OP's father has to hire a REAL experienced caregiver--not the teen girl next door.
No one is going to come in for less than 4 hours . He could have the caregiver come in around 3 (so she's there before the mom starts to "become agitated") and stay till 7 pm. That way the dad will have a bit of time to get home, go to the grocery store or other errands, and also just have a little down time so he doesn't burn out from caregiving.

Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

OP's plan is not realistic or sustainable, especially his time estimates. It's toll on his nuclear family life will great. As someone who has done eldercare for multiple grandparents, parents, and other relatives, I can say this is a terrible plan. People with dementia and/or other severe health conditions at some point will need some level professional care even if it's only part time. The faster that OP and his family realizes it, the faster that they can come up with an appropriate plan for the mother's care.

OP's description of his mother's condition sound odd. She's ok for 4 hours but not 4.5? Chances are that her condition is a lot worse than he's describing. Maybe, he himself is in denial. But it sounds like 4 hrs is absolute minimum she can be alone before there's a major disaster. I'm sure that the strain of care taking is also a lot for OP's father.

The best course of action is to hire someone from 2-6. That minimizes the time that OP's mom is alone. It also give OP's father time to recharge a little after work. The sister should pay for this.

As a social worker, OP's wife has probably seen situations like this play out. Agreeing to OP's terrible plan would not be helpful at all, especially in the long term.

Anonymous wrote:Your sister absolutely needs to take care of this. Her checking out is not an option in any way. Frankly, I'd tell her to get her A$$ in gear in reparation for all the work your mother provided to her (assuming your mother was not financially compensated by your sister) or she can forget about having any kind of relationship with you and your family going forward.

I don't understand this at all. OP, you need to deal with this, not your wife. At all. Grow a set.

This is the correct answer.

Team wife. She is understandably resentful and she is right to put her foot down, though the two should be unrelated. Your sister saying she "can do one maybe two days a week" sounds like she's only willing to commit to one day a week. I suggest you say you can only do one day per week and see where the conversation goes. Surely your dad is not going to ask you for more without asking your sister too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm team wife on this one. I'm the sibling who has been helping much of DH's family, and at some point I would expect others to step in as well. Your wife should not be brought into this discussion - it's really between your sister, you and your Dad.

+1. This is not your wife's responsibility. This belongs to you, your sister, and your dad.

+2

OP it is not your wife's responsibility to take care of your mother. You guys hire someone if you can't deal with it between you, your sister, and your dad. I say this as someone who has dealt with the health decline and death of my own two parents.

And I'd be having a very blunt conversation with my sister about paying back all the free that she received over the years. What a selfish woman.

I don’t find OP to be a very sympathetic actor in this.

The more OPs wife stays out of it the better. Everything is about saving money by making OPs family sacrifice. There’s no discussing this in a rational way. They need to come to the realization that Mom needs professional care. They just don’t want to pay for it. They want OPs wife to pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

And more projection! They haven't done a damned thing yet, and the ONE thing that OP has proposed is, frankly, stupid. We don't know what she's suggested or not, just that the current suggestion is two years of her husband spending hours driving, two years of paying more than $10K (that's just the bare minimum child care cost, not the cost that will be required when he can't stick to his unrealistic timeline, and not including gas), and stress, while OP's sister gets away with saying that she can manage one day ("maybe" two). And this will inevitably require more effort -- MIL is just going to get worse -- and it's obvious that OP will be expected to do it.

OP needs to admit that this won't work, and ask his wife to help him figure out a plan that will be more effective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

And I bet if OP asked his wife to help them with researching public assistance programs for his mother, she could be very useful. She could help find resources that will equip OP's dad to care for his mother appropriately. What OP is proposing is inadequate and unsustainable, and it's only going to require more and more sacrifice. She's right not to agree to it, because it's not enough and she's smart enough to see that when more and more work is needed, OP is going to be expected to take it on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

where did OP mention this? OP's wife has a chip on her shoulder because there was no help from Mom, this sentiment didn't come out of thin air.

Op's wife resents her MIL for not helping her more with childcare needs, she resents her MIL for helping her SIL with childcare needs, she resents her SIL for not being more accepting of the help that Op's wife was trying to give her (whatever that means).

Basically Op's wife really dislikes her SIL and resents her MIL. Now she is using her embittered feelings to try to prevent her husband from helping his own parents during a crisis. The common denominator here is Op's wife.

well, OP's wife has a good reason to feel bitter towards MIL and SIL.
If they didn't help OP's wife out during her crisis, I'm not sure why they think they are entitled to get help during their own.

Because life is not a tit for tat situation. Good people understand that. There are some cold hearted women on this thread that I hope are mostly trolls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

where did OP mention this? OP's wife has a chip on her shoulder because there was no help from Mom, this sentiment didn't come out of thin air.

Op's wife resents her MIL for not helping her more with childcare needs, she resents her MIL for helping her SIL with childcare needs, she resents her SIL for not being more accepting of the help that Op's wife was trying to give her (whatever that means).

Basically Op's wife really dislikes her SIL and resents her MIL. Now she is using her embittered feelings to try to prevent her husband from helping his own parents during a crisis. The common denominator here is Op's wife.

well, OP's wife has a good reason to feel bitter towards MIL and SIL.
If they didn't help OP's wife out during her crisis, I'm not sure why they think they are entitled to get help during their own.

Even so his wife works and it's impossible for her to go over there. That solves that. OP thinking she can just take off from work is absurd.

The dad is still relatively young. He can still hire someone from a agency to care for her until he makes other arrangement. He can easily find a good caregiver.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.