Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 18:16     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
I haven't read all the posts but if the OP and her husband felt uncomfortable and that something wasn't right about his reaction, I would trust your gut. I have a brother-in-law who has always been difficult, uptight, and over reacted to situations that most people wouldn't. I come from a large family and everyone noticed it but thought, well, he's good to our sister. He's just different. He was raised differently and has different values. I remember a time he completely overreacted to my 4 or 5 year old son and made him cry. My son was playing in a basement playroom where my sister told him to play. He wasn't doing anything outrageous and my sister had told him to play there. My brother-in-law overreacted and yelled at my son, scaring him and making him cry (not the first time). I told my sister that we would stay at a hotel. It was easier, less stressful, and that way I wouldn't have to worry about my kids behavior. My sister begged me to stay and was really ticked off at her husbands behavior. I gave in and stayed. I continued to visit her and stay with them because she wanted me to stay. I would have preferred a hotel. Fast forward 5-6 years, we now know that my brother-in-law is abusive. He has hit, pinched, and once tried to choke/strangle her. He is also verbally abusive and manipulative. She now has two kids with him. My whole family put aside our reservations about him for her because we thought he was good to her. Turns out he's been an abusive a**hole the whole time. I always thought my sister was OCD about cleaning when I was there and now I know it was her attempt to avoid setting him off. The situation sucks.

OP, unless you make a practice of over reacting to situations (think about what your friends and others who know you well would say), trust your instincts and don't stay there again. I know there will be people who will accuse me of overdramatizing things but 1 in 4 women will be in an abusive relationship. That is 25 percent of all women. Abusive people don't appear abusive when you first meet them. They reveal themselves slowly over time. If they came in abusive, no one would ever let them in the door. I wish I had listened to my gut years ago when I saw red flags. I rationalized his behavior even though my gut told me he was a selfish jerk. I should have listened to my gut. OP please listen to your gut and don't let people justify inappropriate behavior by your brother-in-law. As a prior poster said--he is an adult and should be in control and articulate.

Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 14:50     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.


OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.


Very possible. He's the adult, he should be a) in control, b) articulate.

"Mary, get down from the couch" - clear communication.

"no... NO..." without even a vocative, way too vague.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 14:48     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"


x 1,000
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 14:47     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:We recently made a weekend visit to my sister and her DH and 2 children. My kids are 4 and 6 and hers are about the same ages. Here is what happened (I was with my back turned, helping my other child with something, so did not see all of it directly): My 4YO apparently climbed onto the arm rest of the couch and was standing on it. My BIL firmly told her "no...no...." and she did not comply. He then moved toward her with the intention of physically removing her from the couch. By the time I realized that there was something happening and turned around, she was on the seat of the couch crying and trying to crawl away, and he was standing over her grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and ran out of the room with her as she continued to cry; as I did so, I heard my BIL yell (to me, I assume) "she needs an attitude adjustment!!" After I had left the room (this next part is what my DH says), my other daughter started crying, presumably because she was scared. My DH said to her "it's okay, it's okay" and my BIL screamed at him (this I heard from the other room) "It's NOT okay!! This is my house, my rules!!" I proceeded to the room in which we were staying and my DH and other daughter soon followed. We did not know what to do but we both wanted to leave that instant. My 4YO was still sobbing and repeating "I want to go home" over and over. My older daughter was also still crying. We began packing up our stuff. We did not know what to do because my nephew's birthday party (the reason for our visit) was later that day. My BIL came up to our room shortly after and apologized. My SIL did, too. We ended up staying through the party, but left immediately after it finished instead of staying over a second night as originally planned.

My main questions are, would you have handled this differently and if so how? Also, what would you do going forward? My DH and I are in agreement that we really should not ever stay at their home again. (I should mention that although this is the worst incident that has ever happened, it is not the first...my sister and her BIL have very different parenting styles than we do. They are very strict and military-like and strongly favor punishments and corporal punishment, whereas we do not).


Your BIL should have called out to you to mind your child.

I would have insisted we left that instant.

Don't stay at their home again.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 01:05     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
OP, I have just one honest, innocent question.

