Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 12:36     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"researchers have some ideas about why divorce would be heritable. One theory is that many children of divorce don’t learn important lessons about commitment. “All couples fight,” Wolfinger explains. “If your parents stay together, they fight and then you realize these things aren’t fatal to a marriage. If you’re from a divorced family, you don’t learn that message, and [after fights] it seems like things are untenable. And so you bounce.”


This is such simplistic reasoning that it’s honestly bordering on offensive for people who leave marriages because of abuse, adults, coercion, addiction, or any other number of deal breakers. I feel like most of the responders here are probably super conservative and have their own very traditional understanding about how life ought to be lived. To each his own.

+1 Alcoholism, ADHD, and certain mental illnesses are all heritable and definitely wreak havoc on marriages, but researchers concluded that children of divorced parents get divorced because they didn’t learn that fighting is a normal part of marriage. Yes, that is simplistic. It’s like they were looking for a way to lay blame on that population. Families often have multiple generations with the same issue, like alcoholism or mental illness. Maybe multiple generations of people marrying into the same family just can’t live with it.
Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 12:09     Subject: Re:"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
My parents had the most pathetic marriage, and they stayed together until my Dad died. I am so proud of my sister for filing for divorce instead of playing pretend with her ex DH. It's not ideal, but sometimes it's the best option.

Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 12:03     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The best part about both having married parents is more functional holidays. Best friend's parents are divorced, as are her husbands. All 4 sets of grandparents ran her ragged over Thanksgiving and Christmas wanting 4 celebrations. None of them wanted to share with anyone else. They also fought at kid birthdays and while she was giving birth.

As an adult I'm really happy my parents are married. They help each other through sicknesses, attend doctors appointments together and keep each other company. When I was dating, I really looked more at the romantic side of things or whether dh would be a good father, but it's the mundane things that are helpful. If my parents weren't married I'd have to help them so much more (and I'm already working full time while raising 3 kids).


Good for you. Mine were married and dad is dead.

So what now? Do you and the man in the OP avoid dating people with widowed parents too so that you don't have to help with appointments?

NP. Also in the dead dad gang! It’s a bit weird to say you’re looking for a family that values each other but it’s also super important you never have to help. If one of them does die do you just throw the other one on their funeral pyre?


Exactly. People just looking for the easiest life. It's not about divorce. It's about them doing the least with family.
Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 11:57     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anecdotal. All my friends who have divorced parents have emotional baggage more than those whose parents aren’t divorced. BUT, I also have friends whose parents remain married purely for the sake of whatever and the kids are fully aware of it and hate the arrangement.

How your SO handles life’s ups and downs - emotional maturity and stability, overall personality and traits dealing with challenges and upheavals in life be big or small - matters the most to me regardless whether parents are divorced or not. Just my 2 cents.

Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 11:52     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
I don't think divorce is terrible. Women being shamed to stay in bad marriages is much much worse.
Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 11:50     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:Its up to you to do it or avoid it but there is no denying that people with personal or parental divorce history tend to bring lots of emotional and logistical baggage with you.


I think there is a lot of nuance here. Certain dysfunctional behavior brings baggage: alcoholism, gambling addictions, physical abuse etc.

There are many married couples who deal with this and choose to stay married. This is even more baggage for the children who think this is acceptable behavior than divorcing is.

So take your time to know someone's background and make sure they are aware of their baggage and that they are taken concrete steps to not follow their parents paths.
Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 11:41     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Its up to you to do it or avoid it but there is no denying that people with personal or parental divorce history tend to bring lots of emotional and logistical baggage with you.
Anonymous
Post 09/07/2023 07:53     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The best part about both having married parents is more functional holidays. Best friend's parents are divorced, as are her husbands. All 4 sets of grandparents ran her ragged over Thanksgiving and Christmas wanting 4 celebrations. None of them wanted to share with anyone else. They also fought at kid birthdays and while she was giving birth.

