Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 23:11     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with here is that OP and her husband seem to view caregiving as an individual thing - like she takes care of the child 2 nights a week and he's responsible for the child every other night. She covers 7 hours on Saturday mornings and he has time off. That's not how my husband and I operate - we certainly each have our own time, but it's not as scheduled as OP's seems to be.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 23:02     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.


I think that regardless of how much you discuss a hypothetical situation before marriage and kids, you cannot be truly prepared for what life brings to you. Unfortunately in this country there is an expectation of people doing everything on their own or you have to be very rich to afford help.

Thankfully, I am an immigrant and in our particular immigrant/expat community we have the tradition of having all kinds of service providers/"side-gig"ers. Which means that when we had our babies we were able to hire childcare providers, doulas, cooks, cleaners. Even now, we have caterers and food prep people - who can cater to any scale. We have tailors who can come to your house to take your measurements for alterations, and beauticians who can come to your house for cutting your hair to other beauty treatments. From masseuse to tutors, from cooks to priests.

Finally, I am appreciating more and more the fact that my DH is a big believer in lining up help before we even need it. His motto is "Any problem that can be solved by throwing money at it is not a problem but an expense". OP, you and your DH need to figure out if your problems are in fact expenses? Kids are not small forever. Soon they will be out of the house and launched. Isn't it better that you have a team of service providers that help you to make your life easier through these hectic times?
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:35     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
OP, you must divorce and give him full custody of the child. If he wants a mom for the his brat, he can find another mom for the child.

You go and live your life.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:35     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:I'm curious - honest question for the SAHMs on here: Did any you have this conversation with your husbands? Did your husbands make a deal with you and say "I will only have a child with you if you promise to be the primary caregiver because I don't have the time to take care of the kid and/or do chores around the house, so I need you to make the commitment to do all of this after the baby is born otherwise we're not doing it."

I'm honestly just curious about if this is a normal conversation that people have, my husband and I both work, we never had a conversation like this.
I think these discussions are normal, just not in the quoted way you say. But yes, I discussed kids and who would homemake with every significant other.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:33     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:What kind of @$$h013 lies and deceives a careerist woman into a womb and ova donor baby-making machine instead of just impregnating the myriad woman who want to be moms. There are no worse human beings in this world that dupe people who would be happy in the opposite position, just because she said no. I say this for jerks that harass woman who want to wait for marriage into one-night stands when women beg them for sex. I say this for women who want kids, but her man keeps putting it off until he knows he's infertile and it won't be an issue.


Huh?? Are you high??
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:32     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?


Have you actually READ any of the posts? OP expects her husband do the work of a SAHD but he's not a SAHD and he doesn't want to be. She can't control his behaviors, she can only control her own. So she needs to talk to him about equally splitting responsibilities.


+1
Another thread recently was about the SAHD who was spending his hours in the gym and the housekeeper was running the house. The OP was very unhappy because she wanted the man to contribute, make her a panini, fire the housekeeper and do the work, not go to the gym...

In short, such women have a problem regardless of what their husbands do.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:29     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
I'm curious - honest question for the SAHMs on here: Did any you have this conversation with your husbands? Did your husbands make a deal with you and say "I will only have a child with you if you promise to be the primary caregiver because I don't have the time to take care of the kid and/or do chores around the house, so I need you to make the commitment to do all of this after the baby is born otherwise we're not doing it."

I'm honestly just curious about if this is a normal conversation that people have, my husband and I both work, we never had a conversation like this.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:07     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’ve bumped into the reality. Very few men are capable of handling all the responsibilities involved with raising children in our modern society. Is what it is. And children are especially challenging when they are little. Outsource what you can and slog through these early years.


Yes. They are incapable and lazy. They do a few things and then feel taxed. Would not survive without women. The most pitiful.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 22:03     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
What kind of @$$h013 lies and deceives a careerist woman into a womb and ova donor baby-making machine instead of just impregnating the myriad woman who want to be moms. There are no worse human beings in this world that dupe people who would be happy in the opposite position, just because she said no. I say this for jerks that harass woman who want to wait for marriage into one-night stands when women beg them for sex. I say this for women who want kids, but her man keeps putting it off until he knows he's infertile and it won't be an issue.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 09:00     Subject: I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Omg just work less
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 08:56     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?


Have you actually READ any of the posts? OP expects her husband do the work of a SAHD but he's not a SAHD and he doesn't want to be. She can't control his behaviors, she can only control her own. So she needs to talk to him about equally splitting responsibilities.
OP's DH LIED to her so he could use her uterus for his seed. He promised her repeatedly he'd be the SAHD/primary caregiver TWICE and then dumped her with the burden.


He IS the primary caregiver. He drops off and picks up the child, feeds child, bathes child and puts child to bed.

Everyone makes sacrifices when having a baby.

It is OP’s first child so these things may seem like big tasks but the admin stuff gets easy. And so what if your baby doesn’t do any classes or doesn’t have a passport? It really isn’t that hard to make an appointment to get a passport.

I can understand both sides.


On 3 (4?) of 5 days. He then plays video games all weekend. He does none of the housework during his shift — it’s an extra task to cook or throw a load of laundry in.

I’m sorry, no women would be called the primary caretaker under those circumstances.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 05:31     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?


Have you actually READ any of the posts? OP expects her husband do the work of a SAHD but he's not a SAHD and he doesn't want to be. She can't control his behaviors, she can only control her own. So she needs to talk to him about equally splitting responsibilities.
OP's DH LIED to her so he could use her uterus for his seed. He promised her repeatedly he'd be the SAHD/primary caregiver TWICE and then dumped her with the burden.


He IS the primary caregiver. He drops off and picks up the child, feeds child, bathes child and puts child to bed.

Everyone makes sacrifices when having a baby.

It is OP’s first child so these things may seem like big tasks but the admin stuff gets easy. And so what if your baby doesn’t do any classes or doesn’t have a passport? It really isn’t that hard to make an appointment to get a passport.

I can understand both sides.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2022 01:04     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?


Have you actually READ any of the posts? OP expects her husband do the work of a SAHD but he's not a SAHD and he doesn't want to be. She can't control his behaviors, she can only control her own. So she needs to talk to him about equally splitting responsibilities.
OP's DH LIED to her so he could use her uterus for his seed. He promised her repeatedly he'd be the SAHD/primary caregiver TWICE and then dumped her with the burden.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2022 18:15     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?


Have you actually READ any of the posts? OP expects her husband do the work of a SAHD but he's not a SAHD and he doesn't want to be. She can't control his behaviors, she can only control her own. So she needs to talk to him about equally splitting responsibilities.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2022 18:10     Subject: Re:I was so naive re marriage, career and kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

Read “drop the ball” by Tiffany Dufu.


This is my advice as well. It’s a fantastic book. Worth working into your overcrowded schedule because the short-term “extra thing” will have long-term payoff. (Even better if you and your husband can both read it and plan a new approach together, as a team.)