Did you happen to ask the BIL what happened after the incident occurred? You said so yourself that you didn't actually see what was happening because your back was turned. Maybe had you calmly asked your BIL what happened we wouldn't be posting on this thread right now.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2015 17:44     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
OP, if you don't want other people to handle your children's misbehavior, you're going to have to watch them more closely yourself. Why were both parents ignoring the four-year-old? This is kind of like "The Slap", isn't it?
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2015 12:11     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
OP, I have not read the whole thread, but I have a sibling with a very different parenting style, and I was parented myself in the "do as I say NOW" mode, and I follow gentle parenting with my children. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think you need to protect your children, even from family. You could tell your in-laws, "if my child does something you do not like in your home, please tell me and I will take care of it." And spend as little time with your in-laws as you can....I would not engage in any kind of debate with them about their parenting style or imply that they are wrong, as they will simply grow angry and defensive.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2015 05:31     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:This thread is reminding me of another one from a couple of years ago that involved a four year old who dared to place a muddy boot on someone's extremely important couch. It got tons of responses from posters screeching about how the little monster would never again be allowed in their home.

DCUM attracts a whole lot of people who go absolutely ballistic over their precious furniture.

The responses on here are so completely nuts. How anyone can defend BIL's behavior is beyond me. And how anyone can call a 4 year old a brat is also beyond me.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 23:23     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:This thread is reminding me of another one from a couple of years ago that involved a four year old who dared to place a muddy boot on someone's extremely important couch. It got tons of responses from posters screeching about how the little monster would never again be allowed in their home.

DCUM attracts a whole lot of people who go absolutely ballistic over their precious furniture.

The responses on here are so completely nuts. How anyone can defend BIL's behavior is beyond me. And how anyone can call a 4 year old a brat is also beyond me.

Link?
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 23:20     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
This thread is reminding me of another one from a couple of years ago that involved a four year old who dared to place a muddy boot on someone's extremely important couch. It got tons of responses from posters screeching about how the little monster would never again be allowed in their home.

DCUM attracts a whole lot of people who go absolutely ballistic over their precious furniture.

The responses on here are so completely nuts. How anyone can defend BIL's behavior is beyond me. And how anyone can call a 4 year old a brat is also beyond me.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 22:34     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
My husband is overly strict and grouchy like this -- takes after his dad. In other respects a great dad. It is embarrasing and upsetting if he scolds another child. In one case my daughter's friend cried because he corrected her harshly -- she was screaming and tearing all through our house and Zi had tried to get her to cslm down (she was just excited--and 6). Anyway i chimed in to defend the mom -- i think adults need to control their tempers and chill the fuck out when it comes to children. Tomorrow is fathers day, i shiuldnt be posting this, but had to say it.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 22:03     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:I kind of get it... Everybody has boundaries. I usually address the parent before intervening with another kid and prefer that people do the same unless there is immediate danger /damage potential. People rarely return that courtesy.


Just curious, do you have the same boundaries with friends and their children, and with your family and their children, and with your DH's family and their children?
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 14:04     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:BIL had no business saying "my house my rules". Such behaviour is expected from kids and if I were you I would never go there to stay the night again. Out of line.


But it IS his house, his rule!


This. And as far as the "such behavior is expected from kids" BS, I would love to know what child owns a house.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 12:13     Subject: Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
I kind of get it... Everybody has boundaries. I usually address the parent before intervening with another kid and prefer that people do the same unless there is immediate danger /damage potential. People rarely return that courtesy.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2015 07:00     Subject: Re:Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:BIL had no business saying "my house my rules". Such behaviour is expected from kids and if I were you I would never go there to stay the night again. Out of line.


No, destroying people's furniture is not expected behavior from kids. Were you raised in a barn?

And the man who owns the house is perfectly entitled to setting his own rules. I really hope you are just a troll.


I haven't read every post or every comment, but to me this is also about teachings kids to respect other people's property. You don't get to decide the quality of someone's furniture, or what you can do with things that belong to someone else. If BIL didn't want kids jumping on his sofa arm, he's well entitled to tell a kid to get off it.

Sure, "kids will be kids" but parents/adults need to correct kids when they're misbehaving, and that includes not respecting the property of other people. It's a lesson best learned early with greater lessons to be gained (ie, it's not just about the sofa - it's the general principal).