As an adult I'm really happy my parents are married. They help each other through sicknesses, attend doctors appointments together and keep each other company. When I was dating, I really looked more at the romantic side of things or whether dh would be a good father, but it's the mundane things that are helpful. If my parents weren't married I'd have to help them so much more (and I'm already working full time while raising 3 kids).


Good for you. Mine were married and dad is dead.

So what now? Do you and the man in the OP avoid dating people with widowed parents too so that you don't have to help with appointments?

NP. Also in the dead dad gang! It’s a bit weird to say you’re looking for a family that values each other but it’s also super important you never have to help. If one of them does die do you just throw the other one on their funeral pyre?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 14:33     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:The best part about both having married parents is more functional holidays. Best friend's parents are divorced, as are her husbands. All 4 sets of grandparents ran her ragged over Thanksgiving and Christmas wanting 4 celebrations. None of them wanted to share with anyone else. They also fought at kid birthdays and while she was giving birth.

As an adult I'm really happy my parents are married. They help each other through sicknesses, attend doctors appointments together and keep each other company. When I was dating, I really looked more at the romantic side of things or whether dh would be a good father, but it's the mundane things that are helpful. If my parents weren't married I'd have to help them so much more (and I'm already working full time while raising 3 kids).


Good for you. Mine were married and dad is dead.

So what now? Do you and the man in the OP avoid dating people with widowed parents too so that you don't have to help with appointments?
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 14:15     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
The best part about both having married parents is more functional holidays. Best friend's parents are divorced, as are her husbands. All 4 sets of grandparents ran her ragged over Thanksgiving and Christmas wanting 4 celebrations. None of them wanted to share with anyone else. They also fought at kid birthdays and while she was giving birth.

As an adult I'm really happy my parents are married. They help each other through sicknesses, attend doctors appointments together and keep each other company. When I was dating, I really looked more at the romantic side of things or whether dh would be a good father, but it's the mundane things that are helpful. If my parents weren't married I'd have to help them so much more (and I'm already working full time while raising 3 kids).
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 13:57     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
My parents are divorced but if I met a man who told me his parents are happily together but his dad had affairs for whatever number of years, that would give me a lot of pause. That’s a level of dysfunction I’m not interested in. So to each his own.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 13:51     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
I think it's unreasonable but to each their own.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 13:40     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"if a woman’s parents divorced, her odds of divorce increased 69%, while if both a husband and wife’s parents divorced, the risk of divorce increased by 189%."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201902/if-my-parents-are-divorced-is-my-marriage-doomed-fail?amp




Yep.

And it's because these people are less likely to live miserable and sometimes unsafe lives for the sake of marriage.

A friend of mine was with an abusive spouse and hid it from her family because she did not want to be the first one to divorce in her family. The man threatened to kill her and their children, and she told no one until after he got so bad that he had to be institutionalized.

Someone who has witnessed divorce knows that it's not the end of the world and will not put up with a man like that.


Or maybe they are more likely to make their marriages miserable because they are bad at relationships.

Your friend is an idiot.


And so are many people from dysfunctional " in- tact" marriages. They are so used to dysfunctional being normal that they will carry it into their marriages. After all, their parents' marriages were "successful".

All else being equal, I'd rather take a chance with someone who saw their parent establish boundaries around how they were treated.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 13:26     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
Anonymous wrote:When I look around me most of my friends families are dysfunctional. There are so few normal families.


I had the same realization in college. So many Fd up people, that the normal ones are fewer but can be spotted.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 13:21     Subject: "I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"
The person who mentioned conflict avoidance at all costs. That rings a bell. My ex husband comes from a family like that. They prefer silence, open marriages (but only for the husband) and long time mistresses to divorce. When he asked for an open marriage l told him the only reason it worked in his family is because his mom and grandmother had no choice, they could not be financially independent in the 3rd world country they live in. After thinking about it he agreed. Previously l think he actually thought the wives didn’t mind.