parent.
You seem to have a narrow idea of what cheating looks like. Many do not divorce. Many are not caught. I think it is relatively rare where a cheating spouse leaves and immediately takes up with another partner. That happens but it is more rare than you think. That happened to my uncle/cousins. Kids are adults now—guess what? Everyone turned out fine—kids successful, well-adjusted adults now. No one resents their dad. All still close. Kids get over this even in the worst scenario, which for some reason you assume is the norm. It is not.
DP.. you're in denial. Ask family therapists what the cheating does to the kids. Divorce is hard on the kids, but when it involves infidelity, it's even harder.
Your experience is anecdotal. Look at the research.
I am not talking about my personal experience (except seeing it in my extended family). I am talking logically and what I have seen and read. I would not divorce over cheating. And even if it happened, I do not feel it has anything to do with kids. It has to do with me and my spouse if that happened. Kids have nothing to do with it. Even in any divorce, even with cheating, I would still never tell kids. Adults’ sex lives are not their business and it is only one part of marriage.
Anonymous
11/22/2019 15:41
Subject: Re:How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?
DP.. you're in denial. Ask family therapists what the cheating does to the kids. Divorce is hard on the kids, but when it involves infidelity, it's even harder.
Your experience is anecdotal. Look at the research.
Is it any worse than divorce in general? What do therapists say about kids who grow up in a household where the parents are mean, nasty, and resentful towards each other while they "stay together for the kids?"