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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

Op here,

He tested positive in 2022 and again in January 2025. He claims he didn’t know until this past November, a few months ago. He said me being pregnant prompted him to go back and look at his medical records. At best he’s known for 4 months. At worst 4 years.

Not trying to debate our relationship, just giving you the time timeline.

It's been 4 months and the reason he went back to check was the pregnancy, yes. Here's what we have all learned here- what HSV is and isn't, and he learned it, too. The whole thing was pretty vague, he hadn't and still hadn't presented with anything, and that's what the confusion was. He did his homework, as did a LOT of people did, and freaked out because a child was involved and knew he had to say something before the birth. He did and he was working on that for a woman he loves and a baby he loves. It's a big deal, and how to go about it.

Now- let's discuss you. Why didn't you test and ask him test before intimacy? I mean, it should be assumed in this day and age that this is all really likely. Or, we could ask you why you didn't get you both tested before getting pregnant? Of note- that is what we would expect of most people. It will be pretty hard to find someone now without any STDs. You both have a failing here, and I'm not trying to be critical of you, I understand you are scared and feel betrayed. I'm trying to explain that you both made big mistakes and you both owe each other and your kid some grace * I'm not religious really, but this word suits the predicament.

You both are in this together, and you may decide appropriately or not to end this, but there probably should be more reasons for doing so, not just this. Maybe there are more reasons but don't backmap them now for this. They have to exist on their own. And, if there are reasons, then that is a different story. But, you were happy before this, presumably, and trying to be intimate, so that tells me you love him.

1. He did tell you when he understood the whole picture. He had never presented with symptoms and this is the most COMMON MISCONCEPTION about HSV or HPV. Most people don't understand how many STDs work. You can test positive and never present. You can test negative now and test positive later.
2. He is now concerned about the baby, and that speaks volumes. He had to become extremely vulnerable and admit wrongdoing, admit stupidity, admit failure. Also speaks volumes.
3. You are now exposed, and you should be tested. You also may have been exposed before this and never tested. Doctor is wrong. Your baby will ok, regardless. This happens every day.
4. You can be mad, yes, but give yourself space, time and counseling before making a slam shut decision.
5. If you leave, you will still be in the same situation as he was is. You probably have it, too. Now what?

6. Regardless, he will still be that baby’s father. That is going to be all your lives. You can be married or you can co parent. Good luck dropping off your infant,toddler, teenager to a man you say you cannot trust.

Now- millions of people have HSV 1 and or 2. They are in happy relationships, have children, it's all ok. It's a virus, not a moral failing. He got it the way you were exposed. That's how it works and it is very, very prevalent. Your life isn't over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is one thing I have learned from this thread it’s that people with HSV-2 love to tell people that everyone has it and its no big deal.

Many people contract it or even pass it without knowing. (Not saying that happened here). Once diagnosed it can be managed and transmittal avoided. I’d think most folks would be responsible for a condition that they didn’t actively seek out.

I had a partner with herpes who told me long before we became intimate. I never contracted the virus. He was very clued in with his condition and after that first tough conversation it got easier.

Judge less.

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Anonymous wrote:For HSV having a positive antibody test means you have the antibodies for the virus in your blood. Which means you have it. It means the virus is in your blood. Could be dormant, you could have zero outbreaks, one outbreak or outbreaks all the time. It means you have the virus and can spread it to others. If you test positive for the antibody test you will always test positive for it-because it’s permanent. It’s totally fine if some of you are comfortable with that but it doesn’t change the fact that the person has it. Maybe they will never have an outbreak and will never spread it but honestly there is no way to know that. Someone can have it dormant for years and then have an outbreak.

But that’s not true

Thank you for explaining this. 20 years ago, I tested positive for antibody when I was in HS and I was so confused because I was still a virgin.

I’ve never had a cold sore in my life. When i tested for the hsv again in college (this time i was sexual), I didn’t have the antibody

Most people get HSV-1 during childhood so it wouldn’t be weird at all for you to test positive for it in high school. People get it from being kissed by parents/family members. That being said false negatives/false positives were definitely a thing with the tests 20 years ago so it also was probably just a false positive.

Also they for sure test pregnant women for HSV-2 but only if you tell them you have it/Have possibly been exposed. They asked me about it in all 3 of my pregnancies.

They clearly don’t. If you’re not showing any signs of an outbreak. You can request but they don’t “for sure test”.

Because the OP said her doctor didn’t? Obviously her doctor isn’t a good one. They absolutely test you if you tell them you have it or might have it. Doctors want to protect the babies.

But yeah-who cares. It’s just herpes. It can actually kill babies but no really it’s fine. Some of you are really insane.

Also some of you need to look up what the word permanent means. Because you seem confused.

