NP here. I grew up in a home with emotionally divorced parents-two emotionally detached people living two separate lives in the same home. My parents are fundamentally good people who are simply incompatible with each other. Divorce (outside of issues like abuse, addiction, crime, etc) was not an option for people in their generation/culture. In the early years, when they still thought their marriage was salvageable, there was a lot more fighting. From late ES onward, most of the open fighting just stopped. But my parents also stopped spending time with each other outside of activities we absolutely had to do as a family. Their entire relationship became predicated around hh management, childcare, eldercare, and maintaining the facade of a happy marriage to extended family/friends. Once my parents no longer had to deal with distractions from their marriage like childcare and eldercare, their marriage started to unravel again. They had to find new reasons for staying married- mostly financial security in their old age and feeling like they were too old to start over again.

People talk a lot about the negative effects of divorce (even amicable divorce)- having emotionally divorced/detached parents also involves its own set of issues. My brother and I always knew our parents' relationship wasn't normal. We didn't have an unhappy home but it wasn't happy either. They avoided each other except to handle daily logistical issues. Since my parents couldn't turn to each other as confidants, they turned to their children instead. Once my brother and I became adults, they began involving us in their marital issues. For the past twenty years, my parents have confirmed over and over again what we felt as kids. Both of my parents also don't see the other as their primary companion- they don't enjoy spending with each other so they, once again, turn to their children instead. Whenever my brother and I have tried to draw boundaries, we usually get hit with "we sacrifice so much for you/we stayed married for you." (Btw, we see them about 2-3x a month so it isn't an issue of not spending enough time with them.)

My parents stopped caring because that's what it took for them to stay married. In some ways, it actually increased their ability to handle hh/childcare/eldercare issues as a team. They became like co-workers who didn't particularly get along but were deeply committed to their profession. And out of professionalism, they put aside their egos/personal issues in order to get the job done. However, marriage isn't a profession and once the day/project ended, they couldn't go home. From a generational/cultural/individual perspective, I understand why my parents did what they did. I absolutely believe that my parents did the best they could. However, I can also say that I don't want the responsibility of my parents' happiness. I wish they didn't stay married for their children. Certainly, I would have wanted them to try to their best to resolve their issues but stay in an emotionally void/dysfunctional marriage? Absolutely not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. This happened to me too. I adored my husband and tried to please him and looked for his constant approval. He was an asshole on many occasions and I realized I was the one who loved him more in the relationship.

It's been almost 10 years and I don't care acdamn anymore. I don't care if we divorce tomorrow. Our marriage couldn't be better, he adores me and pretty much kisses my ass. It's evident he is the one who loves me more now.

Go figure.

I stopped caring and respecting and loving an ex who cheated. Didnt care and he became more jealous and worried. He went as far as stalking me and giving me countless gifts and more attention. As soon as you dont care he knows you are unemotional as he and willing to cheat and act selfish as he did.

Holy crap. Now I've heard it all.

Why would you live like this? Don't you think you deserve more? Deserve to be loved? Deserve to love someone? Have someone you trust in this world? Someone who has your back?

Wow.

Does it sound like I gave a shit after he cheated? I ignored him because I had no more emotions for him but he said he did hence the attention he gave me. After I stopped caring about him I felt free to love someone else but he stayed in the hopes I would change my mind.

So you think your experience with dating and, no kids, is comparable to that of these people posting from within decades-long marriages with kids. This is seriously not the thread for idealism. Sometimes you have to be practical and figure out how to make necessary compromises with good grace.

I'll be nice, and look for the positive in your posts: you are right about how it's a horrible thing to grow up in a home with hostile parents. Sorry you grew up that way, and that is exactly what people are talking about trying to avoid here. We really do not want our kids to grow up in hostile homes, nor do we want to divorce and break up the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this from two perspectives, on one hand I think that there are some spouses who are just too nagging. Those types can benefit from letting up and just letting each other breathe. But what some of you describe sounds like you're just married to say you're married and you don't do anything as a team. I recently "stopped caring" in a relationship and I left him. I wasn't going to just say "well I don't care" -!: compromise what my standards and wants in life are. You can easily "I don't care" you're life into the ground. I feel like it is a bit of a lean in just to say that you don't care and you'll just go along with whatever for the sake of the relationship. So yes, sometimes simply backing off can help... but When it hurts more than it helps, it's no longer worth it.

I'm guessing you don't have children.

I don't, but I don't think that children of two detached, emotionally divorced parents living in the same home will fare any better than the parents who just call it what it is- divorce. What is the point of just staying to gether when everyone (including your kids) know that you are unhappy and the two of you simply live separate lives in the same home.

You keep posting your theories, yet you have no experience in how to manage a less-than-happy marriage and you have no children. You don't understand this kind of situation until you live it. Maybe you should let people who understand things speak here, and you listen, instead of arguing with their experience. There is much insight, speaking from much experience, in this thread.

First of all, I'm not arguing. I'm not sure why you're trying to pick a fight with me. I started by post with "I see this from two perspectives". The Op is talking about relationships in general, no? So yeah, like I said, I see that there is more incentive to just say "fuck it, i don't care" when you have a family to maintain, BUT I can also tell you that as a child from that type of relationship, it is not necessarily helping your kids in the long run. Seeing my mom hate the relationship she was in and seeing my dad completely unaware of the fact that his wife could take him or leave him... kids pick up on that too. While divorce does break up a family, sometimes being raised in two homes with happy parents is better than living in 1 home where there is animosity in the air.

