Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Stop rationalizing and admit to yourself that cheating can (and when the cheater is exposed almost always does) affect the lives of the cheater’s kids. Accept your character flaw, and the fact that is how almost every single person in your life who knows about it now or eventually finds out about it will view it, most importantly your kids.

Stop acting like 2 adults having sex has ANY effect on their children. Most cases the so-called cheater isn't even cheating: their spouse lost interest in sex and the normal libido spouse is simply meeting that need elsewhere in order to keep the marriage together for the benefit of the kids.

You keep covering for cheaters but fail to realize that your sex life is absolutely your kids business. Your kids have a right to know that you only have sex with your spouse and then only on times when it doesn't take away from them. If they find out their parents aren't perfect and one of them cheated, they will be decimated and will never trust another person again. So your obligation as a parent doesn't end when they are adults either and you must lower your desire for your needs to theirs. That's called being a parent and if it means you must be celibate because your spouse looses interest in sex, then that is what you signed up for when you procreated. Cheating is devastating for kids, just as divorce is. Own it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ Stop rationalizing and admit to yourself that cheating can (and when the cheater is exposed almost always does) affect the lives of the cheater’s kids. Accept your character flaw, and the fact that is how almost every single person in your life who knows about it now or eventually finds out about it will view it, most importantly your kids.

Many affairs are never detected. Stop letting your own fears about infidelity color what other peoples lives are actually like there are many cases of people cheat and kids never find out I know does nor does anybody else and it has nothing to do with the kids. Discreet sex can be discreet sex. Sex with in a marriage does not affect kids and sex outside of marriage does not affect kids—it’s the same thing.

Smart people don’t tell anybody and they never get found out. Even if they did who cares? Marriage Probably wasn’t going to last anyway and it was about everything else other than sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 teens amd I am a serial cheater. I demand discretion and have never been caught. I won’t get caught as I am ultra careful and leave no evidence whatsoever. How do I not think about my kids? Simple. That is not part of their lives.

My dad was like you. Found out later in life. Only so long you can hide it. It destroyed my relationship with both my parents, especially my dad. I no longer trust him and think any of the good in my childhood was a shame.

There is something very wrong that you would be so heavily invested in your father's sex life and I suspect you struggle with relationships in general.

You are a sociopath. It has nothing to do with sex life, it's about lies and putting energy somewhere other than your children... you could have used the time and energy on your kids, but you didn't.

You will never understand since you are too f'd in the head.

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 teens amd I am a serial cheater. I demand discretion and have never been caught. I won’t get caught as I am ultra careful and leave no evidence whatsoever. How do I not think about my kids? Simple. That is not part of their lives.

My dad was like you. Found out later in life. Only so long you can hide it. It destroyed my relationship with both my parents, especially my dad. I no longer trust him and think any of the good in my childhood was a shame.

There is something very wrong that you would be so heavily invested in your father's sex life and I suspect you struggle with relationships in general.

Anonymous wrote:The fact you ladies dislike my position does not make me angry, emasculated, overweight, or in need of therapy. I could make the same pointless claims about you. Consider that the behavior of society at large supports me, so perhaps YOU are on the radical side here?

One more time, for those in the back: if you aren't divorced and not having normal sex with your spouse, you MUST ASSUME they are getting it elsewhere. To further claim "oh I did not see THAT coming!!" is just adding to your craziness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

You truly are a tool.

It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.

Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.

You are a tool too and completely missed my point. Kids are going to be affected by the deceit. It is not complex.

It is not about the sex it is about the lies. Children look at, process and understand the world differently than adults. When they hear that mom and dad are no longer going to be married because mom/dad has chosen some one else. All children see is that mom/dad don’t love me and would rather be with another family. Children do not care about sexless marriages or low libido spouses or built up resentment. What they will care about is the one person who is suppose to protect me I can no longer trust.

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom, they are divorced. At the risk of being cruel, some of you are snowflakes. My parent's marriage isn't mine. Yes, the holidays are a hassle, I see them both less, they see their grandkids less, I probably see dad less than mom because dad's AP is a real peach of a woman.

Here's the thing: I have no idea what my parent's bedroom was like, whether dad was denied for years, whether mom was good in the sack, all of these questions are beyond my brain's ability to process. I know that whatever black and white thinking I had as a child about good and evil sort of vanished when I got out of college and I haven't seen many people rush to erase MLK day when the news broke he was a serial cheater. And I don't see how my life would have been more authentic if dad up and left earlier to take up with his peach prior to getting caught or whatever happened. The result is the same.