The last two pages are full of replies from multiple people stating how it’s not standard to test if you’re not showing signs of symptoms. It’s not a reliable test if you’re not showing symptoms because many people will test positive for antibodies - it’s not a reliable test for infection, exposure timeline, etc., only that you’ve simply been exposed, which most of the population has. We’re simply repeating the typical protocol from doctors and health organizations.

Why are you acting like testing positive for the antibodies doesn’t mean you have herpes? That’s literally what it means. Positive antibodies = you have herpes and must inform all partner you have.

Which OP now has to do. She was exposed the same way he was, and he didn't even know he was infected.

She has to do that once it’s confirmed that she has antibodies or herpes. We aren’t sure if she was “exposed” because we aren’t sure if he was shedding or had an outbreak or a viral load in his semen when he had sex with her and also she has described that she hasn’t come in contact with his semen for a while here. Although somehow she is pregnant 20 weeks ago so go figure.

Anyway, I was reading about the documented cases of HIV when it spread in the porn industry from Brazil. All of the people who had unprotected sex with the HIV positive actor did not catch HIV. Nor did they test positive for HIV antibodies. They simply did not catch it. Infected people do not shed virus at a constant or continuous rate, sometimes their semen doesn’t have HIV in it, sometimes it does. You can never tell. So some of them had sex with an HIV positive person but were not exposed to the virus.

See, now you’re just making stuff up. When did I ever say or even allude to anyone’s semen? All you need to do is coming into contact with someone’s skin to get herpes, not their semen. Quite literally said on page 1 how we had sex Saturday and how he couldn’t stay erect.

Anonymous wrote:If there is one thing I have learned from this thread it’s that people with HSV-2 love to tell people that everyone has it and its no big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Wouldn’t you feel better if you just got the blood test? The reason they don’t recommend testing without symptoms has nothing to do with the accuracy of the test-it’s because it sometimes causes depression/emotional reactions when people learn they are positive. Because technically Herpes isn’t actually harmful except in babies (which is a reason i’m surprised your doctor doesn’t want to test you), the benefits of testing don’t outweigh the risks. It’s very common for people to drop into deep depressions and have serious issues with relationships when they find out. Just get the blood test! I simply don’t understand this. You can even order them online and do them yourself in your own house and send them off.

Everyone please watch these two videos from a board certified family medical doctor. She does a really good job at explaining, and she has an entire herpes series.

Video 1
Why blood tests for herpes is NOT reliable and not recommended for testing herpes. You can even test positive if you’ve had chickenpox.

She goes into way more detail

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh44UtH8/

Video 2
A positive herpes test does NOT mean you have herpes.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh448vS1/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Wouldn’t you feel better if you just got the blood test? The reason they don’t recommend testing without symptoms has nothing to do with the accuracy of the test-it’s because it sometimes causes depression/emotional reactions when people learn they are positive. Because technically Herpes isn’t actually harmful except in babies (which is a reason i’m surprised your doctor doesn’t want to test you), the benefits of testing don’t outweigh the risks. It’s very common for people to drop into deep depressions and have serious issues with relationships when they find out. Just get the blood test! I simply don’t understand this. You can even order them online and do them yourself in your own house and send them off.

Everyone please watch these two videos from a board certified family medical doctor. She does a really good job at explaining, and she has an entire herpes series.

Video 1
Why blood tests for herpes is NOT reliable and not recommended for testing herpes. You can even test positive if you’ve had chickenpox.

She goes into way more detail

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh44UtH8/

Video 2
A positive herpes test does NOT mean you have herpes.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh448vS1/

This is complete bullshit. OP, don’t worry! according to this quack a positive herpes test is meaningless and he never had it anyway.

pp, these are for the old tests that they don’t even use anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Wouldn’t you feel better if you just got the blood test? The reason they don’t recommend testing without symptoms has nothing to do with the accuracy of the test-it’s because it sometimes causes depression/emotional reactions when people learn they are positive. Because technically Herpes isn’t actually harmful except in babies (which is a reason i’m surprised your doctor doesn’t want to test you), the benefits of testing don’t outweigh the risks. It’s very common for people to drop into deep depressions and have serious issues with relationships when they find out. Just get the blood test! I simply don’t understand this. You can even order them online and do them yourself in your own house and send them off.

Everyone please watch these two videos from a board certified family medical doctor. She does a really good job at explaining, and she has an entire herpes series.

Video 1
Why blood tests for herpes is NOT reliable and not recommended for testing herpes. You can even test positive if you’ve had chickenpox.

She goes into way more detail

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh44UtH8/

Video 2
A positive herpes test does NOT mean you have herpes.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTh448vS1/

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

Op here,

He tested positive in 2022 and again in January 2025. He claims he didn’t know until this past November, a few months ago. He said me being pregnant prompted him to go back and look at his medical records. At best he’s known for 4 months. At worst 4 years.