A PP nailed it. Emotionally divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this from two perspectives, on one hand I think that there are some spouses who are just too nagging. Those types can benefit from letting up and just letting each other breathe. But what some of you describe sounds like you're just married to say you're married and you don't do anything as a team. I recently "stopped caring" in a relationship and I left him. I wasn't going to just say "well I don't care" -!: compromise what my standards and wants in life are. You can easily "I don't care" you're life into the ground. I feel like it is a bit of a lean in just to say that you don't care and you'll just go along with whatever for the sake of the relationship. So yes, sometimes simply backing off can help... but When it hurts more than it helps, it's no longer worth it.

I'm guessing you don't have children.

I don't, but I don't think that children of two detached, emotionally divorced parents living in the same home will fare any better than the parents who just call it what it is- divorce. What is the point of just staying to gether when everyone (including your kids) know that you are unhappy and the two of you simply live separate lives in the same home.

You keep posting your theories, yet you have no experience in how to manage a less-than-happy marriage and you have no children. You don't understand this kind of situation until you live it. Maybe you should let people who understand things speak here, and you listen, instead of arguing with their experience. There is much insight, speaking from much experience, in this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this from two perspectives, on one hand I think that there are some spouses who are just too nagging. Those types can benefit from letting up and just letting each other breathe. But what some of you describe sounds like you're just married to say you're married and you don't do anything as a team. I recently "stopped caring" in a relationship and I left him. I wasn't going to just say "well I don't care" -!: compromise what my standards and wants in life are. You can easily "I don't care" you're life into the ground. I feel like it is a bit of a lean in just to say that you don't care and you'll just go along with whatever for the sake of the relationship. So yes, sometimes simply backing off can help... but When it hurts more than it helps, it's no longer worth it.

I'm guessing you don't have children.

I don't, but I don't think that children of two detached, emotionally divorced parents living in the same home will fare any better than the parents who just call it what it is- divorce. What is the point of just staying to gether when everyone (including your kids) know that you are unhappy and the two of you simply live separate lives in the same home.

This thread hit me at the right time. I'm sick with a cold and decided to go home early to rest. Dh wanted to have lunch since he was getting off early too. When we were talking he asked if I wanted to just go home and rest. In that moment, feeing like crap, I decided to go home. I'm resting on the couch when he walks in, ignoring me, sniping he wishes we could have gone to lunch until he goes upstairs and takes a nap without speaking to me.

I just had read this thread and you know what? I don't care if he's annoyed. I am taking care of myself. I went to sleep and woke up feeling better. He's still sleeping.

I am going to pick up the kids from daycare and Lee on moving. He can sleep the day away. I'm taking care of myself first.

I haven't read all the replies, but I totally get what OP is saying. Stopping caring also helped our marriage, especially our sex life.

It makes total sense. If you engage your partner's negative emotions, it reinforces their behavior. Think about it - they tell all parents to ignore children who are behaving poorly or you create negative intimacy. The converse is also true. You can provide more emotional intimacy when your spouse is acting like a reasonable partner, in and out of the bedroom.

It does sound manipulative, on paper, but it really works and has strengthened our marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

Yeah, my husband was "wonderful and kind" when we were just dating also.

Nah, your husband and this man have nothing in common. And neither do you and I.

I really didn't know situations like this existed. It's so pathetic.

+1

+2

Anonymous wrote:I see this from two perspectives, on one hand I think that there are some spouses who are just too nagging. Those types can benefit from letting up and just letting each other breathe. But what some of you describe sounds like you're just married to say you're married and you don't do anything as a team. I recently "stopped caring" in a relationship and I left him. I wasn't going to just say "well I don't care" -!: compromise what my standards and wants in life are. You can easily "I don't care" you're life into the ground. I feel like it is a bit of a lean in just to say that you don't care and you'll just go along with whatever for the sake of the relationship. So yes, sometimes simply backing off can help... but When it hurts more than it helps, it's no longer worth it.

I'm guessing you don't have children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. This happened to me too. I adored my husband and tried to please him and looked for his constant approval. He was an asshole on many occasions and I realized I was the one who loved him more in the relationship.

It's been almost 10 years and I don't care acdamn anymore. I don't care if we divorce tomorrow. Our marriage couldn't be better, he adores me and pretty much kisses my ass. It's evident he is the one who loves me more now.

Go figure.

I stopped caring and respecting and loving an ex who cheated. Didnt care and he became more jealous and worried. He went as far as stalking me and giving me countless gifts and more attention. As soon as you dont care he knows you are unemotional as he and willing to cheat and act selfish as he did.

Holy crap. Now I've heard it all.

Why would you live like this? Don't you think you deserve more? Deserve to be loved? Deserve to love someone? Have someone you trust in this world? Someone who has your back?

Wow.

I see this from two perspectives, on one hand I think that there are some spouses who are just too nagging. Those types can benefit from letting up and just letting each other breathe. But what some of you describe sounds like you're just married to say you're married and you don't do anything as a team. I recently "stopped caring" in a relationship and I left him. I wasn't going to just say "well I don't care" -!: compromise what my standards and wants in life are. You can easily "I don't care" you're life into the ground. I feel like it is a bit of a lean in just to say that you don't care and you'll just go along with whatever for the sake of the relationship. So yes, sometimes simply backing off can help... but When it hurts more than it helps, it's no longer worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

Yeah, my husband was "wonderful and kind" when we were just dating also.

Nah, your husband and this man have nothing in common. And neither do you and I.

I really didn't know situations like this existed. It's so pathetic.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

Yeah, my husband was "wonderful and kind" when we were just dating also.

Nah, your husband and this man have nothing in common. And neither do you and I.

I really didn't know situations like this existed. It's so pathetic.