I should add that in the Salon situation she actually tried to characterize the relationship as more than a friendship to the guy -- but of course then pulled the rug out from under him. That's a tad less middle school than what I think most women in these situations do, which is never quite acknowledge what is going on, which leads men to wonder WTF is going on.

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you ever talk to your supposed affair partner about the status of your relationship, i.e., that you saw it as a kind of affair?

There's no response to this question, but I'll hazard a guess that the answer is "no." Why? Because what's really going on here in this, and what most women call "emotional affairs," is a crush dealt with at middle school level. In middle school most of us were probably virgins, both sexually and pretty much emotionally. A girl with a crush on you could let you know it, make you think sex or something like it was possible, even likely, and maybe even make you fall in (puppy) love. Whole "relationships" like this could exist without either party acknowledging their existence, explicitly. Then she could start acting funny to you, avoiding contact, maybe making you feel like you had done something wrong. As a practical matter, given how awkward both of you were anyway, she could easily steer any conversations you had away from a discussion of what passed or was passing between you. Although no doubt she experienced discomfort, maybe even pain ("lovesickness"), she ultimately had control of the situation, by being able to ration access. Boys in this situation (and most middle school boys) are basically puppy dogs.

By the time we hit late adolescence, sex was a real possibility, we could talk about relationships, at least somewhat, and the crazy, unacknowledged "emotional affairs" of middle school receded into the past. But now, in our 40's, with spouses, the middle school dynamic happens again. Certain "women" get crushes on "men," know that sex is off the table as a practical matter, and regress to middle school crush level. I see it all the time in these pages, and you can read a great example of it in this Salon article:

http://www.salon.com/2012/09/07/am_i_an_unconscious_tease/

The columnist has a fairly sympathetic take on the female here, but he also captures accurately how this feels to the male and males in similar situations -- including OP's "lover:"

"I think you could benefit from some bluntness: You are having an emotional affair with this man. He thought it was going to lead to sex. He was all ready to go. You contributed to his belief that it would lead to sex. You knew this in some way but hid it from yourself. Then you pulled the rug out; you pulled the curtain down; your door was booby-trapped with a bucket of water. He got doused and naturally was angry and baffled."

And then he gets to the essence of what most "emotional affairs" really are for women, middle school crushes:

"There is something deeper going on.

This power and control, this state of being desired, may be so intoxicating that you want to just continue on the edge like this.

This may be where you feel most alive, here on the edge of surrender. This may be where you want to be."

OP, did you ever talk to your supposed affair partner about the status of your relationship, i.e., that you saw it as a kind of affair?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's been over a month since you started this thread. Did you ever contact the OW? If you haven't, but are still thinking about it, I would advise you not to. She probably won't care and it won't give you the closure you seek.

OP here. I have not contacted the OW. At present, I don't have the energy/motivation/anger that I had when I initially posted the question. I reached a point where I was willing to let DH go do what he wanted so I could move on with my life, in the next chapter if that is where we were going to go.

In a time of crisis, as OP probably discovered, it's important to keep your head and not do anything irrational. Feelings of anger and hurt fade with time. Focus on resolving issues in your marriage not the OW, whether that's separating from DH or working with him to fix the marriage.

Good luck OP. Sorry for what you are going through.

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sure many women posting on this site have abandoned their sexuality. I went to back to school night and you should have seen these women there.A vast majority of them were obese and just looked like they hardly cared about themselves. A sexually aware sexual woman must scare the shit out of them.

Um, no, honey. You're making a lot of unsupportable assumptions about sexuality and relationships.

Let me rephrase PP's post.

No one is "entitled" to sex ever. Sex is something given freely between two people not earned in any relationship. If either party decides to back out, then that's his/her right. End of story. Move on with life.

Hey, we are all adults (hopefully) posting on this forum. Relationships can get tricky and no one is "entitled" to sex unless both parties are consenting adults. If one backs out, no matter how heavy the flirting/talking before hand, then just move on with life. People change their minds and in this scenario, both parties should have respected their spouses enough to change their minds.

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is entitled to sex, but if there is an "affair" going on, well then yeah, either party should reasonably assume sex will eventually be involved. If this was just heavy flirting, there wasn't an affair.

Google emotional affair then maybe you would understand the discussion in this thread. Just talking can be as damaging as having a sexual affair.

Nobody is entitled to sex, but if there is an "affair" going on, well then yeah, either party should reasonably assume sex will eventually be involved. If this was just heavy flirting, there wasn't an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

The whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. Hard to say exactly when a magic line was crossed. Friendship became flirtatious over time. First were subtle remarks that I dismissed so he would back off and change the subject. After a while though, I flirted back and justified everything was ok because we were just talking. My conscience began to bother me though and I was looking forward way too much to our time together. I ended it when he moved to trying something physical so that was at the 6 month mark.

His likely view, entirely justifiable in my opinion: You are a prick tease who had him going for 6 months, then cut him off when he had the courage to "try" "something physical."

If you thought it qualified as an "affair," you screwed not only your husband but your "lover" with that behavior.