Not trying to debate our relationship, just giving you the time timeline.

And again you are clarifying that you are choosing to believe the most dramatic and negative version of events.

Do you really want to give up custody of your baby 50% of the time?

Why are you trying to convince OP to stay in this relationship?

Anonymous wrote:OP, Wouldn’t you feel better if you just got the blood test? The reason they don’t recommend testing without symptoms has nothing to do with the accuracy of the test-it’s because it sometimes causes depression/emotional reactions when people learn they are positive. Because technically Herpes isn’t actually harmful except in babies (which is a reason i’m surprised your doctor doesn’t want to test you), the benefits of testing don’t outweigh the risks. It’s very common for people to drop into deep depressions and have serious issues with relationships when they find out. Just get the blood test! I simply don’t understand this. You can even order them online and do them yourself in your own house and send them off.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who got HSV-2 (genital herpes) after receiving oral sex from a guy who had HSV-1 (cold sores). He didn't even have a visible cold sore at the time. She later learned from her doctor that there can be shedding without a visible cold sore, and that is still a contagious time.

Cool story but HSV-1 doesn’t turn into HsV-2 it’s one or the other. She could get HSV-1 on her genitals though.

You're right. That's how she told it to me, and maybe it's because she was so distraught, but I just looked it up, and you are correct. BTW, it's not a "cool story." She was absolutly devastated, it caused her to sink into a deep depression, and because (of course) she is open and honest with men, she hasn't had a meaningful relationship in 10 years.

You should tell her that there are dating sites specifically for this. At least she wouldn’t have to worry about someone judging her/ not wanting to be in a relationship with her for it.

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Anonymous wrote:Go into counseling OP, you are too emotional right now to think clearly and to make decisions. I wouldn't make a recommendation with regard to splitting up your new family without a lot of time and education first. You are just mad and that isn't a reason to leave this now. There’s a hundred reasons why this happened and it's not really about deception, the way you are making it sound like. There's a lot missing here, and you need to do the work for your baby now. Good luck, dear.

1) being mad about your man lying to you and infecting you with a lifelong disease is 100% enough reason to leave.
2) it's deception at BEST

Sorry, he didn't lie. He didn't understand his results at first. He never presented. He did understand later and told her, albiet late, but they already had sex, already became pregnant, so what would have changed. I mean he's clearly upset about it, this isn't something intentional. He was just naive. So was she, so come on.

Do you know what a lie is? He has two positive tests and didn't tell her, and you want to say he wasn't lying? Of course he lied. Sure he did tell her, eventually. But he knew. For 4 years. And then again in jan 2025. And then he had unprotected sex with her (sexual assault). And then he got her pregnant. And then he proposed. And then he told her. I can't think of any way he could be a bigger fucking liar.

Anonymous wrote:If there is one thing I have learned from this thread it’s that people with HSV-2 love to tell people that everyone has it and its no big deal.

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Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

So what's your plan now? To move on, and with herpes also? Now you are in the same boat as he is in. I am not sure what the point is, you loved him before this, but now you seem to want some moral hierarchy, when, in fact, you both got this the same way.

He should have said something in November, but in just reading comments here, really few people understand HSV, the types, the testing, the presentation, or anything. He figured it out and told you. You are well past fixing what cannot be fixed. He was stupid, naive, not a deceptive narcissist. Unless there are other issues, you need to consider the big picture. Regardless, he will always be your family, you have the rest of your life which will still be dealing with him as your child's father. Imagine telling your kid you left him because he realized he had herpes and told you about it at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.
Go into counseling to see everything clearly before making rash decisions. This is NOT the place to do it.

How was he not deceptive? What he did is illegal for a reason. This isn’t some small omission like he didn’t disclose that he scratched the car.

Stop making excuses for him. You forgot that she mentioned that he proposed to her after he knew he had herpes. He was deceptive on all fronts.

That's not how I'm reading her account of it. And what he and she both need is a lot of education. He figured something out that most everyone here just figured out about HSV, and he came to her with it. No, it's not clear how HSV works, the types, transmission, how common it is, testing. It really isn't to most people. He did the right thing in the end. There's no need for all this. OP is in shock,. She will come to her senses with guidance and reality.

Op here,

He tested positive in 2022 and again in January 2025. He claims he didn’t know until this past November, a few months ago. He said me being pregnant prompted him to go back and look at his medical records. At best he’s known for 4 months. At worst 4 years.

Not trying to debate our relationship, just giving you the time timeline.

And again you are clarifying that you are choosing to believe the most dramatic and negative version of events.

Do you really want to give up custody of your baby 50% of the time?