People are human, even our parents, they screw up sometimes a lot and I their errors don't dictate my happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

You truly are a tool.

It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.

Different poster but I agree with PP: kids do not and should not care about their parents’ sex lives whether marital or extramarital.
A cheating spouse is deceitful to the spouse—not the child.
Marriage is between husband and wife. Not parent and child.
A reality check of what is pretend and what is not is not just with cheating.
Stop making marriage just about faithfulness or lack thereof. It is more complex.
Some people cheat to leave. Some people cheat to stay in a marriage. Regardless, sex has nothing to do with kids. People who involve their kids and disclose an affair to purposefully harm the relationship with the other parent is far worse than a cheater.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

You truly are a tool.

It is not about the sex you simpleton. It is about the lies and deceit. That is what will have an affect on your children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

That "assumed married in monogamous relationship" includes a reciprocal presumption that parents are, you know, actually having sex with each other. Because people are not monogamous with a sexually inactive partner. If, as you believe, kids CARE about their parents' marital sexual status, then their world should be equally rocked when told one spouse is sexless, which totally explains why the normal libido spouse is going elsewhere.

Stop pretending that kids really know (or care) what goes on with their parents' sex life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 29. My dad cheated on my mom, and unfortunately I was the one who discovered the affair. My dad has a way more powerful and high earning job with great connections, and my mom works as a school admin. If he wanted to he could have decimated her in a divorce, so I told her so she could get things ready to divorce him.

It's been two years but things are very terse and cordial with my dad. He imploded my family because he wanted pussy. I will never forgive him.

Wow. I'm curious how you worked up the courage to tell your mom and how she reacted? How did she "get ready" to divorce him? How did you and she manage to keep it secret that you knew and for how long?

Good for you for recognizing wrong when you saw it and protecting the more vulnerable person in the family.

It took about 24 hours of working up courage. At first she didn't believe me. I couldn't even believe it myself but I had written (email) proof. I might not have told her if it was just a fling or something but my dad was planning on getting a new job halfway across the country (where his mistress lives) and totally uprooting his life to be with her. My parents were parried for 35 years. He probably would have strung my mom along for as long as he could before he would actually divorce her. She found a lawyer, got finances in order, and started to take a close look at her budget. She had to stop making retirement payments temporarily so she could afford her lawyer. I gave her a loan as well. It was hellish. It still is, in many regards. Holidays are incredibly painful. My brother is getting married in a month and there is so much pain about inviting him to a celebration of love and matrimony. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It doesn't make it any easier that I am an adult and have my own husband, life, live thousands of miles away. My sister is still in college and is caught between them and it's even worse for her. It affects us so much and anyone who thinks otherwise is lying to themselves.

I'm so I'm impressed with you and your mom. You are strong ladies. Just wondering why invite your dad to the wedding? Is your brother not as concerned about what has happened to your mom?

It’s been two years and we have tried our best to move on. He is still our dad and is invited to the wedding. He made mistakes but at the end of the day, he didn’t screw over my mom in the divorce, and has tried really hard to ask for our forgiveness and be back in our lives. Even though I’ll never forgive my dad, I can understand (on an abstract level) why he did what he did. I still don’t trust him at all (he’s still with the woman but lying about it, which doesn’t make much sense to us) but I couldn’t keep living with all that hate in my heart. I HATED him. Now he’s just my dad who has made a horrible mistake two years ago. It’s hard to explain.

Thank you again for posting. This is helpful to understand.

My question is that ultimately, there's no consequence for the cheater in the long term from his perspective. He gets to live the life he wants, his relationship with his kid remains intact as he sees it (you may not but he may be OK with it). Does this mean that there's no real consequence in the long term for the cheaters? They just need to show a bit of remorse to kids and then move on. I struggle a bit with this (not that my husband has cheated but conceptually).

PP whose mom was cheated on. I struggled with this too. He’s living his life with his new chick, he still gets to be “dad” (even though like you said the relationship is nothing like it was before, it is still there), he’s living on his own, doing whatever he wants. I think there is no such thing as justice. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people who do bad things still sometimes live happy lives. It took a lot of therapy to realize stuff like that. My mom wasn’t perfect in her marriage but at least she didn’t cheat. She is a good person and a bad thing happened to her, and her life is pretty shitty and lonely now. There is no justice.

Anonymous wrote:Because cheaters don’t care about kids feelings. This is a moral character flaw. It is them first and then affair partner, then maybe kids and lastly the wife.