It takes two to tango. Why don't you refer to him as the 'pussy tease'? Shit happens. Relationships between people are complicated. But something obviously happened to you to make you so bitter as to see every woman as a prick tease out to harm every poor victimized male who gets caught in the clutches of wily, conniving women who are just out there to fuck with men.

Pussy tease. Tee Hee hee

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

The whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. Hard to say exactly when a magic line was crossed. Friendship became flirtatious over time. First were subtle remarks that I dismissed so he would back off and change the subject. After a while though, I flirted back and justified everything was ok because we were just talking. My conscience began to bother me though and I was looking forward way too much to our time together. I ended it when he moved to trying something physical so that was at the 6 month mark.

His likely view, entirely justifiable in my opinion: You are a prick tease who had him going for 6 months, then cut him off when he had the courage to "try" "something physical."

If you thought it qualified as an "affair," you screwed not only your husband but your "lover" with that behavior.

It takes two to tango. Why don't you refer to him as the 'pussy tease'? Shit happens. Relationships between people are complicated. But something obviously happened to you to make you so bitter as to see every woman as a prick tease out to harm every poor victimized male who gets caught in the clutches of wily, conniving women who are just out there to fuck with men.

I agree. No one is entitled to sex from some random coworker no matter how heavy the flirting and if you expect that and get pissy when it doesn't happen, you sound desperate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

The whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. Hard to say exactly when a magic line was crossed. Friendship became flirtatious over time. First were subtle remarks that I dismissed so he would back off and change the subject. After a while though, I flirted back and justified everything was ok because we were just talking. My conscience began to bother me though and I was looking forward way too much to our time together. I ended it when he moved to trying something physical so that was at the 6 month mark.

His likely view, entirely justifiable in my opinion: You are a prick tease who had him going for 6 months, then cut him off when he had the courage to "try" "something physical."

If you thought it qualified as an "affair," you screwed not only your husband but your "lover" with that behavior.

It takes two to tango. Why don't you refer to him as the 'pussy tease'? Shit happens. Relationships between people are complicated. But something obviously happened to you to make you so bitter as to see every woman as a prick tease out to harm every poor victimized male who gets caught in the clutches of wily, conniving women who are just out there to fuck with men.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

The whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. Hard to say exactly when a magic line was crossed. Friendship became flirtatious over time. First were subtle remarks that I dismissed so he would back off and change the subject. After a while though, I flirted back and justified everything was ok because we were just talking. My conscience began to bother me though and I was looking forward way too much to our time together. I ended it when he moved to trying something physical so that was at the 6 month mark.

His likely view, entirely justifiable in my opinion: You are a prick tease who had him going for 6 months, then cut him off when he had the courage to "try" "something physical."

If you thought it qualified as an "affair," you screwed not only your husband but your "lover" with that behavior.

Not my proudest time in my life but something I hopefully have learned from. My marriage is definitely at a better place since I stopped contact with the other man. That is what my DH and I are focusing on and putting past mistakes in the past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never thought I would be the type of woman recovering from an emotional affair. I love my family but somehow got in way over my head. Now that the fog has lifted, I truly feel sorry for his wife.

He is angry at me for ending our "friendship". His anger has turned toxic and much like he would defame his wife behind her back, he is now defaming me. Gave me a good taste of what she has put up with for 14 years. I think in a way he wanted me to lash out and create a scene. He must have known I could hear what he was saying to a co-worker about me and I would put two and two together when his wife called and hung up. He was an abused child so something deep inside tells me he craves the drama and needs the ego boost because he is hurting inside. I however, went away quietly.

If it helps him to recover or helps his wife through the fall out, let people think what they want about me. I think his wife would be more hurt by the truth. Hearing him lash out against me did do me a favor though. It gave me complete closure because all the fantasy was washed away and I could see him for the child that he really is.

Are you married too?

Yes, I am married.

I ended all contact with the other man when he began to make physical advances. It made me realize what the hell was I doing. I then began pouring the emotional energy I was feeding to the affair back into my marriage. My husband is a good man, a good father, and a good husband. I am working on me so I can be the wife he deserves.

Curious as to how long the emotional affair lasted before he began to make advances?

The whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. Hard to say exactly when a magic line was crossed. Friendship became flirtatious over time. First were subtle remarks that I dismissed so he would back off and change the subject. After a while though, I flirted back and justified everything was ok because we were just talking. My conscience began to bother me though and I was looking forward way too much to our time together. I ended it when he moved to trying something physical so that was at the 6 month mark.

His likely view, entirely justifiable in my opinion: You are a prick tease who had him going for 6 months, then cut him off when he had the courage to "try" "something physical."

If you thought it qualified as an "affair," you screwed not only your husband but your "lover" with that behavior.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's been over a month since you started this thread. Did you ever contact the OW? If you haven't, but are still thinking about it, I would advise you not to. She probably won't care and it won't give you the closure you seek.

OP here. I have not contacted the OW. At present, I don't have the energy/motivation/anger that I had when I initially posted the question. I reached a point where I was willing to let DH go do what he wanted so I could move on with my life, in the next chapter if that is where we were going to go.