Anonymous
Post 11/24/2019 01:02     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Same to different parenting styles/philosophies. Neurotic vs. laid back on different parenting issues. Tough because we each carried a child (2 women) so there are perceived and real favoritisms happening for the child that we carried. In retrospect maybe we shouldn't have done it that way.

Not enough time to spend on each other as a couple.


Wow, this is hard (and fascinating). So many questions...
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 22:13     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:My husband is always right. If you don't agree with him he assumes that you don't understand and so explains explains and explains.

He is also OCD and likes to direct most of my activities. I have learned to simply let him do things his way. Better than me having to take direction from him on things I already know how to do.

Married 32 years and getting really tired of it.

I'm always wrong.

I'm smart and I read more news than he does, yet somehow his life's joy is poking holes in everything I say with nothing to back it up. As a matter of fact, if I back it up by citing scientific studies, he talks about the flaws in studies and how "experts" are ruining everything. Jesus fack.

Also, I'm somehow a hysterical helicopter mom for wanting our children to use car seats.

I have done nothing to warrant this resentment. Nothing.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 21:48     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Her phat a$$
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 10:01     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.


You can just divorce. It’s the kids who were talking in that thread. Why are you so defensive?


The other things you can do is find a way to work this through with your wife. Find out how to excite her mind, find new and exciting activities to do together. Work together to find solutions that work for both.

Are you the kind of guy that wants easy solutions or good ones? Either way there are consequences. What is acceptable to you. Who is a priority in your life? Have you thought explicitly about this as opposed to letting life happen? Priorities can be you, kids, spouse, family, work, friends, etc. and how d o you rank them?
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 08:51     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.


You can just divorce. It’s the kids who were talking in that thread. Why are you so defensive?


Yeah, I mean, read the thread. Those folks were destined to find something they could blame for damaging them whether their parents cheated or not. Or, you could choose to model a celibate, miserable, but 100% faithful marriage for your kids, if that’s what you want them to emulate.


You did not read the kids testimonials: one indicated that she thought her father could do no wrong before she found out about the affair. This isn't a child who was looking t o blame her parents in general.

Are you saying kids are ungrateful people who will complain anyway? Well then you don't like your kids and n o t having a relationship wouldn't affect you anyway. C clearly, it's the kids who are bad and ungrateful.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 08:27     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.


You can just divorce. It’s the kids who were talking in that thread. Why are you so defensive?


If he divorces, he would start having sex again. So his statement isn’t wrong.


No I meant the last statement that I must lead a celibate life or kids hate me. If you divorce, kids may not hate you.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 08:03     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.


You can just divorce. It’s the kids who were talking in that thread. Why are you so defensive?


Yeah, I mean, read the thread. Those folks were destined to find something they could blame for damaging them whether their parents cheated or not. Or, you could choose to model a celibate, miserable, but 100% faithful marriage for your kids, if that’s what you want them to emulate.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 07:50     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.


You can just divorce. It’s the kids who were talking in that thread. Why are you so defensive?


If he divorces, he would start having sex again. So his statement isn’t wrong.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 07:01     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
+1.. the article is great. It's interesting that women and men are both happy with men doing only 35% of activities. It's good to have data that women actually do a lot more work around the house and with kids.
Anonymous
Post 11/23/2019 01:01     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:this
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sex for sure. It's dwindled down to about every other month and only if I push for it. 42 years old. It used to be a source of tension but I have stopped initiating and now we just don't do it.

I am not resentful towards her anymore over lack of sex. More like indifference now. We coparent well so maybe this can work until the kids leave the house. She talks about retirement plans still which seems odd to me that she thinks this is normal and how couples grow old together.


Yes, sexless marriages is normal especially after a woman raises kids and a man-child.
Looking back you should have considered her mental load.


and this:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.


Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.


Ha! I have told my husband that he is like the first roommate to move out. Takes a few of the bigger, obvious things, but then leaves all of the little crap that no one really wants, but which is somehow 80% of what is there.


I love this analogy. I was always the last roommate out and this is so true!


I know, right? I think that's why people always have such a difficult time describing what they do that takes so long.

Ok, so we packed up the kitchen, the books, and all of the clothes and moved the furniture out. That should be like 90% of it, right? It's like cooking, laundry, yardwork, and grocery shopping.

But somehow that's only like 20% of it. And when you go to describe what's left it all is stuff that's so overlooked that it sounds kind of crazy to complain about it. Well, I have the christmas decorations and have to clean out stuff under the bathroom sink, go through the garage, the sheets, towels, bedspreads, paintings on the walls... And everything you list just sounds like nothing compared to the big stuff. But somehow, by their power combined, the miscellaneous is more powerful than all of the big stuff put together.



I feel so seen right now. We've been together almost 13 years, married almost 5. We have a 2 year old. both DH and i work very hard at full time jobs, so this is where a lot of the stress emanates from.

if we don't figure out this division of labor i dont know how we are going to make it. i'm not even asking for 50/50. just something that feels equitable. 66/44, i'll take it.
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/12/722173367/all-the-rage-isn-t-about-moms-having-it-all-it-s-about-moms-doing-it-all

i'm catholic, so divorce is not an option. i'm starting to understand the appeal of separate bedrooms.


That’s an interesting article. Thank you for posting. Somehow it made me feel better and a little less alone. I appreciated that she mentioned that most men didn’t want to interview about this or didn’t really see it as an issue. I always thought it was just my husband or that there was something substantially wrong with my marriage. It turns out this is everywhere.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 23:13     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
My husband is always right. If you don't agree with him he assumes that you don't understand and so explains explains and explains.

He is also OCD and likes to direct most of my activities. I have learned to simply let him do things his way. Better than me having to take direction from him on things I already know how to do.

Married 32 years and getting really tired of it.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 23:00     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Core issue is my spouse is a bonafide idiot.


Amen!

Insecure people and other idiots choose idiots as partners.
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 22:50     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Core issue is my spouse is a bonafide idiot.


Amen!
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 22:46     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Sex, although I am resigned to the fact that you can have sex or be in a long term marriage but not both (affairs are common for a reason). So I choose to stay married and "faithful" for the kids. And because according to that other whack-job thread, I must lead a celibate life or my kids will hate me.


You can just divorce. It’s the kids who were talking in that thread. Why are you so defensive?
Anonymous
Post 11/22/2019 22:44     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
My DH has no problem giving me "suggestions" or plain outright criticizing me, often in regards to stuff he doesn't handle, but God forbid I make the slightest suggestion to him.

And if i tell him he's welcome to take over something if he feels that strongly about it? (Aka, you don't like what I've been making for dinner this week? You're more than welcome to do all the meal planning and grocery shopping and making dinner every night after working all day) Total non-starter.