Anonymous wrote:OP - I think you should ask this thread to be taken down. I'm glad people were helpful, but your daughter REALLY doesn't need this to be public, and there are some terribly meanspirited people out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

So you're saying that the 15 yo gets no say in this?

DP, if she is saying don’t tell Because she’s afraid of being retaliated against by the bully girls then I don’t think that’s a reason to not tell and I surmise that is why she’s saying don’t say anything, as well as being embarrassed. Shame and fear are Reasons bullies get away with the behavior.

I see. So basically, you're guessing, and have felt it appropriate to exhort OP to disregard her daughter's wishes based on this speculation. Got it.

Again, with all due respect, just shut up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

So you're saying that the 15 yo gets no say in this?

DP, if she is saying don’t tell Because she’s afraid of being retaliated against by the bully girls then I don’t think that’s a reason to not tell and I surmise that is why she’s saying don’t say anything, as well as being embarrassed. Shame and fear are Reasons bullies get away with the behavior.

I see. So basically, you're guessing, and have felt it appropriate to exhort OP to disregard her daughter's wishes based on this speculation. Got it.

Again, with all due respect, just shut up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

So you're saying that the 15 yo gets no say in this?

DP, if she is saying don’t tell Because she’s afraid of being retaliated against by the bully girls then I don’t think that’s a reason to not tell and I surmise that is why she’s saying don’t say anything, as well as being embarrassed. Shame and fear are Reasons bullies get away with the behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

So you're saying that the 15 yo gets no say in this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

Anonymous wrote:
This is not a case of people flexing helicopter Mom tendencies. That would be calling the Coach about playing time. Many of us have seen what happens when you don't speak up with these type of incidents. It goes from bad to worse because the perpetrators believe they can do what they want since nobody called them on their bullying actions. The next time it will be something worse. The adults have to be adults sometimes and do things that may make people uncomfortable.

OP this is a clear case of bullying and intimidation. There is no other way to look at and by not saying anything you are allowing these girls to get away with it. What happens when these same girls are named Captain's?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Good God, shut up, both of you. I initially said that if I were OP, I'd have contacted the coach, too. But her daughter asked her not to, OP decided to accede to her wishes, and so that ship has sailed. OP has made her decision, and she, and her daughter are at peace with it. This constant second-guessing just is not helpful, and ignores the fact that OP's daughter is not a little kid (she's at least 15 yo, from the context) and is entitled to have a say in how this is handled. The fact that you (and numerous others) feel like you know better because you're read a half dozen posts from OP is ludicrous - you're just flexing your helicopter Mom tendencies. And as for the suggestion that OP needs to do this for the good of the school, or the team, or society, and that silence is how kids end up "sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation"" - stuff it. OP is concerned about her daughter's well-being. If her daughter wanted her to take action, or was experiencing ongoing issues, I may feel differently, but there's been no indication from OP that's the case.

tl;dr - Just shut up. Please.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may not wish to update, as so many are badgering her for the decisions she has made so far.

It's not that. This is OP. All of the responses and the crowdsourcing has been really helpful. Reading your ideas and seeing your critiques of them online has also been enormously helpful. And I have been truly touched by the collective support that at times has brought me to tears. A PP said a while back that at least everyone agrees that the stunt was either cruel or bullying and I must admit that that universal sentiment educated me and has also buoyed me and helped me to help my DD (in that heart-to-heart I actually said to her I would not refer to the prank as a prank any longer because it was straight up bullying).

But...the situation has just gotten a little trickier and I will likely lay low off these boards now and let things play out.

On one hand, my DD seems to have gotten to a much better place. Though she continues to ask me not to go to the administration or the coach, our talks (aided by your ideas) have helped her take off her rose colored glasses about her teammates. As I said before, she has decided to remain on the team but will not put all her eggs in that friendship basket. She actually chose an entirely different group of kids to hang out with this weekend (as opposed to teammates or just staying home) and I was thrilled. She also has decided to take me up on my offer to get her some extra coaching to help strengthen her skills so that there is no question about whether she merits her position as a starter or, hopefully, that will help her jump to the next level (varsity).

OTOH, I think the parent situation has gotten trickier. There is one fact I've been holding back from this board: a team parent (not Arranger-Parent) is also a teacher at the school. It was this person I assumed I would see yesterday, among others, and I was waiting to gauge their reaction -- I thought it would tell me a lot since it was their DD who said she felt bad (so I assume Teacher-Parent knows). But, did Teacher-Parent find out from her DD before or during or after? Did/Will Teacher-Parent tell coach or administration? Well, I did not see Teacher-Parent but I was asked to coffee later this week by another parent to "catch up" in a way that made me wonder whether this Coffee-Parent is fully aware. I believe this is a sympathetic parent and perhaps reading this thread??? If so, I appreciate your offer for coffee and conversation.

I don't know where this is going to all lead now but I am happy that my DD is in a better place and is holding her head high. I will update if I can.

-OP